the keith crime commission

The Keith Crime CommissionJanuary 1, 2006: First Column of the new eraI honestly think that given the chance, I could be as good a columnist as anyone who has ever lived. That’s not very likely to happen, but really what’s the point in trying if you aren’t aiming for the top? For as the amazing Michael Pare said in the epic Eddie and the Cruisers, “If we can’t be great then there’s no sense of ever playing music again.” Even Ed Wood did his best to be Orson Welles. Let’s just pray to God that I am not as misguided about the level of my talent as he was.Apparently, I missed the whole blog thing by being way in front of it. I had a web site, but I couldn’t even figure out the right way to make it come up on search engines, despite my willingness to part with my hard earned cash. The demise of my first real column, The Felicity Commission, which had maybe 50 or so die hard readers, was pretty much all my fault. 1.) The show Felicity got canceled2.) Confining your writing to the readers of internet groups that watched a really low rated television show not on a major network is probably not nearly as good a marketing plan as the one Ray Kroc had. Anyone, who knows me knows that I am clueless about how to market myself. I did really well in school, but there is no way I’d ever be capable of flying over to Iraq, like that 15 year old kid did. I wouldn’t have even figured out how to get a passport, before the feeling passed. So anyway at the risk of becoming completely ignored or at best the next John Kennedy Toole (my mother is currently hawking my material as we speak just like his), I am two weeks past 40 and here is my first column of the new era. I’m doubting it will be good enough for anyone to remark the start of time with (you know like they did with Jesus), but for me this is day one.By the way, Keith Crime is the cool punk name I gave myself sort of like Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious. I had thought about Vivian Death until a friend pointed out the initials probably wouldn’t be very good for my sex life. So, when I write I’m Keith Crime. It may not be as good a pseudonym as Mark Twain or Fats Domino, but I think it’s definitely better and more original than Chubby Checker. Hackneyed – Good?So, clearly, it being New Years Day, I should avoid the column every two bit, trite, hackneyed, columnist uses to get out of doing his job on this day. Or? Or I could go the other way and drive right down the center of the highway and see if I can pull off making the same, trite, hackneyed, been done a million times subject new and funny again. I’m guessing no, but … My New Year’s ResolutionI spent New Year’s Eve talking to a bunch of 25 year old girls, most of whom were idealistic teachers or social workers. Since I moved to Chicago, I’ve sort of been adopted by one of my co-workers, and she always invites me to her parties. I feel pretty good about getting out and being invited to a party, but really mostly it just makes me feel old. I couldn’t really pull of macking on 25 year olds very well, when I was 25, and I have yet to become Jack Nicholson, so there’s no way I could pull anything off at one of these parties at 40. That’s probably the truth, but if I meet you in person, I’m going to tell you that I don’t feel that I could ever really fall in love with someone that much younger than me. I’ll look very sincere and do my best to make you feel really sorry about how a romantic soul, such as myself, has so viciously wound up alone at 40.When I was a kid, forget that when anyone is a kid, they look at adults as the very definition of compromise and vow never to be like them. You know that Pete Townshend ditty, My Generation, that went “Hope, I die before I get old.” Now that I’ve been around for a few years and completely had my ass kicked by life on numerous occasions, I don’t feel like a sell out, but I do understand the part of William Wharton’s Birdy, where a wrestler having been ravaged by the Viet Nam War admits that he is no longer looking to pin life, but just trying to survive it with perhaps a little dignity in tact, and yes, I just self pityingly compared my life to someone ravaged by the Viet Nam War, because really being exposed to Agent Orange and not having your life turn out exactly how you wanted it to is really basically the same thing, isn’t it?Nevertheless, keeping this in mind, I’ve decided to make my New Year’s Resolution something reasonable, something I have maybe a 50-50 shot at living up to. My pledge last year to end global terror was a complete failure and I’m not letting my eyes get too big for my stomach this year. My New Year’s resolution this year is not to die. I feel this is somewhat achievable. See most people say they are going to quit smoking and then fail on like the third day. With my resolution, quitting smoking would probably help me achieve my goal, but I’m overconfident enough at this point that I’m not really even considering it. There are a lot more good things about my New Year’s Resolution:1.) I can’t really achieve it until the end of the year. If I chose to climb Mount Everest wearing