I see what you did there.








For those of you who did not see it, Lefty was making a statement about the inherent nature of strippers. You see, there really isn't much difference between Coke and Pepsi. Sure, some people might say they only drink Coke or they only drink Pepsi, but those people are wrong. The taste difference is negligible. Since there is no significant difference between Coke and Pepsi, including them in the overall choice is superfluous. So we must ask ourselves, why did Lefty include them? Why not just ask, "strippers or hookers?" That is when we get to the real point of his post. Lefty's post is a social commentary; strippers are selling their bodies just like hookers do. He is making a pointed statement about the discrepancy in quality of life of each profession when really they are doing the same thing. I know what you're all thinking; you're saying, "Lefty, how can you really say that people who take off their clothes in an alluring manner are the same as people who will have sex with you for money?" I think Lefty would venture a guess that those same people also adhere to their needless soft drink allegiances.

Having interpreted Lefty’s post for you, my question for you is this:

How funny is it to phrase a question in the form of a circle?

I think it's damn funny, but I'd like your opinion.

You're no longer invited to my sensual soda taste tests.

Yes, it was comedy genius.

Are you comparing the fizziness or extra carbonation in Coke to the ejaculate hookers provoke on the spot?

I will live the rest of my life incomplete because nobody answered my question with "the color orange." which is obviously the correct answer.

Dear Speedz,

I'm 1/8th Jewish, as my great grandmother's maiden name was Gould. My last name is Lugar which was originally spelled Luger, the gun Nazi officers used. So obviously I'm conflicted. How do I reach harmony with my volatile ethnicities?

Steal the gold out of every 8th tooth and donate it to the B'nai Brith, obv.

Chrozzo?





Wait, you are JJJ?





Wait, you are Speedz99?

I am really fucking confused

Dear Loog,

The simplest solution is just to remove the part of you that is Jewish. Since we're talking about an eighth, it would be easiest to just cut off 1/2 of one of your four limbs...either an arm from the elbow down or a leg from the knee down. Then you can go ahead and hate Jews as much as you like, though that would be pretty difficult in Hollywood (plus you couldn't make Holocaust jokes in your routine). Perhaps you should remove the part of your body that isn't Jewish...cut off all but 1/2 of one limb. The gentile part of you would be the one with the vast majority of your body, but you'd be the funniest shin/foot in the biz...you could open with a joke about how the Nazis removed the majority of your body at a concentration camp. That'd kill.

Sincerely,

Speedz

Dear Speedz,


Is it wrong to have 17 kids?


http://www.duggarfamily.com/faq.html


Sincerely,


Jim Bob's worn out weinis

Dear Weinis,

No, it is not wrong. It is keeping with the current evolutionary trend of complete morons procreating in higher numbers than reasonably intelligent human beings...thus facilitating the eventual dumbing down of our society to an average IQ of 11.

Sincerely,

Speedz

So, like a stock market crash... it's reasonable to say we're in an IQCrash?

Not unless you're a needle or a dirty smelly pirate hooker's finger.

I heart you so much. Pure 1/8 Gold I say.

Matt Damon?

Ok Speedz, you got me. I'm finally asking, only b/c this was a bump that was a long time in the making.

I'm a college student, will graduate in about 5 months. This guy who is definitely really into me goes to school about 300 miles from where I live. He knows that I know that he is really into me, but he also knows that I am undecided about how I feel. He'll be home over Christmas break and we have a ton of friends in common so we'll probably be hanging out quite a bit. Note that he's not looking to have sex with me, he's just interested in a relationship at some point. Not even necessarily now, as he will move back here when he graduates. What is my best course of action to see if I should get something going with this guy?

Thanks!

i see what you did here

you're pretty funny. And to think that I had no part of this at all. That's sad. On my part.

this is serious, guys

I know how you know I'm gay.

deal. just edit out the quote. and then we have to edit this exchange.

This is a serious thread, full of serious people with serious problems. I'd appreciate it if you show have some respect for whatever it is I'm trying to do here.

Vagina isn't supposed to double as a clown car.

Dear Speedz,

We have a cat that will not stop peeing and pooping on the rug in our spare bathroom. We thought it was because since my wife is pregnant and cannot change the kitty litter, that I am not doing it enough. But I have been better about it and clean at least every other day, if not every day.

So the pooping had stopped, but the peeing continued. Well we think she was not drinking enough water so we got her one of those water fountains (this cat will get in the shower with me, loves water) and she drinks more water now, then the peeing stopped.

So today I smell something and she pooped on the rug again (new rug mind you). Well the only explanation I could think of was that at the end of the hall near the laundry room is the garage and that is where we put my sons dirty diapers, and he had just had one. Maybe the smell, bothered her so she would not go to her litterbox.

So what do you think it is? What should I do? Someone suggested getting one of those automatic litter boxes, but I heard the good ones are 3-500 dollars, and there is no way I am spending that on a cats poop box.

Eagerly awaiting your response,

El Guapo

Dear El Guapo,

I honestly don't know what you should do. I could have made something up (and it probably would have sounded plausible), but when it comes to something like this I wouldn't want to mess with you...even though it would have been kind of funny. I recommend going to a bookstore and looking through as many cat behavior books you can find to see what they all recommend in cases like this. Or sign up for a cat forum (I'm sure there are a ton) and ask people who actually know what they're doing. I'm sure you've already thought of those things, but it's all I've got for you.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,


I happen to be in the exact same situation as El Guapo (from the spare bathroom to lazy-ass pregnant wife). I saw that your reponse to him was somewhat lengthy. If you don't mind, I'd like a shorter and hopefully funnier (though without having read that post I could not be the judge of whether it is funnier or not) post than the previous one.


Nakedly,


runthemover

Dear runthemover,

Why don't you ask your future self? I'm sure he knows how you eventually solved the problem.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

here's what I really wanted to ask





he climbs a tree and scrapes his knee
his dress has got a tear
he waltzes on his way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath his wimple
he has curlers in his hair
I even heard his singing in the abbey

he's always late for chapel
But his penitence is real
he's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
speedz's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word in his behalf
speedz makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like speedz?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means speedz?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like speedz?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with him I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly whise I am
Unpredictable as weathis
he's as flighty as a feathis
he's a darling! he's a demon! he's a lamb!

he'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
he could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
he is gentle! he is wild!
he's a riddle! he's a child!
he's a headache! he's an angel!
he's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like speedz?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means speedz?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like speedz?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Why?

Dear Speedz,

I wasnt sure which "Dear" thread to put this in but since it is a fairly pointless question, I settled on you. (I wouldve went with Dear LLY but he is so damn on point that his subtitle says "math questions") On to the question: When a plane is taxiing does it use the same jet engine that is used in flight or is there a separate engine, maybe similar to a car engine, that turns the wheels only?

Thanks.

that's a dear beans n' icewater question.

THE PLANE TAKES OFF!!

but the force is exactly inverse! it can't!

Dear myenemy,

I have no idea. See Sal's post below.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,


So, how's it going?

Sincerely,

El Guapo

Dear El Guapo,

That's none of your goddamn business.

Sincerely,

Speedz99