Frank Costello: beans-n-icewater
Billy Costigan: JoeyJoJo
Frenchy, Frank’s number 1: Ron Mexico
Fitzy, top soldier: speedz99
Delahunt, soldier: Sal Paradise
Oliver Queenan: FCP Bob
Colin Sullivan: dna4ever
Dignam: Governator
Ellerby: steve7stud
Billy Costigan: JoeyJoJo
Frenchy, Frank’s number 1: Ron Mexico
Fitzy, top soldier: speedz99
Delahunt, soldier: Sal Paradise
Oliver Queenan: FCP Bob
Colin Sullivan: dna4ever
Dignam: Governator
Ellerby: steve7stud
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
beans-n-icewater: I don’t want to be a product of this forum. I want this forum to be a product of me. Years ago, we had general poker. That was only a way of saying we had each other. Shimmering Wang, Spademan, and smasharoo were head-breakers. They took over their piece of the forum. That's what the newbies don't realize. If I got one thing against the green chaps it's this. No one gives it to you. You have to take it.
General poker wants you in your place. What sort of man wants to be kept in his place? Post this, don’t post that, flame this guy, but don’t flame that guy…I mean if you go for that sort of thing…
dna4ever: I don’t go for that…
beans-n-icewater: You decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you, general poker. When I was your age, they would say, we become moderators or off topic vets. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when the latest FCP scam is announced…what’s the difference?
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
FCP Bob: Congratulations on earning the new title, and welcome to the Moderating Team.
Governator: Whoop-di-fuckin’ do.
FCP Bob: We won’t be working directly together, you’ll be working for steve7stud, but I like to see everybody. You’re a worker, you’ll rise fast.
Governator: Like a twelve year old’s dick.
dna4ever: Thank you, Gov.
Governator: My pleasure.
dna4ever: Thank you, Bob.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
FCP Bob: Do you know what we do here? My section?
JoeyJoJo: Sir, yes, sir, I have an idea…
Governator: Whoa, let's say you have no idea and leave it there. No idea. Zip, none. If you had an idea about what we do we would not be good at what we do. We would be cunts. Are you calling us cunts?
FCP Bob: Governator has a style of his own. I’m afraid we all have to deal with it.
FCP Bob: You have connections in the sick thread. Through a friend. Tell us about turd furguson.
JoeyJoJo: turd was an FCP veteran, an early Army guy.
Governator: turd furguson was a troublemaker who started inflammatory threads. He got banned last year and hasn’t been back.
JoeyJoJo: Yeah, that’s right.
Governator: You tell anybody in general poker – that is, before you got ostracized for trying to pass off Cool Hand Luke as your own story – you had a friend met his demise like that? I got a question. How fucked up are you? Let’s look at others on your “friends” list. That anti-semite scram – he’s another goof – got banned for racist posts. Among many, many, many other departures from, ah, normative behavior.
JoeyJoJo: What’s this got to do with me?
Governator: Your friends are all sickies and off-topic slackers. They’re dug into that forum like ticks. Lifers down there. You got your start, however, in general poker. La di fuckin’ da. You were kind of a double poster, I bet, right? One poster in general. One poster in off topic. All poker talk one day and then insults and invisible bikes the next. I got that right? You have different accounts? You did, didn’t you? You little fuckin’ snake. You were different fuckin’ people.
FCP Bob: We have a question. You want to be a moderator, enforce the rules, or do you want to appear to be a moderator? Lots of guys want to appear to be moderators. Special powers, title.
Governator: A lot of ‘em just want to ban some trolls.
JoeyJoJo: I’m all set without your personal forum title, Gov.
Governator: What the fuck did you say to me?
JoeyJoJo: Bob, with all due respect, sir, what is it you want from me?
Governator: Hey asshole, he can't help you. I know what you are, and what you aren't. I'm the best friend you ever had on the face of the earth. I'm gonna help you understand something: You're no fuckin' moderator.
FCP Bob: He's right. We deal in deceptions here. But what we don't deal with is self-deception. In five years, you might be anything else in the world, but you won't be an FCP moderator.
JoeyJoJo: You sure of that?
FCP Bob: I'm sure of that.
Governator: Guaranteed.
JoeyJoJo: So what do I do?
FCP Bob: During the war, Churchill used river mines. He'd float them down the rivers into Germany. They'd either hit something, or not. That's what we'll use you for. I'll float you down the river. The rest will happen. Or it won't...