a Ronald McDonald costume, that resolution could be completed by at least mid-May, and then what would I have to do?2.) I will be essentially doing my best to live up to this resolution every single waking moment of the year!3.) If I fail, I don’t see myself feeling a ton of guilt over my failure. The only thing that scares me of course, is that seemingly one of the best ways of winding up dead is to joke about dying. Admit it, you’ve all read at least 10 Biographies … Let me word this better. You’ve all seen at least 10 shows on the Biography Network, where someone made an odd reference or sly turn of phrase about dying and then kicked like 4 days later. It is my sincere hope that this happened merely because those people were always making jokes about dying, and that I haven’t forever sealed my fate. See, I’m risking my very life to make my New Year’s wish come through. I dare you to tell me that you are doing more than me because you’ve decided to start jogging three hours every morning before work. The eeriest bit of non-plagiarism ever I always think I’ve been plagiarized despite the fact that having an audience of like 50 people really limits others’ ability to plagiarize you. I wrote the following about a month and a half ago in a piece no one has really seen about Paul McCartney’s new marriage. There was an episode of the brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David was hesitant to commit to his wife for eternity. I wouldn’t and I’m a true believer in love. I have to believe that if there’s a heaven, we revert to a state of ourselves at our most beautiful. Kids who died suddenly become the greatest potential of themselves. You mean I suddenly get to hit on Marilyn Monroe at my best and you want me to commit to some chick I met in Akron after I lost my hair? Not likely.In the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David dies, goes to heaven, gets his hair back and finds out that Marilyn Monroe has a crush on him. It first aired about a month ago. It isn’t really that original, but wow, I even referenced the exact show that staged my little scenario. Can anyone else tell why I think God is just a guy somewhere messing with my life for his own self amusement?The Nonpareil Brilliance of Paris HiltonLook I’m not out to argue that there haven’t been greater success stories in the world. Paris Hilton isn’t Jesus. She was born with a lot more money than him, but if you grant him the whole son of God thing, then really is it that amazing that he reached the heights that he did? Albert Einstein, Jonas Salk, Mozart, Wagner those dudes were really really smart. If I was born with Mozart’s musical talent, I’m pretty sure that I’d sell at least as many records as John Tesh. Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Sharon Stone these were some really hot women. If I looked like Grace Kelly, I may not have married a Prince, but I’m guessing I’d be hooked up with at least a pretty rich plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. Paris Hilton would probably have been like the tenth hottest girl in your high school. I’m guessing that if Paris Hilton ever took the SAT’s, she would be hard pressed to match the score of a single College Basketball player made to sit out their freshman year because of Proposition 48.Sure, she has a name and her parents are wealthy. So did those Kennedy kids who were out drunkenly playing football on skis on a regular basis. If I were Paris Hilton, I wouldn’t have even gone to college. I’d be living it up like Jude Law in the Talented Mr. Ripley. And yet, here is a girl who recognized her talents and used them to the fullest. She literally one day may make as much money for just being herself as the Olson Twins have, and she was never on a really crappy sit-com when she was really cute. We’ve talked about her liabilities. If she had a good guidance counselor, her session would have gone like this.GC: Paris, what would you say your assets are?Paris: Well, I’m vapid in that way all guys like. I’m obsessed with material goods. I’m rich but I’d much rather be famous. I love seeing myself in the mirror, in photos, on television, on video tape, on DVD, penciled by Leonardo DiCaprio on a cruise ship. I really like to party and I’m willing to be as trashy as it takes to get what I want.GC: We can work with that!Look it’s forever astounded me the amount of money semi-famous people get paid to give a speech at some dinner. Bill Clinton probably gets 100 Grand an appearance. But again, Rhodes Scholar and former President. Paris Hilton can not spell Rhodes Scholarship and she gets 20 K to show up at a party and doesn’t even have to give a speech. This reminds me of one of my favorite examples of beauty over brains in the USA. Tabitha Soren MTV’s cute newswoman on the Clinton beat hears Bill say how much he likes Thelonius Monk and walks over to a friend and asks “Who is The Loneliest Monk?” I’ve even thought about naming a band that.Please give Paris her props and be glad that unlike the doomed Dana Plato she hasn’t reproduced, or prompted someone to make a phone call to the police telling them that the girl who played