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This mentally retarded little fagbucket embodies the entire alpha through omega of why we play cards in the first place; it isn't about the money with him; no, it's the rarefied inner peace that washes us over whenever we felt this **********, meting just a wee bit of justice and righting a small piece of life in an otherwise crooked world.... And after you've taken his all his bread and left him broke and dejected, go to the casino window and watch as his lowered 1991 Crown Victoria on 24” gold Daytons sorrowfully hops down the road, secure in the knowledge that because of you, the weekly meeting with Mr. Probation Officer is going to be just that much worse when he has to explain why his McDonalds paycheck isn't available for the court ordered restitution. Eddie the Expert: 
Truly, the most juicy D-Bag in the entire game.Ya see, he's read BOTH Supersystems, can TOTALLY calculate pot odds, is a senior member of EVERY POKER FORUM (including this one) and has seen EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of HSP. The biggest names in poker? He can drop 'em all... Hellmuth. Ivey. Moneymaker. Johnny. Fucking. Chan.... Evey other sentence, he's discussing some hand he played on the higher levels of “STARS” or “FTP” (enunciated as an acronym- “So, I was playing 10/20 Omaha on Eff-Tee-Pee...) but always exaggerating the level by about two or three orders of magnitude. Initially, as he blathers about pot odds and bet sizes, you wish he would just STFU and stop tapping the glass but then you realize that he's the biggest fish in the entire fucking game and proceed to sodomize him accordingly. Each horrendous call he makes is always verbally justified by some LOL-worthy incorrect interpretation poker-theory abstraction, but don't LOL at him. Muster up as much sincerity as you can and compliment him-a lot. “Damn, nice lay down. I never seem to get paid with hands like this” after sticking a big reraise with 9/4 off against his lame and predictable position bump, as you deposit your rags into the muck make his chips your own...Whenever you have a huge hand and he folds, show him. That's right... Great decision. NEVER, EVER show him a bluff. In his own mind, everything he does is “correct”. What he doesn't know is that his “expert decision-making' is about to pay your mortgage for the next two months... Asian LAG:
From the very instant this rittle bastard crawled out of mamasans sideways vagina, he's been a gambler. Were it not for his families fortuitous float across the ocean, he would be back in the homeland pulling a rikshaw for nickels or polishing the knobs of fag sex tourists, but thankfully for him, he's here and will be your primary competition in gathering up the stacks of the other losers. Generally stay out of his way, but when he starts to get out of line (and he will), then it's our job to rain hell down upon him so ferociously that all he can do is cower amidst flashbacks of the napalm killing his village. Ollie Oldendays:
Yarrrrr! This ancient leatherass hasn't left the poker table chair since his last arterial bypass surgery in 86.. All he has to show for his illustrious 40 year gaming career are an extensive collection of pud stained stripper leaflets, a rat infested dump in the ghetto with 9 overdue mortgages that he can't sell because of the two dead hookers buried in the back yard and cirrhosis of the liver from a lifetime spent sucking down casino comped well-brand 7&7's. Rumor has it that back in the day, he was quite the playa, unfortunately, the young punks done went and changed the game on poor Captain Slopebrow and he just hasn't been able to cope with “the new poker”. Raise him, raise him a lot but for christs sake, when he raises you back, FOLD YOUR DAMN HAND. If you call, you may as well make a beeline to the stick man at the craps pit and hand your BR right over, since anything you give to this degenerate scumbag will wind up there anyway. The Menstruator:
Yeah, we'd hit it, but that doesn't matter... The only thing that matters to us is busting this chicks ass worse than her most recent interracial anal scene.. Pay no mind to the skin-wrapped silicone. When she smiles, scowl back. When she talks to you, roll your eyes. Unless you have a freezer sized zip-loc full of blow or an AMG, she isn't giving up the poon anyway so lets FOCUS PEOPLE and leave this slatchrag so busto that the only thing she has left are the painful childhood memories of Uncle Bob touching the naughty spot. The Fatness:
Poker is merely a distraction from his real battle, which he wages with fork and knife. Given that he's already eaten fifteen thousand dollars worth of crab legs and prime rib at the buffet, this grotesque mound of garbage is our favorite mark; no matter how much he loses at the poker table, he's already beaten the casino and from this mindset, we profit. He's willing to call that 3rd raise with 7/9, simply because he knows any pot he plays is already freerolled in terms of shrimp cocktail. Seeing as the reasoning centers of his brain have been suffocated by all the Cheez Whiz, mayonnaise, and sundaes, beating him is trivially simple. Bet with it, fold without it. Just don't get too close to him while he's eating, lest you wind up as a pile of feces shat out in his backyard. Euro Donktard (or, the proto-variant: Captain Canadian): 
If ever a case for the Black Panthers assertion that whitey is the lowest form of human on earth could be made, it's this *******. Hailing from some godforsaken tundra with a 99% suicide rate and pretty young women that age terribly, the game of blondie here knows no bounds. He's dangerous, but living his entire life with the safety net of free health care has made him moronically reckless. But it's OK. Taking his money will teach him the self reliance his people need. Schminkus Finklestein:
Looking as though he slithered straight out of central casting for a Goebbels propaganda film, whilst at the poker table, Shlomo here is in his most natural element, practicing the highest form of art inherent to his people; deception and lies. Watch as his beady little black eyes dart back and forth, scantly concealed beneath his oversized, tinted child molester glasses, preying on the tells of his weaker opponents... If ever you held any wonder why these people have been kicked out of every civilization they've ever inhabited since the beginning of time, you won't by the time this game is over. Still, the inferiority complex that drives his pathological desire to be dominant and an almost exclusive utilization of math makes him insanely exploitable. Cut this ****** up like a moyel with Parkinsons. Racially Ambiguous Brown Foreigner: 
Frankly, we have no idea whether this cat* is more likely to be picking lettuce in Bakersfield, flying around on a magic carpet or worshiping that weird elephant thing with all the wavy arms. While he generally plays pretty straight forward, the evolutionary process has put just enough yellow Asian in him to keep us on our toes. Beware of his tricks, but keep in mind that if these people were capable of much, they wouldn't still be living in mud huts .(* Which he may or may not eat)Our next lesson: Lesson 2: Who To Avoid
