Daniel - Poker Journal
Highs and Lows
26 Dec 2004I hesitated for a long time whether or not I should enter this journal. I’ve been pretty honest with you all up to this point so I figure, “Why stop now?”
Over the last seven years or so I’ve won over thirty tournaments. Winning a tournament is a natural high that actually sucks a lot of energy out of you. Winning this last tournament in the fashion that I did, and in the circumstances that I did, made that high even higher than normal.
Now I’m no psychologist by any means, but there is a common feeling that I deal with shortly after the euphoria wears off. I’ve never done a drug in my life (not an illegal drug anyway) but I imagine that the feelings are similar.
Cocaine or ecstasy give you an intense high followed by a deep low. I wouldn’t go so far as to say winning a poker tournament is followed up by depression- that’s a little too extreme. The period after that euphoria though does lend itself to a “low”- at least for me.
In my earlier twenties I’d been through minor bouts with depression as I’m sure we all have at one time or another. Since I met Lori, that stable presence in my life has helped me look on the bright side of things and realize that depression truly is a wasted emotion.
Still though, I can’t help but feel restless as of late. I have tons of things to catch up on while I’m on a little break here but absolutely no interest in getting any of those things done.
Living in Las Vegas with a mentality like that is a dangerous combination. There are all sorts of ways to “find trouble” in this city if you look hard enough. It brings me back to this one CD I listened to years go, one of those Anthony Robbins deals.
In it, he talks about the seven human needs. The first human need is CERTAINTY. The feeling and knowledge that everything is going to be ok. Security, safeness, stability. Ironically, he goes on to explain that the second human need is UNCERTAINTY!
How can that be? It doesn’t seem to make any sense… actually it makes perfect sense. Ladies, ever been with a guy who has a good job, treats you nice, is always responsible, never any unexpected surprises? You dumped him didn’t you, LOL.
You thought that you wanted a “bad boy”. Someone “dangerous” or “mysterious”. Someone passionate that made you feel alive. So you dump the “nice guy” only to find that the “bad boy” is a real jerk! LOL. I have seen it a million times.
Well there is another analogy that relates directly to poker. Adversity. Gamblers crave it, and when they don’t have it they often don’t feel “satisfied”. Without naming any names, I can’t tell you how many great young poker players I know who have worked really hard, built up a huge bankroll, and then dumped it all on the dice table or on a drug habit. Why would they do that? No one knows for sure, but I like to think it’s so that they feel they have a purpose in life again, a new goal to reach. If they are broke, they have to go play poker, it’s a “new” adventure that unfortunately can quickly get old. When I see some of my friends in their late forties still going through that same cycle it breaks my heart.
I’m glad I was able to recognize that cycle young enough to do something about it. Nowadays when I’m feeling destructive I have a solid group of friends to depend on, and a stronger sense of faith that helps me through those times where I just don’t care much about anything.
That’s kind of where I’m at right now. I went from being in a rut before the big tournament started, to a massive high, and then back to where I was before- in a rut. This rut is a little different though than the one I was in before. My last rut was totally poker related, while this one deals with a lack of motivation. Maybe I’m just tired. Hopefully it will just pass.
You see now why I have battled with myself wondering if I should go ahead and enter this journal. I’m really not looking for any sympathy here, in fact I’m embarrassed to some degree that I’m sharing this with you at all. I fear that it comes off a little bit too much like, “What’s this whiny little brat got to whine about? You want something to whine about, come take a look at my life!”
The intention of this journal wasn’t to whine or seek pity. It’s just me being honest about how I feel right now, whether that’s rational or not. I’m sure I’ll be fine by tomorrow or the day after, but in the meantime I’m headed towards my X-BOX to see if my Clippers can win their first round match against the Golden State Warriors. I’m down 0-1 but I’ve been in worse spots before
