Elite Studios Promotional Trip Story

This story happened a couple years ago, I think I was 17, not sure.

Promotional Trip Story

I work for a company called Elite Studios. They're multi-media company based in New Ulm, Minnesota, and they will be hosting a fundraising concert in New Ulm on December 17th. Being the dependable, hardworking type that I am, I organized a trip to hand out flyers and spread the word of the concert. The trip was supposed to go as follows:
25th-(Fri.) Alexandria (stay with Jamie B.)
26th-(Sat.) St. Cloud (stay with Joe Dubbs)
27th-(Sun.) Sartell (Joe again)
I planned on handing out flyers at the Alexandria “mall”, St. Cloud mall and SCSU (St.Cloud State University). My objectives were to:
1. Make sure I hand out enough flyers and let people know of the show.
2. Get excessively drunk at some party
3. Hook up with at least one girl.
My objectives were within reason, my wallet was full, and my cell phone was charged. The story goes as follows…

Note: (For this trip I brought a brand new digital voice recorder, so I could remember everything that happened and write about it later.)

Thursday
The trip actually starts on Thanksgiving, the day before scheduled. After my aunt fails to create a big scene at dinner like she always does, I go home disappointed. She always makes Thanksgiving interesting with her alcoholism and sad, pathetic life. Not this year, though. Ryan must be down on his luck. Little did I know that ‘down on my luck, would be a precursor to the whole trip.
At home, I go to my computer and sign onto MSN. Jamie quickly sends me a message saying his Thanksgiving sucks and that I should come down a day early. What can I say? My Thanksgiving wasn't all that great either, at least now it could top off with a good night. I agreed to leave a day early.
On my way to Alexandria, I called up one of my ex-girlfriends, Jessica. She and I talked about hanging out on this trip and it was agreed that we would. She was supposed to meet me at Taco Johns at 7:30pm. I arrived at 7:34pm to find an empty parking lot, damnit. So much for getting goals two and three accomplished on the first night. I waited for another 10minutes before deciding that Ryan McDonald does not wait around for a dumb bitch. I went to Jamie's house.
When I arrive at Jamie’s house his Mom and Dad greet me like they've been drinking all day. Slurred speech comes out of their mouth, “The otha sonn arrived”. Jamie's parents rule. I went downstairs to find out Jamie already has the night planned. We are to go to Sauk Center, a town 15miles south, and hang out with these two girls. I'm thinking it's going to be a good night.
The mood was optimistic. We arrive at their house somewhere around 10:00P.M. The two girls walk up to my car, both decently attractive, nothing to WOW about, but defiantly not ugly. Girl1 was short with blonde hair and decent body. Girl2 was taller, yet about three inches shorter than me, big breasts and big ass, something straight out of a rap video.
I quickly learned that these girls are industrial stupid. I can normally get along with just about anybody, but these girls pushed my buttons. They annoyed me enough for me to want to compromise the night and drop them off. Lord knows I tried to. Girl1 wanted me to drive by this Escalade 100 times so that every time we passed I could hear her say, “OMG! I would love to have sex in that!!” and “It’s so hott.” I suggested to them that I could drop them off at the Escalade, and they could hump it all night long….they didn’t think that was funny.
At 10:30P.M., I've had enough. That's right; Ryan McDonald lost it in only a half hour's time. That's how bad they were. This was the subsequent conversation we had when I pulled into their driveway.
10:30pm-
(Ryan) Here's your uhhh house.
(girl1) Hey, what?!
(Ryan) Yea, uh. Just yea
(girl1) What?!
(Jamie) Let them stay until 11
(Ryan) I don't want to drive around for a half hour
(girl1) Lets just go to the park
(girl2) Yea, that's what we always do
(Ryan) Alright (in a disappointed/frustrated tone)

I give in too easily. It's 11:45 P.M., and we are still hanging out with them. The girls go into some 24hour supermarket to buy me and Jamie candy bars and pop. It's the least they could do for what they've made me suffer through. I made sure to tell Jamie that he knows obnoxious girls and that they are “the gay.” It could be worse though…they could be fat.