Governator: I need you, pal. You've already pretended to be a slacker from Off Topic.
JoeyJoJo: Everyday...Governator.
Governator: Perfect.
FCP Bob: Do it again. For me.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
steve7stud: This unit is new, and you are the newest members of it. You have been selected for it on the basis of a lack of sense of humor. This is an elite unit. Our job is to smash – or at least marginally disrupt – the Off Topic factions in this forum by our own efforts and by the disinterested cooperation with DanielNegreanu and we will do it. And by Off Topic factions in this forum…you know who we mean.
beans uses three key guys. There’s speedz…the Jew who threw Greenstein under the bus just to pretend to back our guy Daniel…
There’s Sal Paradise, the muscle…
and here’s Ron Mexico…the number one.
But of course the rock star is…
I want to have any and all ideas, so I can pass them off as my own for a hidden fee. Do your jobs and you will rise fast. You’re in the best position in the forum. Let’s go to work.
Governator is our liaison with the undercover section. Their undercover work is extensive. He's here to give us his report. Governator.
Governator: OK. They're out there, my people. They're like the fuckin' Indians. You're not gonna see them. You're not gonna hear about them except through me or FCP Bob. You will not, ever, know the identity of undercover people. This shit hole, unfortunately, has more fuckin' leaks than the Iraqi navy.
steve7stud: Fuck yourself.
Governator: I'm tired from fucking your wife.
steve7stud: How's your mother?
Governator: Good. She's tired from fucking my father.
OK, today, girls, what I got for you is fake accounts. Somebody, as you may already know, created several fake accounts with the “Info” name. Any big thread that’s going on has an “Info” account attached to it.
We got a guy says that he hears beans is putting the Info accounts into play…that he set up all the fuckin’ accounts. You don’t want to miss it if beans takes a dump.
steve7stud: We’d miss less if your informants were available to us, and of course to Daniel…
DanielNegreanu: Without asking for details, do you have anyone in with beans presently?
Governator: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on figureheads is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ‘em shit and keep ‘em in the dark. You girls have a nice day.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
runthemover: He’s not a mod. He got out of suspension three weeks ago. Dead up. He talks like his shit don’t stink, but he’s good people.
LadyGrey: Cunt mod.
speedz99: I liked his friend turd furguson.
runthemover: turd furguson was excellent.
Randy Reed: Fucking moderators.
JoeyJoJo: (starting a new thread) “…and then, two spots from the final table, he hits a two-outer on me.”
Sbriand: That’s poker. Of course when all the money went in it was a coin flip. You always start new threads when you lose a coin flip?
e-fight between JoeyJoJo and Sbriand broken up by Ron Mexico
JoeyJoJo: Stay out of this.
Ron Mexico: Do you know me?
JoeyJoJo: No.
Ron Mexico: I'm the guy who tells you there are guys you can insult and there are guys you don't. That's not quite a guy you can't insult, but it's almost a guy you can't insult, so I'm fucking ruling on it right now that you don't insult him, understand?
JoeyJoJo: Yeah. Excellent. Fine.
Ron Mexico: I know you. I know your friends. Also I know you do another stupid thread with that idiot fucking mod-magnet runthemover and I'll forget your friend was very nice to me and cut your fucking nuts off. You understand that?
JoeyJoJo: Yeah.
Ron Mexico: Now you know me.
JoeyJoJo: Yeah.
Ron Mexico: What were you posting?
JoeyJoJo: A bad beat story.
Ron Mexico: It was a coin flip.
Let him start his thread.
(to Sbriand) That's turd furguson’s friend.
Sbriand: Oh...
Ron Mexico: Oh, what? Get the fuck out of here.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
steve7stud: All right, let’s bring it in, please. Our target is a batch of joke accounts. Yes, those. I don’t get the joke. You don’t get the joke. Who gives a fuck? FCP is announcing their latest promotion and beans won’t let that slide. dna4ever will ID the sickies and watch for their posts.
dna4ever: I didn’t know about this promotion.
steve7stud: How long have we been working on this? Our unit will not take action until a man FCP Bob has inside the operation has verified they’re online. Questions? Anyone? This is who we’re after.