Kimberly on Different Strokes just robbed her video store.Why me and my Latin teacher had problemsTeacher: Today, we will be studying PlatoMe: Dana? Back from dreaming for a day and a halfIt’s Monday afternoon now, I’ve just slept off New Year’s Ever for like a day and a half. The only thing I did on New Year’s was buy cat food because Bailey kept looking at me like a heroin addict about to lose it. I had some funky dreams, which is weird because supposedly I have sleep apnea and don’t get any REM sleep at all. The oddest thing about my dreams is that in a lot of them I’m really good at rollerblading. I’m rollerblading everywhere, which is weird because I can barely rollerblade and the last time I rollerbladed was like 8 years ago in Golden Gate park on a date and I was so out of shape that after fifteen minutes I was exhausted and begged off and moved us into the Aquarium. I have no idea what this says about me. The dream I just had was sort of like a nightmare of all my most liberal leanings. For some reason, I’m at my grandparent’s old house and I’ve volunteered to escort some high school kids to some sort of play or something. A bus of like 80 out of control youth and their wildly liberal teachers come over. They come into the house and basically just start inhabiting it as if they own it. They are grabbing food. They make themselves at home and start watching TV. They smoke all my cigarettes. As I’m getting ready, in my bedroom, a naked teen girl leads two guys smoking marijuana into my room and tells me that they need to use my bed. She has this note that says she was caught having sex in public and that as a result she has been ordered to carry at least three state issued condemns at all times. In the dream, I totally lost it and start lecturing the kids. For some reason, after I woke up, I sort of felt like I should have just gone with it and enjoyed the carnality. Apparently, I’m much more conservative when I’m asleep. Either that or I fell asleep with Rush Limbaugh on or something. Here’s DaveWas just thinking about David Letterman for some reason. When I was in high school, I used to tape his show and watch it during school. You see most days at school my mother would call in and say that I wasn’t feeling well and would be late. I would then take a bus that would get me to school about two hours late, which in no way meant that I then proceeded to go to school. Usually, I hung out all day in the AV room, which was basically a closet, and watch videos. Then right before the last class of the day (well for me it was study hall), I would sign in as present, which got me credit for a half day of attendance (the front office knew nothing about fractions). Then I would go to study hall, which for me took place in the AV room, because supposedly as a member of the National Honors Society I was tutoring others during my study hall. Sometimes when I was only sort of there, I would even hang out with teachers. I’d go to the English Office and chat, sometimes with the teacher, whose class I was about a half an hour away from blowing off. I tell you, minus Mia Sara, I totally owned Ferris Beullar. We only had a few videos. So other than when I would bring in a Letterman, it meant another viewing of either Stripes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Deep Throat. With today’s technology, it’s got to be really scary what the inspired young high school kid could be into as we speak.Dave was the coolest before he didn’t get the Tonight Show gig. After that he became all about, “I’ve thought a lot about what I need to do to get ratings in an earlier time slot, and I can make those adjustments.” Before that he was on so late that no one really cared what he did. No one was expected to watch and it was when almost no one had cable so about a third of the television viewers would have been willing to watch a test pattern. Most of the time Letterman just reveled in getting away with doing really inane stuff on television. “Look at me, technology has given me a tool in which I can reach and influence millions of people for the better. Let’s spend ten minutes showing me toss pencils out my fake window!” I remember shows that were shown upside down, a show where all the usual nice furniture had been replaced with really tacky lawn furniture, he was completely out of control and it was brilliant and liberating. My favorite all time show was one where he didn’t show up because he was at home waiting for a man to come and install his cable television. They showed him at home playing with his dogs for like ten minutes and then Charles Grodin came out and pretended to be irritated because he was sitting across from an empty desk, while he was being interviewed. He was also a complete ass in those days. Celebrities that didn’t get the joke avoided him because they didn’t want to look stupid on television. Even the ones that got it looked kind of stupid. He once made Teri Garr go into his office and take a shower. Sandra Berhardt would go on and pretend she was dying for Dave to **** her right there on the desk. Jay Leno would come on and be edgy and funny!!! Wow, the world sure