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Daniel - Poker Journal

A Quickie

18 Mar 2009

At Bay 101... still in after day 1... think I'm close to top ten in chips. Was getting very tired most of the day.. decided to have a few beers near the end of the night... got some energy... got some chips... ya.

Long day ahead of us tomorrow. Not sure what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna play. Just going to see how the table looks. On day one I stick to my strategy, re-raising exactly zero pots before the flop. I just don't "roll like that" and don't really plan on doing it tomorrow either unless I just decide that I feel like it. We'll see, I dunno, it was a weird day today for me. Lots on my mind... thinking about my mother. That's not going well. Not well at all. We are pretty much looking at the worst possible outcome at the moment.

Been having dreams about her. GREAT dreams where she can talk, walk, and is totally normal. The dreams make me feel great. Then I wake up. Then I realize that she's non-responsive and headed in the wrong direction. I haven't slept well in about a week. Lots of tossing, lots of turning, feeling very stressed out.

It's just a double edged sword I guess. The more I think about her the more depressed I can feel about the whole situation. The less I think about it, the more I'm able to cope and just be myself. I don't really think I even know how to deal with this stuff, as well as the other things I deal with on a daily basis. It's been a bad month and a bit for me on many levels. I'm proud of the fact that I think I'm holding up pretty well considering, but at times, I also feel like I could crack at any moment and just lose it.

Ok, I'm starting to sound a bit crazy now... or maybe not. Maybe this is just normal. I really don't know. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel. My mother is still alive... that's a good thing, but she is suffering so much right now... how can that be a good thing?

After this tournament, win or lose, I'm going to make a trip to Toronto and stay with my brother and spend some time with my mother at the hospital. I don't know what to expect from the trip, don't know how long I'm staying, and am not even sure exactly when I'm going. I just know that I want to go... I just don't know what I want to see... not sure if that makes sense.

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