We’ve been after this cocksucker for a long time, and tonight we’re gonna get him. Get to work.
steve7stud: (to dna4ever) Sorry to get you at the last minute. But things leak. This lead came from FCP Bob’s undercover guy.
theresa113: Piece of cake. I’ll scan for new names as they log on. You ID the sickies and watch where they go.
FCP Bob: All members are listed at the bottom of the page as they log on.
dna4ever sends PM to beans: “Log in as anonymous.”
dna4ever: All right. That’s beans right there. Beans, Ron Mexico, speedz, Sal Paradise, JoeyJoJo the new guy…Time is 10:46.
One by one the sickies drop off the member list.
Zach6668: We have a blind spot.
steve7stud: Why do you have a blind spot?
Zach6668: They could just be anonymous. The anonymous log in function has been there from the beginning. We had two hour’s notice. Two hours. What the fuck you think this is, Microsoft?
steve7stud: It never crossed my mind. You got a backdoor to ID them?
theresa113: What back door?
JoeyJoJo sends PM to FCP Bob: “all still here.”
FCP Bob: The sickies are there.
steve7stud: You know, direct access to your fucking guys would have certain fuckin’ advantages.
FCP Bob: Not to my guy.
A new thread from PACT Info 2 has been started parodying the latest FCP promotion. Also, various Info account posts appear in each stickied FCP promotion thread belittling FCP’s efforts.
JoeyJoJo: What’re we gonna do now, beans?
beans-n-icewater: We log on. We didn’t commit no illegalities.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
A PM notification pops up on dna4ever’s screen.
beans-n-icewater: What the fuck is it with your AIM?
dna4ever: Nothin’, nothin’. I just forgot to log on, that’s all. It just happened once.
beans-n-icewater: I’m getting the feeling we got a mod in my crew.
dna4ever: I been getting’ that same feeling.
beans-n-icewater: He’s one of yours. Inside. Have you seen anything?
dna4ever: Look, I have no access to undercover files in FCP Bob’s department. It’s locked up. FCP Bob and Governator run the snitches. They don’t give anybody a peep. I’m doing the best I can.
beans-n-icewater: Your best? What do you think we’re in, the fuckin’ haberdashery business?
dna4ever: Please beans, if you don’t relax I can’t relax. Let’s start with this…get me all the information on the people logged on with you last night. Everyone that works for you. Get me real first names. Get me e-mail addresses.
beans-n-icewater: Get you? Give you? Who the fuck do you work for?
dna4ever: Okay, beans…I’m sorry…could you please get me names, e-mail, phone numbers, anything like that. Everything that you don’t get from an FCP profile.
beans-n-icewater: Calm down or you’ll shoot in your pants. I’ll get you the records and whatnot. You’ll have ‘em but listen to me son, don’t disappoint me on this, or some other guy will be playing jotto with little missIdaho.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
beans-n-icewater: You can get out of here. This is the crew for tonight.
JoeyJoJo: I thought I was on for that.
beans-n-icewater: I changed my mind. Take the night off.
Ron Mexico: Some guys answer the questions right. Some don’t.
theresa113: Can I ask a question, dna?
dna4ever: Yes, go ahead.
theresa113: Why the fuck are we tracking FCP Bob’s internet activities? To find out about the good Canadian life?
dna4ever: I have to follow every lead, however unlikely, however fucking painful it might be to your delicate sensibilities.
theresa113: Who says I have delicate sensibilities?
dna4ever: I have reason to believe that FCP Bob is beans’ informer. Track him and don’t get made.
dna4ever: (to beans-n-icewater) I think I’ve got him. I think FCP Bob is going to be chatting with him right now.
Sal Paradise: Get on IM. Get the boys.
FCP Bob: I assume this chat room doesn’t have a swear filter. So, what the fuck is going on?
JoeyJoJo: I told you, he’s got something going on, I don’t know what. He’s getting spooky, Bob…
FCP Bob: What do you mean?
JoeyJoJo: He’s crazy. I just saw the man. He had all kinds of crazy .jpg’s and animated .gif’s. I can’t get any more information for you. I can’t trust it. He’s not including his regular guys…I’m telling you, he’s gonna find out who I am. He’s gonna fuckin’ kill me, I know it.
FCP Bob: All right, all right. I hear you. I’m sorry for your trouble. Look, I’m not gonna jeopardize your safety any longer. I’ll get you out. I can’t do it overnight but I’ll do it. We can ban him for what we have. At least I think we can…I hope. You’re out of there ASAP.
