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#1 GeneralGeeWhiz

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 02:27 AM

I've never been able to put into words how I feel about religion, but george carlin nails it perfectly. I don't mean to be insulting, but this is how i feel. enjoy.When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is ****ed up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever **** things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to **** that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and **** up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't **** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that ********** out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

#2 Spademan

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 02:50 AM

It loses quite a bit without the timing, inflection and histrionics inherent in the actual act.Plus, George Carlin is dead, so it appears god beat him.
'"Luck" is people taking the laws of probability personally, it is the excitement of bad math.'

#3 Sick Boy

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 03:04 AM

There is no more evidence supporting the existence of god than there is supporting the existence of Zeus. 1000 years from now kids are gonna be studying this silly relegion just like they study Greek and Roman theology. They'll be studying it along with our social structures, our politics and our technologies and they'll all be bored as fuck, thinking to themselves, "Man what a wierd civilisation."

#4 ajs510

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 05:01 AM

View PostSick Boy, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 7:04 AM, said:

There is no more evidence supporting the existence of god than there is supporting the existence of Zeus. 1000 years from now kids are gonna be studying this silly relegion just like they study Greek and Roman theology. They'll be studying it along with our social structures, our politics and our technologies and they'll all be bored as fuck, thinking to themselves, "Man what a wierd civilisation."
I think the above is correct, I just hope 1000 years from now people aren't talking about L. Ron Hubbard and his disciples Tom Cruise and John Travolta the way they talk nowadays about Jesus Christ, Peter and Paul.

#5 SBriand

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 08:38 AM

View PostSick Boy, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 7:04 AM, said:

They'll be studying it along with our social structures, our politics and our technologies and they'll all be bored as fuck, thinking to themselves, "Man what a wierd civilisation."
The teacher should spend more time with spelling exercises.
QUOTE (digitalmonkey @ Wednesday, August 18th, 2010, 1:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
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#6 Mercury69

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 09:10 AM

Replying to George Carlin...^^^...as if He wrote the thread. Wait...did I capitalize "He"? Whoopsy! I guess George reali IS God!And, true, religion is a lot of things, most of them bullshit and hard to believe. I wish people believed in Spirituality instead. There's an ambiguity about "Spirituality" that has a lot to offer. Things like...acceptance of other people's beliefs without judgement...that we are all human and aspire to similar things: food to eat, clothing to wear, roof over our heads and (for the most part, my girlfriend excepted among others) development of a family, assuming we are speaking of humans and not pets.If there really is a "God", then he is one sick fucker.
"We had all the momentum. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark, that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back." —Raoul Duke, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

"Those are brave men knocking at the door. Let's go and kill them!" - Tyrion Lannister

#7 Sick Boy

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 12:17 PM

View Postajs510, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 5:01 AM, said:

I think the above is correct, I just hope 1000 years from now people aren't talking about L. Ron Hubbard and his disciples Tom Cruise and John Travolta the way they talk nowadays about Jesus Christ, Peter and Paul.
Of course they will, all the celebraties and politicians. George Bush, Obama, Mandela, Michael Jackson, they're all gonna be the King Priams, Odysesus', Achilles and the Socretes of the future. People are gonna look back and study this stuff. We are not the pinicle of man kind, other shit is still gonna go down, other civilisations will be built, new relegions will be created and will replace the current ones, new social structures and ideas and new forms of politics will arrive. I think we are just to full of ourselves, like we are the pinicle of civilisation or something give me a fcking break. What do you think all the ancient civilisations thought? Look at them now.

#8 SBriand

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 12:57 PM

View PostSick Boy, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 4:17 PM, said:

Of course they will, all the celebraties and politicians. George Bush, Obama, Mandela, Michael Jackson, they're all gonna be the King Priams, Odysesus', Achilles and the Socretes of the future. People are gonna look back and study this stuff. We are not the pinicle of man kind, other shit is still gonna go down, other civilisations will be built, new relegions will be created and will replace the current ones, new social structures and ideas and new forms of politics will arrive. I think we are just to full of ourselves, like we are the pinicle of civilisation or something give me a fcking break. What do you think all the ancient civilisations thought? Look at them now.
I always generally tend to think most spelling errors are just typo's. But in both posts in this topic you have spelled civilizations, pinnacle, and religion wrong the same way each time you posted the words. That is just, well a little pathetic. As I stated in the other thread where you called some users wife a bitch, you are the male equivalent of Rose.
QUOTE (digitalmonkey @ Wednesday, August 18th, 2010, 1:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
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#9 crowTrobot

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 01:07 PM

View PostMercury69, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 10:10 AM, said:

I wish people believed in Spirituality instead. There's an ambiguity about "Spirituality" that has a lot to offer.
ambiguity has a lot to offer? maybe if you're trying to get away with BS of some kind.

