29 replies to this topic

[Bill_Brasky]

I posted this in another topic about Barry Shulman's book 52 Tips for Texas Holdem Poker. The thread got moved deep into the bowels of this forum, and I wanted to share this with you guys. Anyway, here it is.

Bill Brasky Presents: 52 Tips for Life and Poker (A Bill Brasky Production)

52. Always leave the toilet seat up. Always.

51. Porcupines are quite tasty once you get past the quills.

50. Jackets made with goose down will almost invariably make you look stupid.

49. Card protectors are for stupid people. Use a chip.

48. Recycling is for suckers. You'll be dead before you see any of the benefits.

47. Mustard is for quitters.

46. If the sound system in your car costs more than the car itself you should probably kill yourself.

45. Pork is the most disgusting of all meats and will give you cancer.

44. Never make lists that are more than seven numbers long. Nobody will read them.

43. If you don't bet a medium strength hand on the river when there is a dangerous board and you are last to act you are a pansy and should be the object of ridicule at the table.

42. Coke is better than Pepsi. Anyone who says they can't taste the difference is a liar. (That one was for Norm even though he doesn't know who I am.)

41. Pennies are useless and should be taken out of circulation. Round up or down. I don't care.

40. At the grocery store, if you are given the option of either paper or plastic bags always choose plastic.

39. People like it when you are condescending.

38. Just remember, everyone you meet is stupider than you.

37. Gutshots are always money.

36. Fold aces preflop.

37. Coffee is an acceptable substitute for milk in a bowl of cereal.

36. If life hands you lemons; quit.

35. Softball is never cool.

34. Slow playing aces works 60% of the time every time.

33. Roller blades are much cooler than roller skates, but they still make you look like a douchebag.

32. Chip shuffling makes you a better player.

31. Always make stacks of nineteen chips instead of twenty. This will confuse and disorient your opponents. +EV.

30. Protein shakes will give you gas.

29. Girls don't poop.

28. The raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.

27. I can see the flop before it comes out, and for only three low payments of $29.99 you can too!

26. Barry Bonds has a huge head. Seriously, it's quite grotesque.

25. Edgar A. Poe could whip Eminem's ass in a freestyle rap battle.

24. Vienna Sausages are repugnant. Don't eat them.

23. Bathe before you enter a casino. This is a serious one. Some of you guys smell awful.

22. Flathead screwdrivers are much more useful than Phillips head screwdrivers because a small flathead can still be used on a Phillips head screw. The reverse is not true.

21. If you had $10 million you would dominate Andy Beal heads up. Variance shmariance.

20. If you don't play outside your bankroll you aren't a real man.

19. Almost all girls find it highly arousing if you scream an obscenity at the top of your lungs when you ejaculate.

18. If you buy into a poker game with one dollar bills you shouldn't be playing.

17. For her science project, a high school girl recently took samples from the water in the toilets of fast food restaurants and compared it with the ice from coke machine. Invariably, the toilet water was cleaner. Fast food for thought.

16. Cell phones are just a fad; like the internet.

15. The higher the limit you play the better the person you are. The same is true of post counts.

14. Most fat people don't have a glandular problem. They're just lazy.

13. A stranger is just someone you haven't met. Tell your children this every time you leave them unsupervised.

12. Better players get better cards.

11. Before sex the vagina looks like a beautiful rose before it has blossomed. After sex it looks like a pit bull chewing on a marshmallow. (I didn't make that one up, but it's damn funny.)

10. $3-$6 limit holdem at your local casino is the sport of kings.

9. You shouldn't still be reading this.

8. Watching the winter Olympics will take one month off the end of your life.

7. Wearing sunglasses in a poorly lighted card room makes you look like a badass.

6. If your post doesn't go through when you first hit the Submit button, keep hitting it until it works.

5. Most of the time a bad beat is the result of you misplaying the hand.

4. Never buy single ply toilet paper. It's just not worth it no matter how much cheaper it is.

3. Folding preflop under the gun and then announcing to the entire table that nobody else could have made that laydown is +EV.

2. You're always as good at poker as you think you are.

1. Don't suck.

[ShakeZuma]

Are people this slow at reading? REPLY FUCKFACES.

#11 is definately my favorite. that thing is cute.

[Dirtydutch]

If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though.

[Bill_Brasky]

Are people this slow at reading? REPLY FUCKFACES.

#11 is definately my favorite. that thing is cute.

LOL. Only 13 people have even looked at it so far. Don't worry about it. Apparently it isn't as funny as I thought. Meh.

[ShakeZuma]

Nah, its just friday afternoon. Nobodys on here at times like this.

[Bill_Brasky]

If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though.

Their all mine except for 29 and 11. I saw 29 on a shirt once, and 11 was just a joke someone told me.

[Dirtydutch]

If you came up with ALL of those, it was pretty funny. These lists are ALWAYS ripped, though.

Their all mine except for 29 and 11. I saw 29 on a shirt once, and 11 was just a joke someone told me.

"Coke is better than Pepsi. Anyone who says they can't taste the difference is a liar."

Is my favorite. I wrote almost the same thing in a paper, once. Great minds think alike. Most of these are pretty funny.

[babyangel]

Thats pretty damn funny. Pretty sure I laughed out loud, and am now getting written up now.

[Shimmering Wang]

Take it from a man who makes lists constantly, and claims at least half are humorous: that was probably hard to do.

Out of a possible 10 points, I award you 7.2. This is much better than it sounds, considering I give the movie "Taxi" a 0.001.


Wang

[7upncider]

11 was pretty funny

[ShakeZuma]

21. If you had $10 million you would dominate Andy Beal heads up. Variance shmariance.

I love this.

[Hobbes]

47. Mustard is for quitters.

44. Never make lists that are more than seven numbers long. Nobody will read them.

31. Always make stacks of nineteen chips instead of twenty. This will confuse and disorient your opponents. +EV.

28. The raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.

14. Most fat people don't have a glandular problem. They're just lazy.

9. You shouldn't still be reading this.

This is my third attempt at replying to this...it keeps crashing on me. Anyway, I thought it was an excellent list; these lines in particular really amused me.

[Bill_Brasky]

Take it from a man who makes lists constantly, and claims at least half are humorous: that was probably hard to do.

Out of a possible 10 points, I award you 7.2.  This is much better than it sounds, considering I give the movie "Taxi" a 0.001.


Wang

C-, eh? I'll take it!

[Shimmering Wang]

The Raccoon is the greatest mammal of all time.

I missed that the first time around. You're up near an 8, now.


Awesome.

Wang

[InsanityCubed]

4. Never buy single ply toilet paper. It's just not worth it no matter how much cheaper it is.

Sound fucking advice. Why is it that every elementary/high school on the planet feels the need to torture the sphincters and hands of all children? Ever tried to wipe a whiskey shit with single ply? I think I'd rather use the toilet brush.

[dEv~]

34. Slow playing aces works 60% of the time every time.

that doesn't even make sense.

[PokerZealot]

9. You shouldn't still be reading this.

this was the only one that is true

[avsfan]

45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.

fyp

[Shimmering Wang]

45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.

fyp

Agree

[Bill_Brasky]

45. Pork is the most magical of all meats and will give you super powers.

fyp

Agree

I just can't stand the taste of any pig meat. I'm not sure why, but I just find it all disgusting. Meh.