Dear Speedz,

I had the Giant Pizza Rolls, they were ok.

Sincerely,

Blah.

Dear Speedz,

Would mixing crunchy peanut butter and marshmallow goop(that crap for hot chocolate) be a good combination?

Sincerely,

Inspired by the PB Thread.

FYP so it would be answered, "yes....without a doubt"

Dear Speedz:

I am working for the first time in- I dunno, forever- tomorrow. I have to wear black slacks (check and sexy) and a white shirt (check and sexy). I just realized I don't have any appropriate shoes. All I have to wear at the moment is a pair of nike sneakers.

Do I:

Wear black socks and Nike Sneakers?

Wear white socks and Nike Sneakers?

Kill myself?

Wear a pair of busted Timberlands?



Thanks,

Wang

Got quite a backlog of customers here speedz....



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Dear Mr. Blah,

Of course they were only ok. They promoted these craptastic treats as being a big upgrade in terms of satisfying hunger. Well they are bigger, but you only get a few of them, so it's really a wash. The whole thing really grinds my gears.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



Dear Mr. Thread,

I don't know...I'm not a pregnant woman.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Mr. Wang,

With these choices you really need to go with black socks and nike sneakers. It depends on the type of job we're talking about, but that should work at least for the first day. If work doesn't start until after 9am I recommend heading to a DSW or other discount shoe place to get a cheap but appropriate shoe.

Sincerely,

Speedz99



I guess I'm not the only one taking it easy tonight in preparation for a day-long party tomorrow. I already told my boss not to expect me to be awake and at the computer until 11:00 at the earliest. Luckily I pretended to be extremely swamped with work last week, so it was ok with her.

I've gotta get down to the book early in the morning to place my bets..... I'll flip a coin on the game, but I'm puttin $50 on the streaker bet.



Inside information

go on...

I'm still researching on that one.... gimme until the am for the sure thing



I can tell you that without a doubt....



the coin toss WILL be tails.... and the guy that calls it will say heads


I'm placing a Ben on that one

Dear Nik,

This isn't really an advice question, but I'll take it anyways. My girlfriend and I have a shitload of books. It's a pretty strange mix. Here are the books I've read recently...

Devil in the White City - Erik Larson - great book, still reading it
The Trouble With Physics - Lee Smolin - needed wikipedia almost every page
The Best American Crime Writing 2006 - various authors - standard good reading
Dubliners - James Joyce - felt like I should

Here is a random sampling of books, some of which are fairly well known and give a basic idea of what we have.

Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
Center Field is on Fire - Dave Phillips
The Bad Popes - E.R. Chamberlin
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
Robinson Crusoe - Daviel Defoe
Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie
The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
The Camel Club - David Baldacci
Stiff - Mary Roach
Neither Wolf not Dog - Kent Nerburn
Aztec Blood - Gary Jennings
Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
Marley and Me - John Grogan
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Kitchen Confidential - Anthony Bourdain
All Creatures Great and Small - James Herriot
Flowers for Algernon - Daniel Keyes
The Stand - Stephen King
In the Shadow of Man - Jane Goodall
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
Small Stakes Hold 'Em - Sklansky
Atlantis Found - Clive Cussler
Nothing's Sacred - Lewis Black
The Joys of Homosociality - Speedz99
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court - Mark Twain
I can't Find The Far Side Anthology and it's really pissing me off...but I have it somewhere around here - Speedz99
The Everything Travel Guide to Disney World - Jason Rich
The Joy of Cooking
Steak Frites - Pierre-Yves Chupin
Fast Food Nation - Eric Schlosser
Genome - Matt Ridley
Best Food Writing 2003
Freakonomics - Steven Levitt
The Indian in the Cupboard - Lynn Reid Banks

...and so on.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

First off, I'd just like to note that I love Ender's Game, even though a dirty Mormon wrote it. Ender is one of my favorite characters of all time.

Secondly, based on the second grouping of books, you and your girlfriend are faggots.


