Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I posted this in another topic about Barry Shulman's book 52 Tips for Texas Holdem Poker. The thread got moved deep into the bowels of this forum, and I wanted to share this with you guys. Anyway, here it is.Bill Brasky Presents: 52 Tips for Life and Poker (A Bill Brasky Production)52. Always leave the toilet seat up. Always.51. Porcupines are quite tasty once you get past the quills. 50. Jackets made with goose down will almost invariably make you look stupid.49. Card protectors are for stupid people. Use a chip.48. Recycling is for suckers. You'll be dead before you see any of the benefits.47. Mustard is for quitters.46. If the sound system in your car costs more than the car itself you should probably kill yourself.45. Pork is the most disgusting of all meats and will give you cancer.44. Never make lists that are more than seven numbers long. Nobody will read them.43. If you don't bet a medium strength hand on the river when there is a dangerous board and you are last to act you are a pansy and should be the object of ridicule at the table. 42. Coke is better than Pepsi. Anyone who says they can't taste the difference is a liar. (That one was for Norm even though he doesn't know who I am.)41. Pennies are useless and should be taken out of circulation. Round up or down. I don't care.40. At the grocery store, if you are given the option of either paper or plastic bags always choose plastic. 39. People like it when you are condescending.38. Just remember, everyone you meet is stupider than you.37. Gutshots are always money.36. Fold aces preflop.37. Coffee is an acceptable substitute for milk in a bowl of cereal.36. If life hands you lemons; quit.35. Softball is never cool. 34. Slow playing aces works 60% of the time every time.33. Roller blades are much cooler than roller skates, but they still make you look like a douchebag.32. Chip shuffling makes you a better player.31. Always make stacks of nineteen chips instead of twenty. This will confuse and disorient your opponents. +EV.30. Protein shakes will give you gas.29. Girls don't poop.28. The raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.27. I can see the flop before it comes out, and for only three low payments of $29.99 you can too!26. Barry Bonds has a huge head. Seriously, it's quite grotesque.25. Edgar A. Poe could whip Eminem's ass in a freestyle rap battle.24. Vienna Sausages are repugnant. Don't eat them.23. Bathe before you enter a casino. This is a serious one. Some of you guys smell awful. 22. Flathead screwdrivers are much more useful than Phillips head screwdrivers because a small flathead can still be used on a Phillips head screw. The reverse is not true.21. If you had $10 million you would dominate Andy Beal heads up. Variance shmariance.20. If you don't play outside your bankroll you aren't a real man. 19. Almost all girls find it highly arousing if you scream an obscenity at the top of your lungs when you ejaculate. 18. If you buy into a poker game with one dollar bills you shouldn't be playing.17. For her science project, a high school girl recently took samples from the water in the toilets of fast food restaurants and compared it with the ice from coke machine. Invariably, the toilet water was cleaner. Fast food for thought.16. Cell phones are just a fad; like the internet.15. The higher the limit you play the better the person you are. The same is true of post counts. 14. Most fat people don't have a glandular problem. They're just lazy.13. A stranger is just someone you haven't met. Tell your children this every time you leave them unsupervised.12. Better players get better cards.11. Before sex the vagina looks like a beautiful rose before it has blossomed. After sex it looks like a pit bull chewing on a marshmallow. (I didn't make that one up, but it's damn funny.)10. $3-$6 limit holdem at your local casino is the sport of kings.9. You shouldn't still be reading this.8. Watching the winter Olympics will take one month off the end of your life.7. Wearing sunglasses in a poorly lighted card room makes you look like a badass.6. If your post doesn't go through when you first hit the Submit button, keep hitting it until it works. 5. Most of the time a bad beat is the result of you misplaying the hand.4. Never buy single ply toilet paper. It's just not worth it no matter how much cheaper it is. 3. Folding preflop under the gun and then announcing to the entire table that nobody else could have made that laydown is +EV.2. You're always as good at poker as you think you are.1. Don't suck. Link to post Share on other sites
ShakeZuma 586 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Are people this slow at reading? REPLY FUCKFACES. #11 is definately my favorite. that thing is cute. Link to post Share on other sites
Dirtydutch 9 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Are people this slow at reading? REPLY FUCKFACES. #11 is definately my favorite. that thing is cute.LOL. Only 13 people have even looked at it so far. Don't worry about it. Apparently it isn't as funny as I thought. Meh. Link to post Share on other sites
ShakeZuma 586 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Nah, its just friday afternoon. Nobodys on here at times like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though.Their all mine except for 29 and 11. I saw 29 on a shirt once, and 11 was just a joke someone told me. Link to post Share on other sites