I've decided that I'm a good friend. I'm throwing aside my morals to let Jamie hang out with his friends. If this was just me and those two girls hanging out they would have been ditched and crying a long time ago. The best thing about this night so far is the free pop. Coca-Cola is my only true friend now.

At 12:50 A.M., I make this statement into my voice recorder: “After hours of bashing these ghetto obnoxious girls that I wanted nothing to do with, I hookup with the ghettoest one with the big butt and boobs (that's Girl2). Jamie has yet to touch a girl's vagina, maybe some other time.”

I'm not really sure what happened there either, but goal 3 is completed.

Friday

I woke up at 10A.M. to find 6 inches of fresh snow. Great. I love it when the roads suck. After showering and dressing ourselves, we head straight to the mall. The weekend after Thanksgiving should be PACKED with people to give flyers to.

The drive to the mall was like avoiding kamikaze pilots. People are crashing into curbs all around me. No joke. People in Alexandria can't understand that they need to drive slower when driving on 6 inches of snow, hence they crash.

Jamie and I handed flyers out for about 2 hours and instructing one of his friends from Glenwood to hang up flyers in their school. It's now 2P.M.; our stomachs tell us it's time for lunch. When I walk inside Burger King, I realize that these people NEED to go to a concert. They need something, the looks on their faces tell it all. they lead dull lives. When I tell people about the show, they seem excited. That optimistic feeling is back.

I got a call from my friend Nicole saying she's in Menards. I guess Jamie and I are supposed to go find her in there. I had no idea how big Menards is until I saw the building. It was HUGE. Finding her in there would be impossible. We don’t even try. So Jamie and I did the only thing we know, fucked around. We handed flyers out to all the hot employees there, fucked around in the upper part of the store and were overall jackasses. Menards rules.

Jamie and I spent the rest of the day in the community center destroying these two guys in basketball and terrorizing the gymnast's equipment. After making phone calls and talking to various girls we had 3 choices for the night:
1. Some girl wanted Jamie and me to go to a movie with her and her fat friends.
2. Go back to Sauk Center and hang out with the girls from the night before and have a party.
3. Sausage fest it up in Alexandria.

It was an easy choice. Right as we were leaving for Sauk Center, Jamie got a call from our friend Justin who lives in Osakis. Justin is a very cool guy, so I have no problems with picking him up. He’s also one of the biggest stoners I know, which makes things all the more interesting.

We arrive in Sauk Center around 6P.M., still haven’t eaten supper, but that doesn't bother us. A night full of babes and booze is ahead of us, nothing can kill this mood. This is some random recording of when we were hanging out with the girls from the night before, which surprisingly, aren’t as annoying after you hook up with them. I'll let you use your imagination.

6:50pm-
(Ryan) Justin discovers how valuable a tongue ring really is.
(Girl) Take it off!!
(Ryan) What's really good people?

The plan is for one of the girls' brothers to let us drink and crash at his place, and he'll also buy us some alcohol. So we're all chilling and waiting for her brother to give us a call. Waiting. Still waiting. No call. The girl gives him a call and finds out he got drunk and drove into the ditch in the middle of nowhere. Great.

With that phone call we find out these three things. We have no place to stay tonight, we have no alcohol, and we have no girls. Ryan was at a 10 on the happy scale and immediately went down to a 3. But Jamie, Justin and I are masters of this situation and can find some way to pull through and save the night. We scramble through cell phones trying to find people who live in the area. We find Mike.

Mike just got a new apartment in St. Cloud, which was only a 30minute drive from Sauk Center, and St. Cloud was our next stop on the promotional tour anyway. This works out great. It's now 10P.M., and we are hungry. We find a McDonalds in this town and begin eating. In my fury of losing the girls, booze and place to stay, I tear down a sign that says “Out of order” over the bathrooms. Jamie and Justin calm me down enough for me to sit my ass down and continue eating. Five minutes later, a McDonald’s employee walks over to the bathroom area and sees the sign on the ground. He clearly looks upset and grabs the broken sign and says, “Looks like I'll have to make a new sign!” Our whole table erupts in laughter. The McDonalds employee looks at us and says one word “Dicks.” We decide it’s a good time to leave.