Wang

Tuesdays with Morrie - Hey, at least it's by a sports writer. Full disclosure: my girlfriend called me a fag for owning this book.
Marley and Me - I love this book...kiss my ass. You choose this but not All Creatures Great and Small?
Kitchen Confidential - This is a short, fun read. I don't see how anyone could dislike this book.
In the Shadow of Man - I don't like this book.
The Joy of Cooking - Everyone should have this book. Fuck foodnetwork.com, this book has everything you need. Ok, I still love foodnetwork.com.
Best Food Writing 2003 - What, do you hate food or something?

edit: Oh, and I like Ender's Shadow almost as much.

Cooking is for gays. Except maybe Bobby Flay, who will fuck you up. Small and/or cute animals are for gays. Except for Watership Down, which ain't nothin' to fuck wit'. I'm SeriousBizzleCat.

As far as Ender's Shadow goes, I have to agree. I've read everything Orson Scott card's written, apart from a few short stories, and I thought he did a really good job with Bean's character. The scenes in Ender's Game where Ender ruthlessly fucks a bitch up still give me chills.

Wang

Dear Speedz,

Have you ever read Raymond Carver? If so, what are your impressions?

Sincerely,

Curious Bookworm

Dear Mr. Bookworm,

I haven't...do you have any specific recommendations? I'm not a big poetry guy, but I have a short attention span so I love me some short stories.

I just looked up his wikipedia page, and I have to say I'm impressed. Great sideburns on that guy.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,

I would definitely recommend the book Fires. It has three essays he wrote on his life, and then a book of poetry and a book of short stories. All in one. One of my favorite books.

Sincerely,

Curious Bookworm

ps.edit.rebuy.

* Will You Please Be Quiet, Please? (first published 1976)
* What We Talk About When We Talk About Love (1981)
* Cathedral (1983)
* Where I'm Calling From (1988)
Those are all short story collections that are great.

I can't believe you're published. Or did you just print out a MS Publisher file and bind it with AssHair and Smegma?

Wow, one of the few books I've ever read, and I loved it too. I think that's the only thing I have in common with you Wang.

I totally forgot to read Ender's shadow... I'm giong to reread Ender's Game, then go to the library next week.

I'd appreciate it if you'd stop giving out trade secrets.

Don't bother, like almost everything else Card has written, it's terrible. Ender's Game was fantastic though.

Dear Speedz,

Is Indianapolis losing today in the Super Bowl going to make me feel better about my Pats blowing 5 opportunities to win the AFC Championship two weeks ago against said Colts?

sincerely,

Hoping in New England

Raistlin just read Enders Game. He liked it alot. I should read it,too. The books in bold are ones I have in my house. Do you recommend Kitchen Confidential? I don't have cable so I haven't seen very many episodes of Bourdain's show, but what I have seen, I liked a lot. Also, I've read The DaVinci Code and I enjoyed it. Is Angels and Demons better, like I've heard some folks say?

Dear Speedz,

#1 is a fabulous book. I just finished it. No fish on Sundays but eat the goddamned bread. Always remember that.

Secondly, where can I pick up a copy of that second book? Amazon.com didn't have it when I did a standard search and the email that they sent me when I inquired said, "Speedz99 is not a legitimate author and we will have nothing to do with selling his trash."

WTF is that all about?

Lovingly yours,

Me

No Reservations is easily the best culinary/travel show being made today. Hands down.

Kitchen Confidential is a great read. It's easy to get through and highly entertaining. I'll bring it to Tdot in March if you wanna borrow it.

When I was younger, I read a Fantasy (me = lameoid) type novel by Weis and Hickman with a pair of brothers (one was a black wizard, and the other was a knight!), the first of which was named "Raistlin" I believe.


Dear Speedz,

I just want you to know how much your advice has meant to me. I've had some dark days, and you've helped through them. There's always sunshine behind the clouds!

Heart,

The Magnificent Shimmering Wang

It's exactly the same. Not just similar, it is (almost) a chapter by chapter copy (or vice versa, I can't remember).


Only one?

i disagree with ouch 8s on angels and demons. i really enjoyed it and found it quite different then da vinci code. also noticed that freakonomics was on your list speedz and that book is really good. puts economics and a lot of social problems in a radical light

Yes, I did indeed name my son after the Raistlin to which you are referring (me=lamoid).



Ren, I would love to borrow your book. Thanks!



Dear Speedz,

What do you do when you have to go to work, but you have a bad cold?