Quote

Things like...acceptance of other people's beliefs without judgement...
that would lead to anarchy and chaos, and possibly the end of the human race. good thing it could never happen.

Quote

that we are all human and aspire to similar things: food to eat, clothing to wear, roof over our heads and (for the most part, my girlfriend excepted among others) development of a family
that's profound : ) not sure what it has to do with ambiguous spirituality though.

#10 Mercury69

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 01:20 PM

View PostcrowTrobot, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 5:07 PM, said:

ambiguity has a lot to offer? maybe if you're trying to get away with BS of some kind.that would lead to anarchy and chaos, and possibly the end of the human race. good thing it could never happen.that's profound : ) not sure what it has to do with ambiguous spirituality though.
Too much definition leads to conflict, in some ways imo.I never meant to suggest that Spirituality was bereft of the ability to have a political system.My concept of Spirituality is, as I may have said in other posts, we are all "God" or part thereof, otherwise, why would we all be here together on this planet? And if you look closer, most religions reveal many similarities, differing mainly in their nomenclature. Inherent;y, we are all little motes floating around, each of us with our own central destiny that, hopefully, doesn't lead to our mutual destruction (although some have tried and that is mainly due to their false perception that, say, Jews are inferior and a blight and must be exterminated, which is faulty reasoning and it makes me sick that someone could think that). I don't know...I think there is a place for all beliefs, provided there is acceptance rather than persecution. In some ways, I am an optomistic simpleton.
"We had all the momentum. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark, that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back." —Raoul Duke, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

"Those are brave men knocking at the door. Let's go and kill them!" - Tyrion Lannister

#11 GeneralGeeWhiz

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Posted 11 September 2009 - 12:07 PM

here is the video of the skit. starts at around 51:40 NSFWhttp://video.google....46848311681223#

#12 Spademan

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 04:51 AM

View PostMercury69, on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009, 3:20 PM, said:

I don't know...I think there is a place for all beliefs, provided there is acceptance rather than persecution. In some ways, I am an optomistic simpleton.
On point one: no.On point two: yes.
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#13 speedz99

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 07:52 PM

View PostGeneralGeeWhiz, on Friday, September 11th, 2009, 1:07 PM, said:

here is the video of the skit. starts at around 51:40 NSFWhttp://video.google....46848311681223#
I really love that clip. You've got to wonder if any religious person has ever watched it and been like, "Yeah, this is ridiculous."
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#14 Mercury69

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Posted 16 September 2009 - 09:55 AM

View PostSpademan, on Sunday, September 13th, 2009, 8:51 AM, said:

On point one: no.On point two: yes.
I'm betting your penis is smaller than you claim.
"We had all the momentum. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark, that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back." —Raoul Duke, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

"Those are brave men knocking at the door. Let's go and kill them!" - Tyrion Lannister

#15 brvheart

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Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:39 PM

View Postspeedz99, on Sunday, September 13th, 2009, 10:52 PM, said:

I really love that clip. You've got to wonder if any religious person has ever watched it and been like, "Yeah, this is ridiculous."
That depends on your definition of religious. I would say that there have been 1000's or even tens of 1,000's of people that have specifically stopped identifying themselves with a religion and instead have started to proclaim their atheism as a direct result of George Carlin. I personally don't really care for 'religious' people. What's the point (of religiosity)?
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View PostSuitedAces21, on 20 August 2012 - 11:14 AM, said:

tilt you suck.

View PostEssay21, on 25 February 2013 - 08:32 PM, said:

titly suck a dick bitch

#16 Spademan

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Posted 16 September 2009 - 06:42 PM

View PostMercury69, on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009, 11:55 AM, said:

I'm betting your penis is smaller than you claim.
That depends of what I've claimed.If I've claimed two feet long, you'd win that bet.Can you be more specific, because there is nothing I love more than discussing my penis with people who, from time to time, have my penis on their mind.
'"Luck" is people taking the laws of probability personally, it is the excitement of bad math.'

#17 Lucky777

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Posted 30 September 2009 - 09:02 AM

I love this bit from George Carlin. I myself was raised Catholic. But once I grew up and gained conscience enough to think for myself, I threw religion out the window. I do not believe in it. When you think about it, religion plays a pretty large part in dividing our race and causing war. I also think that it's needed just to keep people in check (through fear and hope). Anyways, George Carlin hit this right on the head for me.




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