has changed. The only time I ever saw Letterman completely speechless was the first time he had Cher on. He kept harping at her about why she had avoided his show for so long and she finally said, “because I’ve always thought you were an *******!” He was totally shocked, and even, I think, felt bad like wow maybe I am an *******. He was as out of it for the next ten minutes as Farrah Fawcett was that one time she showed up for the show having taken every single drug ever invented. And yet of course, that isn’t my favorite Farrah late night appearance. That would be when she was on Conan O’Brian. First he begged her to sit on a motorcycle with him and then he begged her for like three minutes to star in a Charlie’s Angels reunion. She finally asked Conan what would be the point what would they do that would be interesting, and Conan, totally crushed said “What are you talking about, you’d get together and fight crime!” Speaking of which, and this is really pathetic. When I was in Los Angeles, I was bowling with some people and this really pretty girl basically begged me to ask her out. So I took her out on this really cool date to see Jon Brion. Tom Petty was in the audience. She was really into George Michael and Charlie’s Angels (this was before the movie came out). Thinking that the date had gone fabulously, I went out and spent like 100 bucks on an original Charlie’s Angels toy van still in the packaging as a gift. Then she blew me off, because I don’t think she had realized that I was as old as I really was. I still have that thing. In fact, it’s still in the trunk of my car, packed away in a box. I have no idea if its value has gone up or down. Maybe I should put it up on E-Bay. Oh, well where we were? Anyway, Dave didn’t get the Tonight Show, basically because of his outrageousness, and the perception (possibly false) that Jay Leno was more willing to sell out and appeal to 80 year olds in Rhode Island, and disappointed Dave decided to try to compete for that audience too. It’s like a genius Rock and Roll guitarist, who is suddenly told that he is nothing because he doesn’t play classical music, so he goes off and writes a really bad Sonata, when the real answer should have been “I’d like to see Leonard Bernstein shred like this!” The complete end for me came when he censored Bill Hicks. Hicks did tons of material about how his friend Jay Leno had sold out, and hated the show so much he wouldn’t do Leno. He loved Letterman, but every time he came on that show, he had to dance around the censors. They actually wouldn’t let him do a joke about accidentally blinding a kid in elementary school with a pencil. So he went on the show and did a bunch of clean, not really even offensive jokes about religion, abortion, the controversy over homosexual children’s books. The whole set was approved and then the show balked and cut it out. They promised to send Hicks a copy of the performance and didn’t even do that. If Madonna had gone on the old late night NBC Letterman show and started swearing Dave would have been in rapture. When it happened at 11:45, he almost had a conniption fit. Wasn’t I just talking about the compromises of adulthood. I guess Spinal Tap was right. “The proper time to sell out is the first time someone offers you something.” The Rebellion of the JediOne of my favorite quotes ever was at the end of Alex Haley’s Roots where he says that the reason he wrote the book was his “hope that this story of our people can help to alleviate the legacies of the fact that preponderantly the histories have been written by the winners.” On my 40th birthday, I was at a party and I met these two guys from Virginia. I told them that I had been there once for a friends’ wedding and was shocked that everyone down there is still talking about the Civil War and this was way before the whole Ken Burns thing. No one in Ohio ever talks about the Civil War. They agreed and shocked me when they told me that in the South it isn’t called the Civil War, that they actually teach kids in schools that the proper name is The War of Northern Aggression. I can’t tell you how much this still blows my mind. Anyway, a couple days ago I was watching Revenge of the Sith, and I was thinking that you could make a pretty decent movie from the Sith side of things. Lucas’ version just seems like a really biased propaganda film. I’m guessing it wasn’t so black and white (Darth vs. Luke). Who would be so evil as to call their religion the dark side. I tend to doubt that that really ever happened. Plus the Jedi were a bunch of uptight asses. Samuel S. Jackson acts like the most arrogant father of all time. You’re telling me that dude was scared to death and had a personal crisis over having to tell the Jedi that he had slept with and married Natalie Portman? What’s with the little kids? Were these Jedi nothing but a bunch of pedophiles? Remember when they brought Anakin back and they told him he was too old for training. This is really creeping me out. I’m guessing we haven’t heard the whole story. Having degenerated down to Star Wars dork. I bid you adieu.

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