Dirtydutch 9 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though.Their all mine except for 29 and 11. I saw 29 on a shirt once, and 11 was just a joke someone told me."Coke is better than Pepsi. Anyone who says they can't taste the difference is a liar."Is my favorite. I wrote almost the same thing in a paper, once. Great minds think alike. Most of these are pretty funny. Link to post Share on other sites
babyangel 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Thats pretty damn funny. Pretty sure I laughed out loud, and am now getting written up now. Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Take it from a man who makes lists constantly, and claims at least half are humorous: that was probably hard to do.Out of a possible 10 points, I award you 7.2. This is much better than it sounds, considering I give the movie "Taxi" a 0.001.Wang Link to post Share on other sites
7upncider 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 11 was pretty funny Link to post Share on other sites
ShakeZuma 586 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 21. If you had $10 million you would dominate Andy Beal heads up. Variance shmariance. I love this. Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbes 1 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 47. Mustard is for quitters.44. Never make lists that are more than seven numbers long. Nobody will read them.31. Always make stacks of nineteen chips instead of twenty. This will confuse and disorient your opponents. +EV.28. The raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.14. Most fat people don't have a glandular problem. They're just lazy.9. You shouldn't still be reading this.This is my third attempt at replying to this...it keeps crashing on me. Anyway, I thought it was an excellent list; these lines in particular really amused me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Take it from a man who makes lists constantly, and claims at least half are humorous: that was probably hard to do.Out of a possible 10 points, I award you 7.2. Â This is much better than it sounds, considering I give the movie "Taxi" a 0.001.WangC-, eh? I'll take it! Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 The Raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.I missed that the first time around. You're up near an 8, now.Awesome.Wang Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityCubed 0 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 4. Never buy single ply toilet paper. It's just not worth it no matter how much cheaper it is.Sound fucking advice. Why is it that every elementary/high school on the planet feels the need to torture the sphincters and hands of all children? Ever tried to wipe a whiskey shit with single ply? I think I'd rather use the toilet brush. Link to post Share on other sites
dEv~ 19 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 34. Slow playing aces works 60% of the time every time.that doesn't even make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
PokerZealot 0 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 9. You shouldn't still be reading this.this was the only one that is true Link to post Share on other sites
avsfan 0 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.fyp Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.fypAgree Link to post Share on other sites
Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.fypAgreeI just can't stand the taste of any pig meat. I'm not sure why, but I just find it all disgusting. Meh. Link to post Share on other sites
Wingmaster05 0 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 4. Never buy single ply toilet paper. It's just not worth it no matter how much cheaper it is.Sound fucking advice. Why is it that every elementary/high school on the planet feels the need to torture the sphincters and hands of all children? Ever tried to wipe a whiskey shit with single ply? I think I'd rather use the toilet brush.i was about to reply but you took my words. this list is better than at first glance, mainly because the attention span of most people on a forum is 20 seconds. Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.fypAgreeI just can't stand the taste of any pig meat. I'm not sure why, but I just find it all disgusting. Meh.Bacon is a top 2 food Link to post Share on other sites
digitalmonkey 929 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.fypAgreeI just can't stand the taste of any pig meat. I'm not sure why, but I just find it all disgusting. Meh.I think it has something to do with eating your own kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill_Brasky 0 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 I think it has something to do with eating your own kind.Very clever. I see what you've done here. Very smooth. You should be proud of yourself. Seriously, I never saw that one coming. I was just sitting here and then ZING! You really burned me good there. It was eloquent and it cut to the very core of my being. I'm gonna go cry in my closet now. Link to post Share on other sites
avsfan 0 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Dude! Pigs are like one of the smartest animals. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now