Nik

Dear Speedz,


Is it true you produced this Super Bowl commercial and if so, what was your inspiration?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHkoZ7ngAM0


Love,

Lefty









PS Anthony Bourdain is the nuts

Angels and Demons is decent, but really falls apart the last 1/4 of the book re: timeline.

Dear Speedz:

I've had a cough for about six weeks now. Can't seem to shake it and, in fact, it's gotten worse the last couple days. In fact, i know get a 'tinny' or 'metalic' taste in my mouth when I cough, reminiscent of the taste of blood.

Am I dying? Do I have the galloping consumption? Should I see a doctor.

Hacking in Canada

Dear Jeff:

I think it's bronchitis. You probably need to see a doctor and just get some antibiotics, and it will be gone after a week or so. At least that's what happened when I thought I had a "cold" for over a month.

Or you have lung cancer and you're dying. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

Love, Theraflu

I'm just hoping it's not walking pneumonia or something.

Probably something else you'd need to see a doctor for.

Dear Speedz,

Is Indianapolis losing today in the Super Bowl going to make me feel better about my Pats blowing 5 opportunities to win the AFC Championship two weeks ago against said Colts?

sincerely,

Hoping in New England

Dear Mr. England,

Well, they are my Pats as well...and it turns out that nothing will make us feel better about that loss (especially Indy winning it all). I'm still pissed about the two incorrect interference calls (one against the Pats and one uncalled on the Colts) that cost us at least 4 points, probably 8.

Also, Peyton Manning whines like a little bitch after every play that doesn't result in at least 10 yards.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Raistlin just read Enders Game. He liked it alot. I should read it,too. The books in bold are ones I have in my house. Do you recommend Kitchen Confidential? I don't have cable so I haven't seen very many episodes of Bourdain's show, but what I have seen, I liked a lot. Also, I've read The DaVinci Code and I enjoyed it. Is Angels and Demons better, like I've heard some folks say?

I loved Kitchen Confidential...and his follow up book (A Cook's Tour) is worth reading as well. I thought that Angels and Demons was at least a fun read, and at most a fun read. Most of the time that's all I'm looking for, so I'd recommend it. It has a few of the same themes as The Da Vinci Code, but it's not the same book.

Dear Speedz,

#1 is a fabulous book. I just finished it. No fish on Sundays but eat the goddamned bread. Always remember that.

Secondly, where can I pick up a copy of that second book? Amazon.com didn't have it when I did a standard search and the email that they sent me when I inquired said, "Speedz99 is not a legitimate author and we will have nothing to do with selling his trash."

WTF is that all about?

Lovingly yours,

Me

Dear Ms. Me,

You have to have me ship it directly to your house. For an extra $3.50 I'll autograph it in jizz.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,

What do you do when you have to go to work, but you have a bad cold?

Nik

Dear Nik,

I complain about it on the Internet most of the day, and then take a double dose of NyQuil that night. As I fall into a drug-induced coma I try to think really hard about nubile young men, in the hopes that my dreams will be ones of.......what was the question?

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz,

Is it true you produced this Super Bowl commercial and if so, what was your inspiration?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHkoZ7ngAM0

Love,

Lefty

Dear Mr. Lefty,

I did not produce that commercial, but I did receive two text messages from homosocial friends immediately following its showing. Both messages involved needing to bring a few boxes of Snickers to our next college reunion.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Speedz:

I've had a cough for about six weeks now. Can't seem to shake it and, in fact, it's gotten worse the last couple days. In fact, i know get a 'tinny' or 'metalic' taste in my mouth when I cough, reminiscent of the taste of blood.

Am I dying? Do I have the galloping consumption? Should I see a doctor.

Hacking in Canada

Dear Mr. Canada,

See a doctor. I hear that's pretty easy to do in your country. Not that I'm jealous of your government or anything. Assholes.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Dear Mr. Wang,

I used to hate you. I think it was because I thought that you thought that you were better than me. You probably are, but that's beside the point. Then you started posting in the Sick thread, and I learned that I was only hating my brother. That's you. It turns out you're my brother.

This speech was better in Remember the Titans.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Re: Dan Brown.

Both books are fun reads. But how can you say they aren't the same?

