Dear Speedz,

Does watching shemale porn make me gay?

Signed,

Chicks With Dicks RULE

Dear Speedz:

For the last 6 weeks or so, I've been starving myself and smoking countless cigarettes in an effort to lose weight. Today, I decided to take a day off, and now my breath smells like a combination of pizza, oreos, cashews, and, oddly, Orange Juice though I haven't had any in years.

My question is this:

For my date later, should I add garlic? Or leave percolating as is?

Wangtastically,

Wang

Dear Speedz:

For the last 6 weeks or so, I've been starving myself and smoking countless cigarettes in an effort to lose weight. Today, I decided to take a day off, and now my breath smells like a combination of pizza, oreos, cashews, and, oddly, Orange Juice though I haven't had any in years.

My question is this:

For my date later, should I add garlic? Or leave percolating as is?

Wangtastically,

Wang

Dear Speedz,

Do all guys have that brown line 3/4 of the way up the shaft of their penises or am I special?

Crack

Dear speedz,

i'm buying an SUV, what do you recommend?

Dear Cowboy,

This is a difficult question. Culturally, there are a few ways you could go to compliment your personality. Comedically, I think you may want to go with a Japanese model...maybe an Element. Cockularly, I assume you want to show off your manhood with an American vehicle...maybe a Canyonero.

I hope that helps.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

I know this is what you meant, so I fixed it for you.

Dear Speedz,

Multiple part question:
How many adult sized fingers can you fit into your ass with lube? Dry? Also, being a larger gentleman, I have bigger than average fingers so I don't like to use more than two, but I know you've been around, so how many of mine could you take? Lube and Dry?

Also, if I bring along my 12 year old "nephew", how many "hypothetically" could he fit inside of you? Also, should I bring the enema or do you supply your own?

Sincerely,

Yearning to be knee deep on the brown stuff by midnight

Dear Speedz100-1,
Why are men who like cats ghey?
Love,
Dad

Dear Speedz,

I love you. Do you think it will work or will we be mocked by society?

Love,

Clint

Dear Speedz,

Recently I put my feelings for another man out for all the world to see and he denied to exchange the passion. Since this occurrence I've been listening to Johnny Cash's "Hurt" repeatedly and have also had ice cream delivered to my house. Yes, delivered. Where do I go from here?

Concerned,

Clint the considering cutter

Dear Clint,

Don't cut yourself...cut the man that hurt you.

You're Welcome,

Speedz

Dear Speedz,

How do I switch from my right to my left hand?

My right hadn tires after a bit...and i need the left to kick in...but it doesnt work as of late

help me,

chrozzo

Dear Speedz,

Recently, a few posters have been overusing e-gay jokes/references. It's unfortunate they are being used with Great_Dane enthusiasm because as we all know, they can be quite refreshing on occasion. Now, these posters, hi, shia, seem like nice enough guys, but I don't want to be 'that guy.' How should I go about broaching the subject? If at all. Also, what is the correct way grammatically to use the "if at all" phrase in a sentence. I thought about putting it at the end of that query with a comma splice, but that seemed incorrect though probably universally accepted.
Relatedly, could you and/or your smart friends post up a reference for posters to consult for allowed frequence of common jokes / sayings?
regards from your bff,

anonymous

Dear Speedz,

Recently, a few posters have been overusing e-gay jokes/references. It's unfortunate they are being used with Great_Dane enthusiasm because as we all know, they can be quite refreshing on occasion. Now, these posters, hi, shia, seem like nice enough guys, but I don't want to be 'that guy.' How should I go about broaching the subject? If at all. Also, what is the correct way grammatically to use the "if at all" phrase in a sentence. I thought about putting it at the end of that query with a comma splice, but that seemed incorrect though probably universally accepted.
Relatedly, could you and/or your smart friends post up a reference for posters to consult for allowed frequence of common jokes / sayings?
regards from your bff,

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I think you're probably smarter than me, so I am not comfortable answering these questions. Try the "Ask Chrozzo" thread.

Sincerely,

Speedz

u fag!

...maybe ask Nikki.

Dear Speedz,

Recently, a few posters have been overusing e-gay jokes/references. It's unfortunate they are being used with Great_Dane enthusiasm because as we all know, they can be quite refreshing on occasion. Now, these posters, hi, shia, seem like nice enough guys, but I don't want to be 'that guy.' How should I go about broaching the subject? If at all. Also, what is the correct way grammatically to use the "if at all" phrase in a sentence. I thought about putting it at the end of that query with a comma splice, but that seemed incorrect though probably universally accepted.
Relatedly, could you and/or your smart friends post up a reference for posters to consult for allowed frequence of common jokes / sayings?
regards from your bff,

anonymous

In colloquial dialog- like we have here- setting "if at all" apart from the previous question is perfectly acceptable, assuming you wish to indicate a second, somewhat related but distinct thought/query. That being said, it should have been:

"How should I go about broaching the subject? If at all?"

Put a question mark after the clause, to indicate that, in addition to how to go about broaching the subject, you also wonder if you should bring it up at all. Plus it ensures that the reader knows your voice is going up at the end of each sentence, which is totally clutch.

This is informal, but fine for our purposes. If you want to be on the safe side, here is the grammatically correct formation:

"How should I go about broaching the subject, if at all?"
I am a college dropout.
Wang

that's how I originally had it. thanks.