Sal Paradise: (text message to JoeyJoJo) Where the fuck are you? We been trying to reach you. We’re gonna get the rat. Top man says we gonna take care of him. The chat room is #314. You got it? All right, see you there.
JoeyJoJo: They’re coming here.
FCP Bob: Impossible.
JoeyJoJo: No, one of the mods he’s got inside tipped him.
FCP Bob: Log off immediately. I’ll be fine. If you get made I can’t protect you. Get out. Now. That’s an order. I’ll be fine.
Right after JoeyJoJo logs off, Ron Mexico, speedz99, Sal Paradise, and others show up in chat room #344.
FCP Bob: Can I help you gentlemen?
speedz99: I guess we’ve had enough of this shit. Who’s your boy?
One of the other sickies sends a personal IM to FCP Bob titled, “Here’s your IP Board add-ons package.” FCP Bob, distracted, uploads the file titled “8888,” which is actually a virus. The virus goes to work. It begins wreaking havoc on the FCP board. It also recovers FCP Bob’s deleted e-mails and forwards them to all the addresses listed in the deleted e-mails.
speedz99: You’re fuckin’ late. Where the fuck were you? We’re getting the fuck out of here now.
JoeyJoJo: What the fuck happened? I came to meet you.
DanielNegreanu is informed that FCP is crashing and that FCP Bob is the reason. He permanently bans FCP Bob. In the chaos of the forums crashing, theresa113 noticed only one name in the chat room with FCP Bob: Sal Paradise. Before the forums go down completely, she bans Sal.
speedz99: And where the fuck were you?
JoeyJoJo: Boss told me to go offline.
speedz99: Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. At any rate you weren’t fuckin’ answering.
JoeyJoJo: I was in a fucking grocery store with no signal. When I got a signal I got the message. What the fuck do you want? Was I there or was I not there? Huh?
Sal Paradise: (text message to JoeyJoJo) Two days ago the Boss says to me, it’s been three years already, and you’ve never done me wrong. He asked me, if one of the other guys is a rat, would I take him out. I told him I would but I don’t know if I would. Now I know I can’t. I’ve done a lot of bad things but I’ve never done that. You know what I thought today?
JoeyJoJo: What’s that?
Sal Paradise: Who didn’t show up today is the rat.
JoeyJoJo: Yeah, so?
Sal Paradise: You never been late in your life. And when I texted you, I made a mistake. I gave you the wrong chat room. But you showed up at the right one. Tell me why I didn’t say anything. Tell me why.
JoeyJoJo: Sal’s banned. I’m logging off.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
dna4ever looks into FCP Bob’s activity on the forum to try to undo the chaos from the virus. He sees a PM from a member with zero posts that reads, “We need to talk about beans.” He replies from FCP Bob’s account.
JoeyJoJo: (on other account) You sent this message from a banned guy’s account. Who are you?
dna4ever: So it is you. Thank God you’re all right. We were very worried.
JoeyJoJo: Who are you?
dna4ever: You’re talking to dna4ever. I’m taking over FCP Bob’s duties.
JoeyJoJo: I’ll have to talk to Governator to confirm it.
dna4ever: Governator has taken a leave of absence. He’s very upset. We’re all very upset. The best thing would be for you to come in. We need you to come in.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
dna4ever: Don’t do it. You’ve got a tail. Two mods. Not very subtle. They won’t be subtle from now on. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
beans-n-icewater: Get rid of them.
dna4ever: There’s no need to do it yourself, beans.
beans-n-icewater: Get rid of the fuckin’ tail!
dna4ever: I will. Alright.
dna4ever: Stop. Stop. Pull these guys off. Tell your team to stop following beans. We don’t need to track him.
steve7stud: What the fuck are you talking about?
dna4ever: I have it from an undercover: beans knows he’s being tracked. Let our UC take him in.
steve7stud: What informant?
dna4ever: FCP Bob’s guy. He PM’d me when he found out Bob was banned. I’m running him.
steve7stud: No. You give him to me.
dna4ever: No. But I can give you beans’ target.
steve7stud: You know what he’s doing?
dna4ever: Yes. Call off the tail, and get all the mods on standby. We meet him where he’s going. We’re gonna take this prick tonight.
JoeyJoJo: beans told me to check out another forum. You guys go ahead.