Would you agree that Days of Thunder is basically the same movie as Top Gun (but with cars, not planes?). If so (and I don't see how you can't) how can you say that DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons (and, to a lesser extent, Digital Fortress) aren't the same books?

Sure A&D deals with a Papal conspiracy, and running all over Europe while solving it, and treachery and unexpected familial twists, and DaVC deals with a Christian conspiracy, and running all over Europe while solving it, and treachery and unexpected familial twists. There's some serious differences there....

Go back and read the opening chapter, and the last chapter, of each book and tell me they aren't the same. I'd argue that DaVC is perhaps better written, but the two books could be written from the same plot outline.

I hope you didn't actually hate me. Actually, wait a second. I'm sure you probably did, because every single person I've ever met in my entire life who I have befriended has told me at some point, "You know, I used to really think you were a pretentious jerk." Something about the Wangman causes seething distaste upon first contact, even though I'm sure I'm better than nobody and make every effort to be affable, silly, and deferential.

And, no, that speech was terrible in Remember the Titans, too.

Isn't every story a spin of one that has already been told from the beginning of time? I thought this was common knowledge...

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What did you say?

No, you don't understand. It was basically posting-envy. I can't fully explain why without e-fellating you, so just take my word for it when I say that I never disliked you as a person, just the fact that you were better than me.



Although I am pretty funny...



Left side.

Yeah, but at least some authors try to hide it, change the structure, etc. Dan Brown has just written the same book over and over again, with nary a superficial makeover to be found.

Re: Dan Brown.

Both books are fun reads. But how can you say they aren't the same?

Would you agree that Days of Thunder is basically the same movie as Top Gun (but with cars, not planes?). If so (and I don't see how you can't) how can you say that DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons (and, to a lesser extent, Digital Fortress) aren't the same books?

Sure A&D deals with a Papal conspiracy, and running all over Europe while solving it, and treachery and unexpected familial twists, and DaVC deals with a Christian conspiracy, and running all over Europe while solving it, and treachery and unexpected familial twists. There's some serious differences there....

Go back and read the opening chapter, and the last chapter, of each book and tell me they aren't the same. I'd argue that DaVC is perhaps better written, but the two books could be written from the same plot outline.

Ohhhhh. Ok, I agree with you for the most part. They're still different enough to make it worth reading both if someone liked one of them.

Strong side!


I'm impatient.

Dear Speedz,

Long time reader, first time writer!

The other day I was pleasuring myself, and I realized that some of my pubic hairs are as straight as my other hair, while others are curly, in about a 3:2 ratio of curly to straight. Is this normal?

Also, after I finish, and mess myself, I like to style it and name it in fashionable terms like "PubeHawk" or "BallCut" (like "bowl cut"! Haha! See what I did there?). I've taken a liking to several of them, and am tempted to walk around with my fly open to show it off. Is this normal?

Sincerely,

PubicInPublic

Ender's Game was probably my favorite book I read in school.

Dear Mr. Public,

It is completely normal for some pubic hair to be straight. Usually the straight hairs are located more along the side of the crotchal region. I recommend trimming these straight hairs so they don't stick out any further than the curly ones. Save the trimmed hair, and use it to create a fake mustache on next Halloween. Dress normally, and when people ask what you are, say "PubeStache".

I'm not sure I understand the logistics of "messing" yourself and then being able to show it off by walking around with your fly open. Does your semen just dribble down El Shafto and stick there? I'm going to go with...no, this is not normal.

Sincerely,

Speedz99

Pretty much, I lay down and jerk it at about a 60 degree angle towards my upper body. Occasionally, on days when I haven't enjoyed myself in some time, the ensuing load is a bit more than I anticipate, and gets on the crotchal area. Often I just clean it up, but one day while cleaning it I noticed that the spunk acts as an adhesive and can make pubic hair into funny patterns and "do's". I've since experimented.

You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

Dear Speedz,

I met this chick at the bar last weekend.

She was cute, I was witty - yada, yada, yada,

We ended up back at my house & it was going really well until I asked if I could call her "Matt".

Awkward hilarity ensued, followed shortly thereafter by blue balls.

So what I'm trying to say is...

I miss you.

But not in a 'gay' way.

Cause, you know,

That'd be weird...