On March 27, I'll be in Minneapolis at the Acme Comedy Club giving the judges my "best two minutes".

I will now open the floor to any suggestions on my strategy, joke submissions, odds of me making it past the first audition, clothing choices, and any other comments you feel like volunteering.

From what I've seen, in the short audition they look for quality material and something that would distinguish yourself from everybody else. Not like weird distinguished, but something that would make you different from every observational comic.

What kind of comedy do you do? Post some of your stuff so I can read it, and then realize how hard standup is.

As long as you consistently and aggressively maintain that you are in opposition to most forms of disease and pestilence, I think you'll do just fine. No judge is going to kick the guy out who hates disease and pestilence more than him. Of this I'm fairly certain.

For example, I'd open with this joke: "Who really hates cancer?" Follow this with 30 seconds of silence, and then say, "cause I sure do!"

That's the joke.

I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.

Here's an idea I thought of a few days ago. I am by no means a joke writer or any sort of commedian, but I think this might make an amusing topic.

For those of you who have dogs, are they crate trained? In case you didn't know the term crate means the same as cage. At what point did it become politically inncorrect to call it a cage? Does the dog feel better about being in a crate as opposed to a cage?

Thats all I got, but you could probably expand on the idea to include other non PC scenarios involving animals.


Good luck!

you need to tailor your comedy to your personality or it'll come off sounding completely fake. so start there.

Great advice so far, guys. I'm sure loogie's in front of his computer right now with a pad of paper and a pen, scribbling furiously. "Oh, this is gold. GOLD."

Commodore, not everyone is as Wangtastic as you.

People say crate trained? I did not know this. Wild, wacky stuff.

My dog is barrel trained.


That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

You do a lot of that "you ever notice" stuff?




dude you're the funniest person on this site. taking comedy cues from us would be like me taking tips on banging women from mrdannyg.

It's difficult to type out material since so much of it is timing and expression. But here's a joke joke I wrote that I've performed onstage exactly one time. I like it, though.


Did you hear about the dysfunctional family of terrorists?

Dad blew up at dinner.

I hang out at a Hooka Bar sometimes with a guy that was the manager of The Improv in LA for like 15 years, funny guy. We talk alot about comedy etc.

One set I've asked his help on is a play off the old ..you might be a redneck line of Jeff Foxworthy.

But it goes more along the lines of comparing Metrosexuals vs homosexuals.

Start off with the : Ladies I just want to help you out cause I'm all about helping the ladies. You go out go to a club and see a hot guy you got to ask: "Is he gay, or is he metrosexual?"

So I'm going to give you some pointers to help save you some embarressing moments:


If he watches American Idol and knows all the contestants, He's probably just metrosexual.
If he crys when describing them, he's gay.

That's the set up, plenty of easy material, you are welcome to own it and make it your own since I failed after three bad jokes.

How about reading a secret copy of "How to be a terrorist" handbook

Don't use dysfunctional familes

Don't strap explosives to your dog, they tend to follow you

Don't strap explosives to your wife, she'll worry that they make her look fat.

Honestly for a nationally televised show, I'm not sure if terrorist jokes would go over too well.

If you're going to rattle off one-liners ala Mitch Hedberg, then it's all about delivery.

I'm convinced you could make a 3-minute bit out of a family of dysfunctional terrorists though.

I am in no way planning on using that joke for the show.

However, I am considering using a bunch of Richard Jeni's material. I mean, it's up for grabs. Right?

"It's always been up for grabs."

~Carlos Mencia

How about a bit on the absurdity of banning online poker vs. the enormous amount of beastiality available online (or so I've heard).

You can incorporate the famous dogs playing poker picture and how it's now more acceptable if they're f*cking.

Just brainstorming...

This would be a funny joke. I don't know if they'd get it, but you could find a more well-known Richard Jeni bit, deliver it, and then say it's totally fine that you stole it because you called dibs or something.

Hmm...quite the interesting post.

...I might head over there to give it a shot...have my dreams shattered...and never attempt to do stand-up ever again.

PS: You are one of the funniest people who post here, good luck in auditioning. Also, is there a site that shows where all the auditions are going to be held?

This is funny to us, but I'm sure LCS is looking for something a bit more...broad...and terrible.

Oh, also, for anyone wondering, Jeni was, in the prime of comedy, a hack -- and even compaired to the **** we have now, mediocre at best.

