19 replies to this topic

[Shimmering Wang]

The following can be found in my stupid blog, at: http://www.shimmeringwang.blogspot.comOne of my housemates was reading my blog recently and approached me. "Wang, I'm a little offended. Are my antics not hilarious enough to warrant an entry of mine own?" It was either that or "Bitch put me in your blog! I'm wasted!"So, without further ado, meet my trusted friend and accomplice, the legendarily sweet "Jeremiah Crunkington" (JC).Sir Crunkington has what we in the industry refer to as a "Blackout Problem." It happens to me, I'll admit, occassionally. Usually I just pull a Gray Davis, Fmr. CA gov. (D) and brown out a little, forgetting portions of the evening until I'm reminded the next day. Well, Jeremiah Crunkington blacks out nearly 100% of the time he drinks. He's not a lightweight by any stretch. Quite the contrary. He can booze with the best of them (us?), he just happens to lose conciousness relatively easily. It's my working theory that he's developed a very sophisticated defense mechanism of which I'm very seriously envious.I stayed in the other night to get a little work done (read: drink alone and play poker), but I heard about the man's antics from Greg, housemate #3. Usually I don't stoop to hearsay, opting instead, unlike some bloggers (I'm looking at you, Matt Drudge) to protect the integrity of my blog. I did some research, though, and have multiple sources for almost all of this. I feel comfortable publishing it.So a few nights ago, Jerry drank some absurd amount of liquor in a disgustingly short period of time (SOP) and headed with Greg to a party. Here's a brief synopsis of his relatively uneventful evening:- He made out on the dance floor with a girl yours truly, ahem, recently did the same with. If you're a regular reader of my blog (I know, I know... nobody reads), you may remember her from the Mustache Makeout incident (from the June 11th entry entitled "Look At Yourself").- The next day, he readily admitted that he had flashes of making out with somebody. After a few minutes of interrogation, it came to light that he believed it was a DIFFERENT girl, who just happens to be Greg's ex-girlfriend. Nobody is sure if he made out with BOTH girls, or was just too bombed to know who he was locking lips with. It should be noted that the MustacheLover happens to be at least 3 inches taller than Jeremiah Crunkington.- When he returned to the house that night, he demanded that he be driven to McDonald's. Nobody else wanted to go, so he made the logical decision to walk to McDonald's. The nearest McD's is probably 1.5 miles away, conservatively.- When he reached his destination, he was promptly told that it's company policy not to serve walkthroughs.- JC then proceeded to stake out the drivethrough window and solicit a ride. He offered the first car that came up a free meal if he'd just take him through the window. Shockingly, the330AM customer agreed.- JC then proceeded to request a ride home. Surprisingly, the driver agreed.- Mr. Crunkington, feeling grateful and happy to have made a new friend, invited his new pal inside for a drink and a joint. Completely unshockingly, his new buddy declined.- Jeremiah Crunkington scarfed down 5 breakfast burritos and proceeded to sleep for 3 hours until he had to get up for his morning class. Unshowered, he rode his bike to class "reeking of booze" (his words). Upon arrival, he saw that class had been cancelled. Undaunted by the public location of the classroom, he unsaddled his backpack and took a 30 minute nap. In the hallway. Of a major university. He's 23.- When Mr. Crunkington returned home, he noticed sitting on the kitchen counter a copy of the DVD Clerks; a DVD memorializing the Pistons' 2004 NBA Championship season; a roll of quarters and a roll of nickels; and a Simpsons lithograph autographed by Matt Groening, Harry Shearer, and Yeardley Smith (voice of Lisa). He was later told that he stole each of these items from a party thrown by someone he'd never met before. He had no recollection of his actions, but put the lithograph up in his room, watched the Pistons DVD that day, and spent the $12 in change on booze and Hot Pockets later that day.- Jeremiah Crunkington would not share his ill-gotten Hot Pockets with me later that day, claiming "anything acquired by stealth of subterfuge is so much more satisfying."- When pressed to define "subterfuge," he balked. Finally, he defined it as "anything that happens when I'm blacked out."My friends, ladies and gentlemen.Wang

[ajs510]

Shimmering Wang, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 1:16 PM, said:

- When pressed to define "subterfuge," he balked. Finally, he defined it as "anything that happens when I'm blacked out."

This will be in someone's sig by the end of the day. Excellent story, I laughed, I cried, I hurled.

[keith crime]

are you leaving out the part where the McD customer who came in for a joint *** raped him?