Somewhere around here, I have a book called "Survival" that we got in 8th grade. It covers almost anything concerning grammar and writing that you could think about. It's probably the most useful book I ever got. I used it throughout highschool and college.

I respectfully disagree. Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style" is the fucking joint when it comes to this shit. It's a bad Grammar Jammer.
Wang

In colloquial dialog- like we have here- setting "if at all" apart from the previous question is perfectly acceptable, assuming you wish to indicate a second, somewhat related but distinct thought/query. That being said, it should have been:

"How should I go about broaching the subject? If at all?"

Put a question mark after the clause, to indicate that, in addition to how to go about broaching the subject, you also wonder if you should bring it up at all. Plus it ensures that the reader knows your voice is going up at the end of each sentence, which is totally clutch.

This is informal, but fine for our purposes. If you want to be on the safe side, here is the grammatically correct formation:

"How should I go about broaching the subject, if at all?"
I am a college dropout.
Wang

The hyphen has been co-opted by idiots, and is used in place of the dash.

I don't mean to harp on punctuation, and I understand that it's been more or less pointless when I went off on things that don't really make a difference, like the ellipsis with like twelve dots in it or whatever, but it's unbelievably confusing when people hyphenate two words together thinking it will work as a dash (like say, "Dutch has-among other things-too much time on his hands", as apposed to, “Dutch has--among other things--too much time on his hands). There are a lotta' ways to space the dash (space, hyphen, space probably being my favorite), and this is the worst possible way. I really don't care about it being "incorrect." It's just really confusing. Even if you just make up something new, like... "Dutch has))))among other things)))..." at least that isn't already taken. You can't just steal the hyphen, we need that. It takes five times as long to figure out what the hell is going on.

It's not just message boards, a handful of big-name bloggers do it, and I've seen it in major news papers. I asked some other people if they found it to be confusing. The response was a tad chilling; several people didn't even know what the dash or the hyphen were. People read, see "weird-looking" marks in their day-to-day readings, and either have so little interest that they don't care to look it up, or such horrible comprehension that they don't even notice it.

I hate you and everything for which you stand. Also, you smell.
Wang

Oh, man, in this post, you used the second worst dashing technique, thus creating the brief confusion that's really Prescriptivism's last standing-leg. Here's a rant about the technique form when I was drinking more:

Also, the EoS is a bit out-dated, don't you think?

Edit: "It's a bad Grammar Jammer," though, almost made me laugh out loud.

I understand your position completely, and it compounds the problem that I hyphenate ALOT. I'd venture a guess that I hyphenate more often than anybody else who uses this message board, and it probably isn't all that close. I had a discussion a while back - well before I started experimenting with the dash as a solution to my tendency to write long, maundering sentences - about how to best utilize the dash and avoid punctuation confusion, especially in semi-informal settings like this. I think I'm going to just start using the "space - space" for a little, see how it looks. My reaction so far: it's totally faggy, but now I'll have to do it because I totally see your point, and I'm unusually fastidious about stuff like this, to the point that it'll make me sick to my stomach if I look at it in the future the old way.

I'm slightly surprised, however, that the underlying theme here is "FUCKING RULES AND CONVENTIONS EXIST TO MAKE COMMUNICATION EASIER, WHICH IS WHY THEY NEED TO BE FUCKING FOLLOWED!" Because that's how I feel, and I am a pretty rigid prescriptivist, and you are not.

Good talk.
And EoS is the best. This is one thing I WILL NOT debate. Plus, I bought it for a girl once instead of flowers on our first date, and it turned out really, really well.
Wang

Dear Speedz,

Say you have a friend who has a weird fetish, and while normally you would be totally supportive of this sockfuc.. friends choices, how can you tell him that he needs to get a grip on it so you don't have to do 3 extra loads of laundry a week.

Regards,

Friend of a sockfucker.

And EoS is the best. This is one thing I WILL NOT debate. Plus, I bought it for a girl once instead of flowers on our first date, and it turned out really, really well.
Wang

Dear SockFuckerFriend,

First let's clarify...in the bolded portion of your question, are you saying that you do his laundry? Or did you mean that you are trying to keep him from having to do extra laundry?

Sincerely,

Speedz

I mean he needs to leave my socks alone.

I've had my EoS since freshman year of college. It's a well worn friend. I don't follow it like I should but I do still have it. Kind of like the Bible. It's sitting right there (looks up slightly and to the left to the shelf above my head).

Dear JizzSocks,

A few ideas of what to do with your socks when you're not using them.

Line their insides with sandpaper.
Set small mousetraps down at the tips.
Leave a few old ones in easily accessed locations...draw all over the insides with magic marker that will rub right off.

Or you could buy him a present of a new package of socks and tell him to leave yours alone. If he's not easily embarrassed this won't be a problem. If he is easily embarrassed then it's still not a problem, because anyone that uses someone else's socks to jerk off deserves to feel like a jackass.

Sincerely,

Speedz

I've had that book since sixth grade and have never read it, no wonder I can't write complete sentences good.

Dear Speedz,

Can I be Jewish?
Signed,

I love goooooooold.

Can we use smilies here?

I respectfully disagree. Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style" is the fucking joint when it comes to this shit. It's a bad Grammar Jammer.


Wang

Dear Speedz,

I am playing poker with my 16 year old nephew and my future step-son and his friend ( both are 15).
Strippers and coke or hookers and pepsi?
Love,
Your biggest fan

Dear speedz,

In which direction should I blow my wad?

Sincerely

Circumnavigationally challenged.