So I'll take any questions you may have. Please be either open and honest about the situation you are questioning or completely make something up. But if you make something up it better be funny.

I may pass off questions to others that I feel are more qualified to handle any given situation. For instance, any questions regarding drifting and/or spoilers will go to CardWarfare, etc.

Dear Speedz,

Lick my grundle.

Love,

Caleb

P.S. I have heard that there is a woman who exists that is neither crazy nor a whore. Is this true?

Something tells me he's gonna have to farm this question out to DOG.

Dear Mr. Ferguson,

There are women on this Earth that are neither crazy nor whorish. Unfortunately, all of these women are prude and most are complete bitches.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,

How far can a game of gay chicken go before it becomes a stalemate?

Kisses,

JoeyJoJo

Speedz,

have you ever given yourself a stranger?

I see. Is there any chance to find such a woman, and debitchify her?


Ahem. I'll field this one. The answer is plain and simple. Orgasm. At that point you both win.

Dear Speedz, I read in an unnamed thread that it was not gay to insert objects in your rectum. Are there size limits to this rule ? Why does Ron Mexico keep sending me naked pictures of himself. Wanna buy some?

Thanks. Canuck

Dear Speedz

Everytime I attempt to overcome my fears, I realize that there is so much more work that needs to be done in my life before I can adequately face these fears. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm never going to get to a point in my life that I'm actually happy with where I am. I don't know, I guess it does scare me that I'm always going to be forever travelling, yet never arriving. This has nothing to do with my question though, I'm not sure why I wrote that. I guess the only thing I want to know is: Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? (cause I never can)

RodReynolds

Dear Mr. JoJo,

This is a common issue brought up in the world of homosociality. In truth, there does not have to be an end to a game of gay chicken. For example, if a game of gay chicken starts with a conventional ass-grab, moves on through to generic thigh-rub, and finishes up with steamy hot buttsex...there was really no loser. If you need a tiebreaker, in the post anal exploration spooning the small spoon would be considered the winner.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,

a long time ago you sat down at one of my tables on party poker. i was like "hey i bet thats the guy from fcp." but i didnt say anything because i liked the feeling of power i was getting from knowing who you were without you knowing me. that was not necessarily a question.

Dear Speedz,

I met this girl on an internet poker forum, let's call her MD.

Just felt like sharing.

strategy

edit: wow, exactly one minute late on the "not actually a question" post

Dear coesillian,

Yes. Yes I have.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear Mr. Ferguson,

Unfortunately, all women will always be either crazy, whorish, or bitchy. You must choose the one that is most suited to your needs.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear Mr. ickstan,

First of all, I do not want to buy some naked picture of Ron Mexico. I already get them for free.

As for the size limit rule, you are only gay when the object inserted has a larger diameter than your own johnson.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear Mr. Reynolds,

I will have to defer (sp) this question to Randy Reed, DNA, or Beans. I feel like one of them watches wrestling.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Mr. Giovanni,

You son of a bitch.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear strategy,

If you need advice on how to get your **** wet, come on back to this thread and I will help you out...or at least point you in the right direction (MisterB).

Sincerely,

Speedz99

ps. MD is either crazy, whorish, or bitchy. Remember that.

Speedz..

Will you marry me?

If not will you at least stick it in my pooper even though I am not Ron Mexico?

Thx
Sharon

Dear Sharon,

I would consider your proposal, but I have an issue with your looks. You see, I find all redheads to be extremely creepy (similar to albinos and lefties). In the picture you have as your avatar, it looks like your hair is blond with a tiny red tint...which is more than enough to make me want to vomit.

I will, however, stick it in your pooper. Just kidding, I'm gay.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

I will be the first to admit that I am sometimes crazy, and I'm whorish to the very depths of my soul. I'm not a prudish bitch, though, so I really like who I am.



Gold, Jerry! Gold!

If you're not interested, that just leaves more for me!

Dear Ms. N,

I realize you didn't ask a question (yet), but I do know the question that you want to ask (and will ask if given the time).

The answer is 8 inches. Flaccid.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Nice. So do you put it to Ron or does he put his in you? Both? I really hope both.

That's enough. You're cluttering up a thread that was meant to enlighten users of this site on a variety of issues...not just sex.

Dear Speedz..

My hair is in fact medium brown that is dyed blonde.. I am not a redhead. I think you are just rejecting me because I am not built like Ron Mexico.

Sincerely,
Sharon

PS: Yep.. More for Nik.. I am sure she will find something to stick in my pooper

Dear speedz,

Sorry. I have a one track mind, sometimes.

Nik

Dear Speedz,

What is the ending for this joke?

"A Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says..."

Yours expectantly,

Lady Wilhelmina Grey

xoxoxoxo

Dear Speedz,

Have you ever noticed that the hair folicles on the base of the penis look like herpes sores when the penis is erect?

Sincerely,

Erik

that is one attractive group of people right there. The tranny on the far right is hot.

Hey Now.. I am lucky enough to sleep with that Trannie every night!

I'm so in with this thread too.

Dear Speedz,

Were you always gay or did NWP make you that way?

Questioningly,

Still Supporting Gays and Jews in OKC

do you guys swing??? Let me know....

Dear Lady Grey,

"'I forgot my pencil."

