I am bored, anyone got any funny jokes????

No.

Try Google.

I just heard Larry the cable guy tell one.

So there are these two guys out hunting and one has a rifle with a really high-powered scope on it. The guy looking through the scope says "oh man, I can see all the way to your house and your wife is cheating on you." The other man responds ,"Man, i've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates." The guy with the rifle said "ooh, I can get that in one shot."

CS

haha thats pretty good.... whats green and smells like pork???

[color=#009900]kermits finger

Actual Radio Conversation
This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We
are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers
and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change
your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's
one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be
undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The cubs organization.

Seems a little juvenile for someone in that position. Why didn't they just say that the first time the ship told them to divert? I should be in the navy. I'd rule the high seas. By not being a sarcastic dick about everything, I'd made Admiral in a matter of days. Then, I'd mutiny, and form a badass group of pirates.

One word: Canadians.

Hey, I just remembered that I used to have that pirate crew. Remember? Everyone hated us.

Yea, and then it went crazy and people made a Ninja crew and a bunch of other useless ones. Be proud.

Then there was that crazy phase where I went by that other screen name. Ah, memories. I have more here than I do in real life.

I was a proud member of the pirate crew. We ruled, I suddenly love my life.

Yeah, does BMW even post anymore? I think Ghost is gone, Lonshanks, Socko... wow, it's just you and me.

Look what I found in my old photobucket account.

I thought about breaking out the flag again, but I've settled down with the McPheever. I'm respectable now (actually, most people hate). I've got responsibilities, and so forth. Plus, General got so bad that even our 15-20 man raids went unnoticed. I haven't been in there in more than 4 months, and probably another 5 before that. Those days are gone.

Two guys are in a bar drinking and one turns to the other and says "Have you ever thought something but it didnt come out right, cause the other day I was at the airport and wanted two ticket to Pittsburg and accidentially said i want two pickets to Tittsburg"

The other guy agrees and states he did the same, "the other day I did the same thing when i was eating breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass the Orange Juice, but accidentially said 'you ruined my ****ing life *****"

Search function. There was a jokes thread a few days ago.

Do you know why women have babies?

Because it hurts and they deserve it.

Good luck.

I totally forgot about the pirate crew. I kinda wanted to join at first, but then it fizzled out.

He actually just picked up a new KIA.


He's trying to get his new handle KIASPECTAGuy but it is taken. Appeal pending

http://www.fullcontactpoker.com/poker-foru...topic=59323&hl=

Enjoy.

man i used to love going to Long John Silvers when I was little and get the cool pirate hats with my kids meal.

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

what ever happened to that really really long jokes thread that GK posted in every 5 seconds?

Who cares?

me, there were some good ones in there

I just picked random pages looking for topics with "Jokes" in the title.

This guy takes his wife out golfing. They come to a hole where the fairway has a bunch of houses on one side.

"okay honey" says the man "be sure not to hit the houses"

of course, wife slices it break a window. They go to the house and find the door open, a broken vase on the floor and a man sitting in a chair

"sorry about the window, and the vase" says the wife

"dont say sorry, in fact i should thank you. You see, im a genie, and ive been trapped in that vase for 1500 years, and youve just released me. For that, i will grant you one wish, but afterwards you must do me one favor, deal?"

man and wife agree

"I want season tickets to all my sports teams" says the man

"done" replies the genie

"i want to me a most beautiful woman in the world"

"done" replies the genie again.

"what is it you want" satys the wife

"well" the genie starts "Ive been in that vase for 1500 years, all alone and everything. No women and---"

"I know where youre going" the man interrupts "I will allow you have sex with my wife"

So the genie and the wife spend the next 39 hours having sex. Afterwards the genie ask the woman a question

"How old are you and youre husband" he asks

"We are both 38" the woman replies

The genie gets up and starts laughing "Wow, haha, 38 years old and you still believe in genies, thats hilarious"

Thats ****ing great.

I always liked this one, a variation of one I saw in Drew Carey's Dirty Jokes and Beer book. This version had a clean punchline, so I replaced it with Carey's version.

Two knights are riding through a forest in medieval England when they
come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!"
exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so
late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about."

"I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth
fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with
discomfort."

"Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with
haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the
peasant. "But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in
this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon
his shield be a rampant griffin."

"My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the
forest save thee."

The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short
while later they come upon a milk maid leading a cow along their path.
"Halt there, woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!"
exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move
in this forest during the night."

"Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my
mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare,
and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste."

"Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee
fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But
I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen
another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue
and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin."

"No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen.
I would remember such an image."

The knights thank the maid and continue on their way.

A short while later, one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other,
"Where the f_uck is Frank?"

that is awesome

bump. i don't really get the knight joke either. it doesnt really have a punchline. i mean i think its funny, but i'm worried i'm missing something. anyway, i have a joke.

So a husband and wife go on a day excursion to the Grand Canyon along with their 7-year-old son. They arrive at the canyon in their car and get out and are hanging out, just enjoying themselves.

Soon the husband and wife are in a discussion and there is a disagreement. It starts off as nothing serious, but soon it turns into more intense bickering, finally to outright argument. Shortly thereafter, the husband and wife are shrieking at each other. It is clear that it's no longer about the stain on the coffee table; no, these people have really detested each other from the get-go.

The argument reaches an uncontrollable intensity, much to the son's dismay. Finally the husband can't take it anymore, and yells "F-ck you, whore!" as he throws her off the Grand Canyon. She falls to her death, screaming profanities all the way down. The child is absolutely stricken with grief, but is stunned and speechless. He truly loved his mother. But now, the father realizes what he has just done. "O, woe is me!" he exclaims. "I can no longer live with this deed." He too jumps off the Grand Canyon, leaving his son behind.

Now the boy is absolutely devastated. He loved both of his parents dearly, and cannot function without them. So he goes to the side of the road, puts his head in his hands, and just begins to weep for hours.

He is still crying when a motorcyclist comes toward the canyon and sees the boy sobbing. He stops his motorcycle.

"Hey little boy, why are you crying?"

"Oh my god! My daddy just threw my mommy off the Grand Canyon, and then he threw himself off too!"

And the motorcyclist unzips his pants and says, "Damn kid, it's just not your day."

what do you call a broken escalator?

Man, thats wrong.

Stairs! Long live Mitch Hedberg!

Temporarily Stairs, Sorry for the convienence.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw

VNH.

Oh man, I am so going to hell for laughing as hard as I did to this joke. WOW...that was funny.

il be right there with u jesus thats awfull, at least its a dry heat

how does every single black joke star????






























:with a look behind your shoulder:

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?














Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?















































A pilot, you fucking bigot.

So.. heard any good jokes lately?

My ex-wife was accosted one night walking home, and the paper said she was violated. And they asked me for a comment. And I said 'Knowing my wife, it wasn't a moving violation.'



heard that one today.

Yeah.

Jamie Gold

Check please.............