Mike is meeting us at the Holiday Inn just off of Highway 15. We are early. It was about 10:40P.M. When we decided to go into the Holiday Inn and see what's happening in there. We fuck around for a while and go up to the third floor. In the hallway of the third floor, we meet some foreign girls from Germany. I thought I was famous or something, because they seem to recognize me.

(Foreign girl) Hey Alex!
*I look behind me and I see no one besides Justin and Jamie. So I approach.*
(Ryan) Uhhh, hey.

We bullshitted with them before realizing Mike was in the parking lot. When we left, the girl was convinced I was her friend Alex who she's never physically met before. We got out to the parking lot, and I followed Mike's car to his apartment. It's a nice apartment, but has one problem; he's the only person that lives there below the age of 60. Not a real party place, but that's alright at the moment. Jamie calls his friend Rachel that goes to SCSU, and they meet up somewhere near Mike's apartment. (Note: that Jamie has to walk 5 blocks to meet her in below zero weather. Poor kid almost died.) While Jamie is away, the three of us have a beer. Mike only has four beers in the fridge though, not hardly enough for one of us. Jamie and Rachel return midway through my beer, and we all chill out on the couch watching TV.

Convinced that nothing big was going to happen that night, I finish my beer and start making my bed on the floor. Mike goes into the other room for a moment and comes out with a bag of weed. My eyes light up. I don't smoke pot a lot, but I knew this would be a much funnier trip if I smoked than if I didn't. Mike, Justin and I were the ones who lit up. I’ll give credit to Mike, he's got great weed. We smoked a bowl each and waited for the high to kick in. I knew this was a perfect chance to try out my new voice recorder. So I turned it on and set it on the table.

The high was great; the best high I've ever had. I turn to Justin and attempt to tell him the story of the last time I drank (a week before) when I got slapped for making some girl mad. Here's the actual story I told, unedited and high. The voice recorder picked up everything perfect.

(Ryan) Hey, Justin, did I tell you the story of the last time I was drinking? Haha,
There's these two fuck buddies up there. Bianca and Sushi, haha. We call him that because he’s Asian
There was a plastic thing on a table and that fit together. Fits in like penis into a vagina
I was like this one is Bianca and this one is Sushi (mashing together noises)
And I was slamming them into each other. Like clack clack clack clack. Wasn't fuckin’ getting them in there.
And I was like HAHAHAHAHAHA not even getting it in there.
And uhhh. She got pissed and was like SMACK. Blam. Knocked my ass to the ground
And I got up and was like “NO! I WILL NOT GET SLAPPED AGAIN!” and I ran to the bathroom and hid and people would try to come in and be like “Ryan, its okay” but no. I would spray them with an aerosol spray can.
(Justin) hahahahahahahahahahaha

As you can tell, it's pretty incoherent. That's alright, though, it still got a laugh and that's what matters right? Other highlights of the night were Jamie making a pizza that was gooey and cold, we still ate it though. Another highlight was watching old 1950's cartoons, and Mike telling some story about beat boxing into a tape recorder. Mike's a funny guy, and I begin to think I'd rather gone to Mike’s than party with those girls. Around 1A.M. we hit the sack. It was a good night.

Saturday

We all woke up a bit late on Saturday. It’s around 2P.M. when we finally got rolling. Since everyone I’m with likes to rollerblade, we choose to go skate in “The Shed”. It's a skate park that the St.Cloud guys built to occupy themselves during rainy days. Thankfully for us, it works equally well in the winter. We were joined by 3 more rollerbladers to put our group total at seven. We are about to leave when the bag of pot gets brought out again. Oh goodness. I think it’s in my best interest to remain sober. I'm a bad skater when I'm sober, I'll fucking die when I'm high. It's around 2:30 before we head out with four of the seven stoned.

