I heard this joke in a bar the other nite thought it was funny and wanted to share. Add on some more.


A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what do you want and the vampire says "hot water" The bartender says "Hot water!? I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and goes "I'm making tea."

This is a repeat thread

but i heard one

"Butt sex is like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult."

David Williams musta loved Popeye as a kid....

Jesus walks into a hotel, puts 3 nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho Cheese

Two guys are at a train station. One of the guys comes back from the counter looking a little sheepish and hanging his head. His buddy asks him what's up. He says "oh man, the most embarassing thing just happened. I went up to the counter to buy our train passes and there was a woman behind the counter who was very atractive and quite busty. So when I went to ask for the passes I said 'Two pickets to Tittsburgh please!' Man you should have seen the look she gave me!"

His buddy takes this in and responses with a laugh "That's so funny, I had a very similar thing happen to me just this morning. I was sitting at the breakfast table having my coffee and reading the paper, I meant to ask my wife to pass the cream but instead I said 'You crazy B itch you ruined my life!'

What's the different between you and a Mallard with a cold?




One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

ROFLMAO I love that joke

What do you call Baines that plays every day?

Daily Harold

(Harold Baines)

yeah that sucked.

This one needs visuals but ill try and explain it.

What do you call this? (Stand straight up and hold arms out to your side)

A really **** way to spend easter.

What is Hellen Keller's favorite color?


















Courdoroy

What are you when you take a piss in France?

Europeon

Wrong.


Did you hear about the Gay guy who was fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job?

excellent. stolen. by me.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg??





Answer---->Pick him up and suck his dick.

That's the funniest thus far on this thread....

Why cant Helen Keller drive?



















Cause she's a woman.

What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?















You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

Person 1: Ask me if I have an orange in my ear.
Person 2: Do you have an orange in your ear?
Person 1: No

Why did Hellen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?

You would too if your name was UNGWAAAANOWAAA

Little Timmy got a new bike for Christmas, and took it out for a ride. He got around the block, and a mounted police officer stopped him. "Did Santa bring you that bike?" he asked. Little Timmy grinned and said "Yes sir!" The officer wrote him a ticket and said "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on that bike." Timmy looked up at him and said "Did Santa bring you that horse, mister?" The officer decided to play along "Yes, he did." "Well, tell Santa next year to put the d ick on the bottom of the horse."

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?


>>> A buccaneer!

BWWWWWWWWWWAHAHAHHAHAAHAAAHHA! Meh!

What's worse than finding half a worm in the bite mark you just made in an apple?



---------->BEING RAPED

Two Islamic Terrorist sneak into the United States and meet up in a crowded resturant in a big city. As one of the terorist started to talk about what they would do next the other terrorist said hey man don't speak Arabic fool! We have to fit in.........speak Spanish!

2 guys walk into a bar.




The 3rd guy ducks

Two peanuts were walking down the street....













One was A Salted!

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says" Why the long face?"

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, floating in a pond?













Bob.

Have you seen stevie wonders house?






Neither has he.

What's the difference between Kathy Liebert and a bowling ball?

































































You'd eat a bowling ball if you had to.

What's the difference between circus midgets and a women's track team?








Ones a bunch of cunning runts

Difference between KFL and a large pizza?

























Large pizza can feed a family of four.

TOP 10 VALENTINE DAY CARD REJECTS


10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ***.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ***.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

ATYP

Last one for today, one of my favorites:

never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

OUT-F*CKING-STANDING

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen.

What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

Not being retarded.

3 guys walk into a bar. A peodophile, a homosexual and a priest.

No wait....

1 guy walks in to a bar

Fantastic.

Q- What do you do when you see an epileptic having a seizure in a bathtub?

A- Throw in a load of laundry.

Q- Also, do you know why women have babies?

A- Because it hurts and they deserve it.

Q- Do you know why women fake their orgasms?

A- Because they think we care.

See you in hell.

Why doesnt my wife wear a watch?
-theres a clock on the stove

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
-Nothing youve already told her twice

Whats the first thing my wife does when she gets home from the battered womans meeting?
-the dishes if the bitch knows whats good for her

FYJoke

How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?

She answered the Iron.


How did Hellen Keller burn the other side of her face?

They called back.


A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under one arm, his wife is laying in their bed. The guy says, " I just wanted to show you the ugly pig that I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife says, "Honey that's not a pig"

The husband says" Who said I was talking to you!"

Two nurses working in a morgue. They are sent into a room to clean up a body and get him ready for the funeral home or whatever. So they find this poor bloke dead on the table with a giant erection pushing up at the sheet covering him. As they strip the sheet of him both girls gasp " would you have a look at that". The guy is just stacked and well the girls are pretty impressed.

First nurse says "wow, what a waste can you believe it". Second nurse says "stuff this I'm not letting that thing go to waste I'm jumping on for a ride. He's dead, whats the harm"? She strips off, jumps on top and proceeds to get herself well and truly off.

As she is tidying herself up she says to the other nurse "go on you have a try, it's well worth it". Other nusre says "damn, sure looks like fun but I can't, It's that time of the month you know". "So what" is the reply, "jump on do your business and we will clean him up after. Bloody bloke is dead, how's he going to know and it's not like you see something like that everyday".

Yeah why not she thinks. On she gets and away she goes getting stuck right into it. Having the time of her life. All of a sudden the bloke sits dead upright, very much awake and alive.

Shock, horror I'm so sorry sir, we meant no harm we thought you were dead.


Yeah he says as he gives her a wink and a smile...........














It's amazing what a blood transfusion will do for ya!!!