El Guapo: Watch your ass.
All the mods are waiting for the sickies and one by one they get banned as they appear in the latest FCP promotion threads.
dna4ever: You’re Daniel’s informant.
beans-n-icewater: Jesus, dna, grow up. Course I’m talking to Daniel.
dna4ever: Does he know who I am?
beans-n-icewater: Nobody knows nothin’.
dna4ever: Beans, beans, does he know about me?
beans-n-icewater: I know you, dna. You know I’d never give you up. You’re like a protégé to me.
dna4ever: A protégé…to you? Is that what it is about, all that money and nobody to be like you?
Beans starts to upload a comic strip of dna, but before he can finish dna bans beans
dna4ever: I got beans! I got beans here!
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
dna4ever: Good to see you Moderator.
JoeyJoJo: Yeah. "Moderator".
dna4ever: I’m dna4ever. We spoke by PM. How long have you been undercover?
JoeyJoJo: Long time. Long fuckin' time.
dna4ever: I can't begin to tell you what a debt we owe you. I want you to know I'll be recommending you for the Featured Member of the Month.
JoeyJoJo: Featured Member. Oh, yeah. That's kinda like a gold star around here, right?
dna4ever: It's the highest honor we got.
JoeyJoJo: I just want my identity back.
dna4ever: You want to be a mod again?
JoeyJoJo: No, being a mod's not an identity. I want my identity back. What are you gonna do about the rat in your team?
dna4ever: I'm gonna find him. Don't you worry about that. You got anything? Did beans, uh, say anything...
JoeyJoJo: I'm all done being a mod. I just want to get my money and go home.
dna4ever: Fair enough. You've given a lot. I can get you your file. I just need your password.
JoeyJoJo: The password's my name, Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo. They gave it to me in case something happened to them and I had to explain myself to someone like you.
dna4ever: All right, Joey. Just give me a minute. I'm gonna go in the other room. This computer's gone blooey on me.
dna4ever had inadvertently opened the virus from FCP Bob. JoeyJoJo receives a text message of a deleted e-mail that dna4ever had sent. It reads, “beans, received everyone’s real names. Will have rat soon.” JoeyJoJo realizes what this means and logs off. When dna comes back he sees his sent e-mails and also realizes what happened.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
JoeyJoJo: I've got something to...to give to you...something I need you to keep. For me.
Patty74: What is it?
JoeyJoJo: I need you to be my friend here and not ask any questions. That e-mail’s for you to hold. Only you. Open this if I'm banned or if I message you and tell you to open it. Please do exactly what it says. Exactly what it says, please.
Patty74: All right.
JoeyJoJo: I'm sorry to involve you like this. There was no one else I could give it to. I'm sorry. There was no one else.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
dna4ever: What do you want?
JoeyJoJo: I want my identity, you two-faced rat prick.
dna4ever: I came here to talk some fucking sense to you. You get a hold of yourself and act professional and I can get you your money.
JoeyJoJo: What did you say?
dna4ever: I can get you your…
JoeyJoJo: You didn’t come here to talk, you fuckin’ maggot, you came here to get suspended.
dna4ever: Suspended? Suspended for what? So you got e-mails of what. Beans was my informant. I was his rat? Fuck you. Prove it. I say he was my informant.
JoeyJoJo: Shut your fuckin’ mouth.
dna4ever: What is this, an FCP veteran’s suspension? Blow me, prick. Only one of us is a mod here, Joey. Nobody knows who you are. Nobody knows who you are.
JoeyJoJo: Would you shut the fuck up.
dna4ever: I’m a moderator for the FCP off topic forum. Who the fuck are you? Nobody. I erased your posts.
JoeyJoJo: You erased me?
dna4ever: Go ahead. Ban me, Einstein. See what happens.
JoeyJoJo: What would happen is that you never post on this forum again.
dna4ever: Watch what happens.
dna4ever waits for a response from JoeyJoJo, but it never comes. He quickly checks the log book and sees, “JoeyJoJo permanently banned by KDawgCometh.”
KDawgCometh: Did you think you were the only one he had? Beans was going to sell us to Daniel. It’s you and me now. We have to take care of each other. You understand?
dna4ever: All right.
dna bans KDawg.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
dna logs on and notices that Governator is back and viewing his profile. He knows what’s coming next.
dna4ever: Ok.
Governator bans dna4ever.
The End.