We're all starting to warm up and begin to do our basic tricks when I go at the ledge for a Mistrial (basic rollerblading trick) and get fucking mangled. That's great. I could have done that high, and it would have been funnier and hurt less, but sober it just plain hurts. I put those damn skates away just as quickly as I took them out.

When we're about to leave I feel this rumbling in my gut. Uh oh. The damp raw pizza I had eaten the night before was coming out. I ran into Mike's parents' house (that's where the shed was at) and found his bathroom. I grit my teeth and giv'er all I got. SPLOOSH. A moment of self-satisfaction has reached me after releasing the atom bomb of turds. It's just now when I’m basking in my accomplishment that I realize I have a problem, it won't flush. When I try to flush it, the water goes down, but the log stays there. I don't know what to do, so I do the only thing I could.I left it. I hoped Mike wouldn't have to use the bathroom and when his parents got back from their trip, they would find a nice surprise floating in their toilet for them.

I headed back to my car and didn't say a word to anyone about it. I thought it was a good time to give Bil Carda (Elite Studios owner) a call and tell him how the tour is going. I'm on the phone with him when Mike comes up to the car and says:

(Mike) Dude, I've been trying for the last 10minutes to get your turd to go down. You come do it.
(Ryan) Uhhh, okay.

As it turns out, Mike must be an amateur at flushing huge turds. Once I got the plunger, it took me about 30 seconds. First try or die!

We end up fucking around at some rail for about a half hour before going back to Mike's. I take a shower and get dressed, its time for flyers. I guess it'll just be me for a few hours, because Jamie and Justin are going to go skating with Joe Dubbs (another skater with us), and Mike is going to be heading to a bar.

I get a little lost on the way to the mall from Mike's but some old lady helped me out. She was really nice, and at least she had the patience to deal with my dumb ass. Once I got to the mall, I found out that this is a BIG mall. I wish I had two other guys to help me cover ground. It's okay though, if anyone can do it Ryan can, right? Half dazed and half lost, I was wondering around the mall talking to anyone who looked to might have interest in the show. I stopped at Hot Topic and talked to the manager about posting it on her board or something; she probably just threw away the flyer once I left. Bitch.

After two hours of this, I pretty much covered everyone, and I even talked to some of the people I met before. I quickly got bored with them though and went out to my car. There I sat for a good 45 minutes listening to music and trying to stay warm. I was waiting for Jamie and Justin to get done skating and meet me at the mall but after 45minutes I got impatient and called Mike's cell.

(Ryan) Dude; tell Jamie and Justin to hurry their asses up. Its below zero, how can they be skating still?
(Mike) I dropped them off at the mall like an hour ago dude. Your cell wasn't working, and they said they'd just find you
(Ryan) Shit.

Looks like Ryan has to go find his friends. It took me about 20minutes to find them. Two kids in huge sweatpants and carrying rollerblades shouldn't have been that hard to find.

After being reunited, I find out they have my Karkov vodka that I had Mike buy for me. Yea, Karkov, I know I’m a cheap drunk. Anyway, we continue to hand out flyers. Justin’s approach to handing out flyers is laughable, but effective. Then the three of us are just walking around bullshitting, when all of a sudden a mall security guard comes up to us. He asks us if we got those flyers approved by the main office, and we tell him of course we did or we wouldn't be handing them out. He didn't believe us.

We are being escorted out of the mall by a security guard who wanted me to “take back all the flyers I gave to people”. I told him to get a real job. As we are walking to the parking lot another rent-a-cop is walking the opposite direction, and I nudge the security guard and said “Ha, is he your buddy or what?” which I didn't think was that bad of a comment, but it gained us a 2nd security guard to escort us out of the building. Just as we are going out the doors, I gave a flyer out to some passing girls as an act of defiance.

