I had such a great date last night and amazingly it was a blind date.

I just had the worst date of my life. Ever.

I wasn’t expecting much because anybody who needs to be set up by their friends can’t be that attractive. I haven’t had a date in a while either, but that’s not because I can’t meet women, I just haven’t had time, you know? My good friend Jack works with some hot chick and he said she has a friend I should go out with. So I figure, hey, why not?

It’s really disappointing as well because my friend Jade set me up with the guy, and she always dates these ridiculously desirable men so I was expecting a lot. I would never normally go on a blind date, so the fact that I agreed to do it at all shows how much I trusted her taste in men. Suffice to say I am NOT going to do it again.

The date got off to a pretty bad start. I got caught up at school and didn’t have time to go home to change and get ready. Normally I like to really dress up, you know, really impress the ladies. Unfortunately I had to just go with what I had on at the time, jeans, regular ol’ shirt. On top of that, my hair was a mess and I didn’t even have time to shave. She must’ve thought I was a total slob.

Really, it wasn’t even his looks that were the problem. The first time I saw him I actually thought he was really quite cute. He had a slightly messy look to his hair and a trace of stubble, which I found rather sexy at the time. For clothes he was wearing jeans and a nice shirt. I thought it was a cool, smart-casual look, even though pretty much every frat guy douchebag dresses the exact same way.

The date started out fairly standard, questions about school/work, hobbies, etc., etc. I’ve always hated that part of the date. How do you tell a girl you’re studying to be Dr. Doolittle? They’re gonna think one of two things: either you couldn’t cut it as a real doctor or you’re just a pussy. Then, to top it off, it turns out she’s going to be working in sports! I got a little flustered thinking she seemed like more of a man than me and I just blurted out that I liked her dress. Luckily for me, she actually was wearing a dress. This was going poorly.

To start with it was ok, probably because we were just doing the typical getting-to-know-you conversation. He said he was training to become a vet which was an instant turn-on - who doesn’t feel attracted to a guy that loves animals? It’s probably something psychological to do with thinking he would be good with children too. Anyway, tangent. So he said he was studying to be a vet and I told him about my new job as a sports therapist, then we got talking about our families. We had a lot in common because we both have an older sister and both our parents are divorced, so again it seemed like we were going to hit it off. Also he complimented my dress… I don’t know if he meant it or if he just said it to be charming, but either way it’s always nice, right?

Finally things started turning around. She made some jokes and I made a point to laugh at all her jokes. Girls like a guy with a sense of humor. I could tell she liked it too because it really seemed like she was getting into it, like she was trying anything to make me laugh. I think this was a good sign.

Okay, so then it started to go wrong. Firstly, anytime I said something with even the tiniest trace of sarcasm or humour (basically anything that wasn’t negative), he would laugh hysterically, and it was clearly forced most of the time. I started to feel like I could say some really stupid things and he would still laugh at it like I was some sort of comedic genius. His laugh was so moronic too, it was like “hurr hurr hurr HURR”. The end one was always really strenuous. So damned annoying.

This was when I first started noticing how cool she was. She’s working in sports, she’s cracking jokes, things were great. She totally put me at ease. You know you’ve really made a connection when you can just sit back and relax on a first date.

Once I noticed this I started noticing tons of other irritating things about him. For instance, the way he was sitting. He was constantly leaning back in his chair with one arm resting on the back of the chair, and the other on the table holding his beer bottle. So at ease and chilled out… so arrogant and self-indulgent. Clearly he thought I couldn’t wait to jump in bed with him, so he was lying back like Mr freakin Cool, the Fonz or whoever. Totally in love with himself and deluded enough to think I was enamoured by him.

By the time the food came, I was making jokes too. She was eating a burger and sometimes she’d get some mustard on her chin or something and she’d slowly lick it off. God, was she sending me all kinds of signals or what? Don’t think I let that go unnoticed though. I didn’t want to be too obvious about it, so I’d just make a joke and let her know that I know what she’s doing. She asked me some question about politics, but luckily I heard something on the radio on the way to the restaurant so I was at least able to fake an answer. I’m sure she didn’t notice or really care anyway.

When the food came he started teasing me for ordering a hamburger, making all these jokes about how I “clearly love the meat”, and pointing it out whenever I got a streak of mayo or mustard on my chin, even when I was already licking it off. Way to make me feel totally self-conscious about eating in front you, asshole. By this time we had run out of small talk and were entering the zone where you need to talk about a real topic. Unfortunately this guy was a total plank. I asked him who he was supporting in the primaries and he said he liked John McClane. ‘McClane’ … he wasn’t joking. Just a total cretin. The rest of the conversation (in between the frequent lapses of awkward silence) is pretty much reflected by that one snippet.

At the end of the meal I, of course, paid for it. I wanted to show her I had some money, so I made sure to let her see my roll. I keep a hundred on the outside, a twenty inside that, then the rest are ones. Peel the hundred off and it looks like you’ve got serious dough. The only downside is I’ll have to go back the bank to replace that hundred and I’ve had that one for a while now.

Anyway, we got back to her place and I could tell she was thinking about inviting me up, but unfortunately she had to get up really early tomorrow. It’s understandable, when you get set up for a blind date, you never really think it’s going to go well. This one was different.

I have a feeling I’ll be seeing a lot of her.

The only consolation was that he paid for the meal. That and the crestfallen look on his face when I lied that I had to get up at 5am tomorrow and really had to go to bed immediately.

W.....T...........F?

Lol, cute.

So she really didn't like me? Damn

I'm going to take yoga so I can suck my own dick.

It's not that great, especially if you suck at giving head like me.

Dammit.



Sweet.

Or at least it would be if it was true.



Yippee-ki-yay, Mister Falcon.
(yes, I know)

You can always have the rib removal surgery, it save time and is much easier.

This is the second best dub in the history of movies edited for television.

The first is from Tremors. "Broke into the wrong gosh darn rec room, didn't ya, ya big jerk!"

I don't know...I always thought number one was from Major League.

"Strike this guy out."

I watched that yesterday or the day before too.

And to the OP, if you wrote that yourself then jolly good work.

Shit. We forgot about what happens.

That wins indubitably. By god, who gave that clearance?

where in the name of gumby's popsicle have YOU been!?

i always liked the "What are YOU looking at, melon farmer?" by SLJ in Die Hard 3.

Bukake

nah, that's MisterB

A broken smile beneath her whispered wings.

Chapstick

A Strongbad avatar, I haven't watched that in a long time.

I'm a stalwart, but I feel its gone downhill in the last year or so.

Maybe I'm maturing? Doubtful.

I don't know if I can watch this movie again without thinking about this.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or not.

LOL


I always liked. Joe pesci's dubs in GoodFella's.

and Chris tucker in money talks. "Mother Frenchie!"

Jane Fonda said a naughty word on national TV.

I don't understand why so few of you have acknowledged Duke for this post. It seems to me he spent a great deal of time writing this. Assuming it wasn't a copy and paste job.

I like the idea, Duke. Keep up the good work.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm


i dont know about you

Precisely my point, sir. Precisely my point!

riiiiiiiight?