Last Comic Standing auditions

2 minutes...wow!

You could sing the theme from Mighty Mouse.

Throw in some some wrestling with women, get cancer, and you'll be a comedic legend.

i had to do stand up comedy twice for a writing class. the first time i killed cause everyone was drunk. the second time i bombed cause everyone was sober and they all laughed at this girl's jokes about her life as a christian.

my favorite joke was "i've never raped a girl, but i have been accused of rape, which has all the negative aspects and none of the positives. (audience silent) i'm just kidding there's nothing funny about rape... well there is but you had to be there."

i think i was the only one in the room laughing.

that is awesome. I'll be stealing that, thank you.

It probably has to be clean material right?

Then I've got nothing.

I've often fantasized about constructing a joke around the premise of states allowing a 16 year old girl to obtain a drivers license, thus taking her life, her passengers lives, and the lives of other motorists in her hands, but it still being illegal for her to blow me. Where's the justice in that? My prick isn't a deadly weapon...yet. One more unprotected session at the local jerk joint (whack shack works as well), and it may be.


Run with it.

put together a 2-minute story. don't do the setup, punchline, pause for laughter.

Thank god. I was actually getting depressed reading all of the horribly unfunny jokes in this thread. This is hilarious.

Well done.

loogie, I've got something that will get you on the show. Did you know that black people are different from white people? Maybe you haven't noticed, but there are all kinds of hilarious differences you can joke about...favorite foods, style of walking, reactions to movies, etc.

Why are you going all the way to MN? Aren't you in CA?

I am deeply apalled and shocked that no one has mentioned one of the funniest moments in FCP history performed by Loogie.

THE BLUFF do the BLUFF!!!

They might not get it but if you make the TV audition tape we'll all be howling.

Oh yeah, and easily the funniest thing you could possibly wear is the now infamous,

"I'm pretty popular on the internet" T-shirt

**** that is funny

I like it.

I tried a rape joke once, and it fell very flat. It was during the Kobe Bryant rape scandal.

"Who here thinks Kobe raped her? Not me. I'm not buying it. I mean, Kobe drinks Sprite. Sprite's not exactly Rape Cola. (pause) I recently switched to Diet Rape Cola. It was just like people said. I didn't like it at first, but after a while I started to enjoy it."

You can talk about the two different kinds of people in the world, those who look at their shit before flushing and those who don't. I did it once around some friends and they all thought it was rather funny. Then again, we were all extremely wasted.

As far as I can tell, there are those that will tell you they look at their shit before flushing...and those that lie and say they don't.

Yes, typical police interview question.

Ok, that's two funny rape jokes.

I think you've found your routine.

That is fucking hilarious. And to me it would be funnier then as compared to now. I mean even now it's gold, but back when the deed had just happened, I'd be rolling.

is it just me or do girls want a black eye more than they want to be hit?

George Carlin did a bit on rape can be funny, maybe you can borrow and homage a little.

http://www.iceboxman.com/carlin/pael.php#track4

Since you need a hook, I say go for the offensive comic routine.


dead baby and 911 jokes should fill up 2 minutes.

By Hooka bar do you mean a bar that is frequented by prostitutes?

I'm leaving tomorrow, so I can get acclimated before my audition.

Here are my notes so far:

Use quality material
Distinguish myself
Disease - I'm against it
Dogs in crates - good
Tailor act to my personality
Terrorist jokes - bad
Metrosexual jokes - good
Compare online poker with bestiality
Rape jokes - good
Black people jokes - good
Looking at your own poop - suggested
Close with dead babies joke

Am I missing anything?

it seems like you got it.

obviously put the dog style jokes first, the looking at poop jokes in the middle, and finish with the dead baby stuff.

ya know? start out light and then let them figure out where you're going before you even get there and then push the envelope of where they though you were going to go.

COMEDY GOLD!

What about knock knock jokes?

It'sa gamble, but sometimes you have to hold the realy good stuff for the finals

Have you been reading my blog? I'm actually seriously considering one.

And I'm off. Let my internet silence begin.

You can use my take off of Stanhope's titty f@ck joke that died a horrible death in front of the wrong crowd.

My wife wanted to try something new in bed the other night so I fisted her...she lost three teeth cuz apparently I can't do anything right.

Shall we start the betting?