Escorting us out of the building was not enough for these rent-a-cops, they escorted me to my car. I left my voice recorder in my car, so I grabbed it and told them that they can give their side of the ordeal if they wanted. Here's what was said:

8:40pm-
(Ryan) So what exactly were we kicked out for? (Long pause)no comment or what? This is going to be on the internet.
(Security guard) Can't have tape recorders on the property either.
(Ryan) Why not?
(Security guard) It's against policy.
(Ryan) Really, why? What’s wrong about it? You have a tape recorder.
(Security guard) That's because I can.
(Ryan) Why can't I?
(Ryan) So I can't have this?
*Tries to take my voice recorder, but fails because he's fat and slow*
(Security guard) Nope.
(Ryan) WHY?
(Security guard) Because I said so, sir.
(Ryan) No, what's bad about a tape recorder?!
(Security guard) No honestly, if you guys don't get out of here, we can have the police come out, and they can get rid of you.
(Ryan) What did we do wrong?
(Security guard) Now you're trespassing, because we told you to leave.
(Justin) Rent-a-cop has all the authority, guys.
(Ryan) Alright, we'll just leave.

I still don't know what's so bad about a tape recorder, if he could have given me a straight answer, we wouldn't have had to go through that. Justin and Jamie made sure to flip them the bird as we were leaving.

We found out around that time that we didn't have a place to stay that night. I'm not exactly sure why, but I know we couldn't stay at Mike's. This is the second time this trip that it's been past 7P.M., and we don't have a place to stay. Then we have an idea, the Holiday Inn! Its warm, has entertainment and has girls. The plan is to befriend one of the girls and then have her let us crash in her room, a simple plan and easy to achieve.

As soon as we step inside the building, we go to the third floor where the foreign girls are staying. They think I'm their friend Alex; they'll have let us crash there. We can't remember which room they're staying in, so we go to the approximate area and just sit down and chill in the hallway. We are there for about a half hour when one of the foreign girls steps out to see what's with all the noise. None of us really know what to say, so I blurt out:

(Ryan) “We've been waiting for you for about an hour”

A look of sheer terror goes across her face, that's when I realize what I've said and how it sounded. I'm sure she realized by now that I was not her friend Alex, and Jamie and Justin we not my buddies that wanted to hang out with them. She was probably scared to leave her room for the rest of the night thinking we were going to rape her or something. Oh well.

We continued on our quest for a place to crash. We run into a girl and begin talking to her. She's a girl that Justin would like, very much into smoking weed. Just as a joke, I take out my voice recorder and record this: (note: Justin is sensitive about his shortness, and Jamie and I give him crap about it all the time, because we're tall)

10pm-
(Ryan) what's your name?
(Jessica) Jessica.
(Ryan) And how are you, Jessica?
(Jessica) Awesome.
(Ryan) And what do you think of Jamie?
(Jessica) He's alright.
(Ryan) What do you think of Justin?
*I whisper in her ear, “Say he's short.”*
(Jessica) Why? Okay. He's short.
(Justin) What?! I think we should beat up Ryan.
(Ryan) hahaha

Yea, I'm an asshole. Its alright though, Justin's a cool guy. But it's starting to get late and we don't have a place to stay yet. When times are desperate, we all must turn to Myspace. I hop on the lobby computer, and Jamie scrolls through his phone while Justin goes out for a cigarette with that Jessica girl.

Jamie pulls through like he always does in a clutch situation and has his friend Lauyrn give us some floor space. I've met Lauyrn before; in fact, Lauryn and I hooked up about 3 weeks prior to this story. I wasn’t really sure what to expect with her though. I hadn't talked to her or called her like I said I would. Jamie got directions from Lauryn on how to get to her house from the Holiday Inn, and we head out. It was 11:20P.M.

If we followed the directions correctly we would have been there by Midnight at the latest. Of course, we don’t follow the directions correctly, and there is a big dispute among us about which one is right about where to go. We finally made it to Lauryn's somewhere near 1A.M. She meets us outside, and we have to sneak into her room through her window. This girl is cool; she's willing to get into major shit just to help us out. Too bad I mess it up for her in the end.

I've been on alcohol withdrawal for the past few days, so I'm happy when we have a place to sleep and a bottle of vodka. I begin slamming down shots not noticing or caring how much I'm drinking. Mistake. After maybe 5 shots, I make a big screwdriver and begin to chill out and feel the affect of the alcohol. I look at the now 3/4th full vodka bottle and think, “Uh oh, that might have been too much on an empty stomach.” Then I dismiss those thoughts as foolish. I'm Ryan McDonald, I can handle my alcohol.