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear Erik,

I have never had herpes, so I'll have to let ShakeZuma answer this one when he reads this thread tonight.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Ms Dawn,

NWP tried to break me of my gayness. Unfortunately for them, my gayocity is so strong that eventually they have accepted me for the homo I am.

Sincerely,

Speedz99


Ok, I'm out until latenight, when I will be back and extremely intoxicated. Please know that I will not be answering any more questions until then. In the meantime, please stay out of my thread unless you have a specific question, or can answer someone else's question. I are serious columnist, this is serious advice thread.

Dear Speedz,

Long-time reader, first-time writer!

My question is this: How do you live with yourself knowing your people killed our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Wondering,

Wang

Classic

Dear Speedz,

I was recently in Minnesota on a business trip and a few days later I got a rash. Any explanations?

-Steve

You were actually in Wisconsin? That's the only explanation that makes sense to me.

I've wanted to know that forever. I love that movie. Sorry, not a question.



good lord, this made me laugh for a good minute and a half.


Dear Speedz,

I love this thread and you for thinking of it. Sorry, here's my question. If a train leaves Chicago heading East at 70mph for 2 hours, and another train also leaves Chicago, heading West at 65mph for 3 hours, what are my chances of getting blown by a guy at a gay bar in South Beach on a Thursday night before the Super Bowl?

Sincerely,

Desperately in need of some head, regardless of the sex of the giver in Florida

Dear Speedz,

I didn't know gay people could be funny... but this thread is all that and a bag of chips? (That's right, I put a question mark there)


Love,

brv

Dear Speedz,

My question is in two parts:

A: Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

B: And what's on the other side?

Please help, I can't go on like this.

Tormented,

Adam

Dear Erik,

They don't. Go to a doctor.

Sincerely,

Shake

Dear Speedz,

Is it gay to go down on yourself?

Crack

Dear Speedz,

Last question. Are you really going to answer each and every question in this thread?

Also, is The Royal Tenenbaums the funniest movie in history, or is it just me?


Forever,

brv

Dear Speedz,

I heard a comedian the other day on the radio who apparently is pretty raunchy and has an HBO comedy special coming up soon. One thing he talks about is while he was in college he and his roommate liked to masturbate and apparently were pretty open about it. His roommate liked to get hard, lay face down on the floor and stroke it on the carpet. (Which is a little different approach than most) But anywho, one night he couldn't get enough friction going and asked his buddy to sit on him while he did it.
He did and was apparently questioning his own sexuality as he sat there wondering if he was gay for doing it.


My question is, if I come to Chicago will you sit on me?

Not me. I've watched exactly one minute of that stuff only because of a smokin ring girl was on while channel surfing one night.




ok....wth



Dear Speedy,


I recently decided that my life was boring.

I've quit smoking, drinking, and eating fast food.

The hobbies that I once loved has gotten old and unsatisfying.

I have little or no motivation.... I dont even enjoy making money anymore

My sense of humor has faded to the point that someone (like me) can let a seriously stinky fart in public and I might not even grin.



After thinking about this for a while, I've decided that I need to do one of two things....



A) Go back to my old ways and try to get arrested once in a while instead of avoiding trouble


B Sign up for skydiving lessons (I watched "Pushing Tin" last night and got the idea from that... decided it was close to the wake turbulance thing)



Tally-ho,


Pulling the string Beans

Dear Beans,

Make sure Ron Mexico is gainfully employed in Las Vegas making a solid wage by December of 2007 and the world will be your oyster.

Regards,


Denny Crane

Dear Denny Crane,


I can assure you that if indeed Mr. Mexico is serious about arriving in the promised land for long-term living reasons, I will assist him in any way possible.


The first thing I will need is a standard 8X10 glossy of him...front and profile, to give to the Rio security to make sure he stays out of the Chippendales review while on the clock.


A friend to whom I've never spoken to,


Beans

Sorry, its me. This is my "after dark" account.

And if my interview tomorrow isn't a smashing success, or if I get the job and am not fond of it, I will be PM'ing you my info, so in your 1/2 decade life crisis, don't stray too far away.

Bedtime for me.

Also, I used to mop the floors backstage of the local male review. No pay, but the benifits just kept on coming.

I knew who it was....



I also know that your brakes are bad on the Ford.


Regards,

The all-knowing master of time, space, and dementia

Is that a recall I'm not aware of or are you referring to the ABS light that has been on for 2 years? I was told that is was probably just a fuse or whatever.

The car seems to stop fine and I put ceramic brake pads and stuff on I guess 40-50k miles ago, maybe less.

Just a guess. I overheard a guy taking about the brake issues with them the other night.


I wouldnt use the ceramic pads on the standard rotors, though. They only last longer because the ceramic is harder that the rotors.... you'll buy less pads, but wear the rotors beyond the thickness required to "turn" them down next brake job.


Upgrade the rotors to the new "cryo" treated ones and you'll be fine. Otherwise, stick to the standard pads.


I learned this the hard way a few years ago... at a SCCA meet I warped the rotors so bad that I had to send Shane to the parts store for new ones between rounds. The ceramics wore a groove in the stock rotors about 1/8 deep.... in four laps.


The ABS light will probably go out (and stay out) if you'll disconnect the negative post on the battery for 30 sec. During a brake job someone unhooked the sensor on the spindle with the battery connected and hit the brake pedal.


It will erase the code in the ECM