[GrinderMJ]

Good to see you are friends with classless, alcoholic thiefs.

[Shimmering Wang]

GrinderMJ, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 1:51 PM, said:

Good to see you are friends with classless, alcoholic thiefs.

I quite honestly can't tell if you're being sarcastic or serious.I'll take the optimistic round and opt to believe you're genuinely glad for me. I know. I'm a very lucky man.Wang

[Suited_Up]

I'm personally a Brown out guy myself.I didn't read much further than that, but I feel ya.

[Don Giovanni]

took a nap in the hallway... thats impressive.

[kers2]

GrinderMJ, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 1:51 PM, said:

Good to see you are friends with classless, alcoholic thiefs.

You havent been to college yet. You will be too

[dEv~]

classic

[speedz99]

Quote

Undaunted by the public location of the classroom, he unsaddled his backpack and took a 30 minute nap. In the hallway. Of a major university. He's 23.

Fantastic.

Quote

Good to see you are friends with classless, alcoholic thiefs.

Hey...the guy may be classless and an alcoholic, but...uh...oh yeah.Whatever. Those are usually the best friends anyways. I feel bad for people that only hang out with dull shits whose best stories revolve around bible study and roller skating.

[tyfgine]

speedz99, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 11:49 AM, said:

Fantastic.Hey...the guy may be classless and an alcoholic, but...uh...oh yeah.Whatever. Those are usually the best friends anyways. I feel bad for people that only hang out with dull shits whose best stories revolve around bible study and roller skating.

What's wrong with roller skating?PS. Man, I miss college.

[speedz99]

tyfgine, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 11:57 AM, said:

What's wrong with roller skating?PS. Man, I miss college.

I also miss college. But I do have to say that living around college friends (even though it's only been a week) has helped.

[CobaltBlue]

Wang, I just looked through your blog. I hate this particular acronym, but my feelings can best be summed up with 'LOL'...except less tweenage-girl-giggly. Okay...there's a little of that. Seriously man, funny as hell. I'd comment on the blog itself, but I know you're afraid of getting the AIDS from anonymous posters.

[Shimmering Wang]

CobaltBlue, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 5:07 PM, said:

Wang, I just looked through your blog. I hate this particular acronym, but my feelings can best be summed up with 'LOL'...except less tweenage-girl-giggly. Okay...there's a little of that. Seriously man, funny as hell. I'd comment on the blog itself, but I know you're afraid of getting the AIDS from anonymous posters.

Will you please comment? My ego demands it.Actually, I like reading what people have to say about the stupid stuff I write, and if YOU comment, more people will feel more comfortable commenting.So: I hereby politely request that you comment at my blogsite. If you don't, I'll put a cigarette out on someone you love.Sorry, sorry. I take it back. Just comment, please? Anyone who reads and enjoys, please comment. Or hates. Wang

[CobaltBlue]

Shimmering Wang, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 4:12 PM, said:

Will you please comment?

See...the problem is that your blog gives me this..."This blog does not allow anonymous comments"I do not like this reply, because it implies that I must sign up for an account with a service that does not particularly appeal to me. It does seem to leave to door open that you're able to control whether anonymous people can comment.However if you're unable to do so and suggesting that I go through the motions of creating an account for the sole purpose of commenting on one blog...well...you'll owe me.

[Shimmering Wang]

CobaltBlue, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 5:28 PM, said:

See...the problem is that your blog gives me this..."This blog does not allow anonymous comments"I do not like this reply, because it implies that I must sign up for an account with a service that does not particularly appeal to me. It does seem to leave to door open that you're able to control whether anonymous people can comment.However if you're unable to do so and suggesting that I go through the motions of creating an account for the sole purpose of commenting on one blog...well...you'll owe me.

Damn. I didn't know that.Fixed.Anonymoose readers, comment away.Wang

[Dirtydutch]

I left you a comment. When is that high school paper story coming?

[CardWarfare]

Shimmering Wang, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 1:16 PM, said:

- When he returned to the house that night, he demanded that he be driven to McDonald's.

I dont know why but this had me laughing the hardest of any part of this story. nice work sir

[Shimmering Wang]

Dirtydutch, on Thursday, July 6th, 2006, 6:46 PM, said:

I left you a comment. When is that high school paper story coming?

I wrote it this morning because I was bored, but I figured I'd let the blog entry from this morning marinate a few more hours before I publish it. You know. So I don't seem like the huge loser I am.Wang

[CrackofmyACE]

This thread makes my eyes water with laughterNH's all around