I'm not really sure what happened the whole night, but I remember I wanted to sleep in the bathroom, because I thought I was going to throw up…I was right. I ran into the bathroom, but once in there, I tripped over her cat and nearly threw up on it. I cursed it and moved my face toward the toilet. Then it came, or should I say then it exploded? It felt like my guts decided to exit my body through my mouth. The puke was a mixture of crackers (my supper), orange juice and vodka. It looked like tomato soup with crackers in it, kind of.

That's my last clear memory of the night. I know I threw up two more times, though. I was woken up at 5:30A.M. (note: I stopped drinking at 2:30A.M.). Being woken up infuriated me. In my still drunken state, I had no idea why I was being woken up so early. I began to curse and curse loudly. After they got me up (it was a collective effort), they told me that we had to leave through the window immediately. I looked at them and said “Ryan McDonald does not crawl through windows at 5:30A.M.” That pretty much sealed it. They were trying to convince me that I needed to go through that window when her parents walked in.

Imagine what her mom was thinking, hearing noises coming from her daughter's room at 5:30 in the morning and walking in to see three boys (who are still half naked). To give Lauryn, credit she kept her cool. I'm not really sure what happened next, but I remember walking out of the front door and thinking, “Yea, no window for me.”

Sunday

Once I sobered up a little, we drove to a nearby McDonalds to have our first substantial food in over 24 hours. On the way, Jamie was informing me of everything that happened.

6:00am (Sunday)
(Ryan) I don’t remember what fuckin' happened.
(Jamie) You got really really fuckin' drunk.
(Justin) Yea, Yea.
(Jamie) And was hitting on all three of us like none other (Jamie, Justin, Lauyrn). And then passed out and thinking you were going to puke and decided if you wanted to go to the bathroom or not. Now its 6A.M. and we had a 5 minute leeway to sneak out between her parents getting up, and we got caught.
(Justin) We fucked it up.
(Jamie) And now the roads are solid ice as in not cool at all.
(Justin) I fuckin’ stepped on to that fuckin’ pathway steps and was like, fuck. fuckin’ almost killed myself.
(Ryan) Still fuckin' cold out.

We swore enough on the drive to McDonalds to make a sailor proud. The only thing that was left on today's schedule was to pick up my stuff that was still at Mike's. Jamie found a way there for us, but once we got there we had a problem. We had no key to get inside the building. I buzzed a few random numbers to see if anyone would let me in, a lady responded and let us enter. When we go to Mikes apartment door, we figured we would knock, he'd let us in, and it would be a quick 15 minute deal. I was wrong. Mike would not wake up. We went berserk on his door and still no response. We called his phone numerous times and still no response. Jamie went outside and saw him sleeping through his bedroom window and pounded so loudly I could hear it inside the apartment building, still no response.

Mike is a sound sleeper. We all sat outside his door and began to fall asleep. Justin decides the car would be more comfortable spot and sleeps out there. Jamie and I crash outside of his door. After about an hour-long nap, I wake up with renewed fury and pound on the door. Finally we hear stirring inside, and Mike opens up. We grabbed my stuff and left. I give him a parting gift though, my Karkov vodka. That shit just makes me want to puke. I'd rather drink nail polish remover.

After a long car ride back to Osakis, I dropped Justin off and say goodbye. 20 minutes later, I'm doing the same thing with Jamie. I’m all too glad to be heading home; this was a hell of a trip. The big thing on the drive home was the road conditions. The roads were nearly pure ice. On Highway 10, a car tried to pass me but went way too fast and slid into the ditch serves him right for trying to pass me. That was God's revenge.

I had the extreme pleasure of going straight from this trip to a five hour shift at Papa Murphy's. I felt that I accomplished all three goals I had set out to achieve. Resulting in a very successful trip. The one thing that I took back from this trip was that when things seem horrible they usually find a way to work themselves out. Take that to heart kids.

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Elite Studios Promotional Trip Story

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