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Breaking News Regarding Ethan Albright


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#1 Snamuh

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 08:49 PM

For those who haven't seen the original:

Quote

http://www.thephatph...mp;StoryID=3159To: John MaddenCC: Electronic Arts SportsFrom: Ethan AlbrightRe: Being the worst rated player on Madden Ď07Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so Iíll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ****ing bullshit and you should kiss my mother-****ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80. You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ****ing 12. I rate you a ****ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-everÖ except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.Itís also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod ďHe Hate MeĒ Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?I guess I just canít fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I donít crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, heíd look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert! John, you are such a ****ing dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ****ing zero? So you feel that I shouldnít even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldnít even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ****ing face. **** that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns. Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Letís see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While Iím at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but Iím a ****ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass ****wad that canít fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man. When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. **** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder. Rot in Hell,Ethan Albright
Well today, Ethan Albright's Madden rating skyrockets as he has been selected to the NFC Pro Bowl roster. It brings tears to my eyes for one of the games true greats.http://sports.espn.g...tory?id=3212177
Snamuh raises to $76.75, and is all in
BigKamp: yyou lose
BigKamp has 15 seconds left to act
BigKamp calls $24.50, and is all in
Seat 1: BigKamp (small blind) mucked [Ad Ac] - a full house, Aces full of Kings
Seat 2: Snamuh (big blind) showed [Kd Kh] and won ($102.50) with four of a kind, Kings
Snamuh: you lose

#2 chaosnhavoc

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 08:57 PM

Still Laughing
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#3 Knollie919

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:02 PM

yea def. couldn't stop laughing through that whole thing
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#4 NoSup4U

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:06 PM

View Postchaosnhavoc, on Thursday, January 24th, 2008, 9:57 PM, said:

Still Laughing


#5 GetSprung

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:10 PM

Bravo
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#6 RDog

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:12 PM

Okay, I might be the biggest idiot on the planet for asking this, but..........is that letter real? If so, holy ****, that is funny.

#7 chaosnhavoc

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:14 PM

Dont get upset I only rate this thread a 38 with a Foxwoods Pro Thread being a 68 and the Daniel Pottery Thread being a 99
**** off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.- Tyler Durden

#8 Jordan

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:14 PM

omg is that for real

#9 Snamuh

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:18 PM

View PostJordan, on Friday, January 25th, 2008, 12:14 AM, said:

omg is that for real
LOL no, but funny nonetheless. Found it a while ago, thought most would have already seen it! But I couldn't let his accomplishment today go unnoticed.
Snamuh raises to $76.75, and is all in
BigKamp: yyou lose
BigKamp has 15 seconds left to act
BigKamp calls $24.50, and is all in
Seat 1: BigKamp (small blind) mucked [Ad Ac] - a full house, Aces full of Kings
Seat 2: Snamuh (big blind) showed [Kd Kh] and won ($102.50) with four of a kind, Kings
Snamuh: you lose

#10 RDog

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:26 PM

View PostSnamuh, on Thursday, January 24th, 2008, 9:18 PM, said:

LOL no, but funny nonetheless. Found it a while ago, thought most would have already seen it! But I couldn't let his accomplishment today go unnoticed.
:club:........still funny but much funnier when I thought it was real.

#11 HangukMiguk

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:28 PM

Tears in eyes...can't stop.OMG WOW.TOTD


#12 tealsea

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:28 PM

good read sirdefinitely made my day better, but now my ribs hurt from laughing
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#13 scrapp

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:41 PM

you come through with stakes and then this gem. you sir are on a roll tonight!"**** me sideways with a lunchbox" just gets funnier everytime i read it!!!

#14 defy

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 09:52 PM

LOL really funny..no longer steaming after losing in ept step 2 :club:

#15 StrippersNBlow

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 10:28 PM

View PostRDog, on Thursday, January 24th, 2008, 9:26 PM, said:

:club:........still funny but much funnier when I thought it was real.

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#16 Buckeye Hughes

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 11:38 PM

View Postchaosnhavoc, on Friday, January 25th, 2008, 12:14 AM, said:

Dont get upset I only rate this thread a 38 with a Foxwoods Pro Thread being a 68 and the Daniel Pottery Thread being a 99
I lol'd
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#17 Cappy37

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 12:45 AM

lmao... simply.. awesome.. thank you for this.
QUOTE (El Guapo @ Thursday, April 30th, 2009, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
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#18 BeaverStyle

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 01:40 AM

LMAO.
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#19 Ko8e34

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 01:52 AM

Golden. TOTD for sure.

#20 Fluffdog87

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 03:21 AM

View PostHangukMiguk, on Thursday, January 24th, 2008, 11:28 PM, said:

Tears in eyes...can't stop.OMG WOW.TOTD
Weeeeeeee! :D :D :D :D :club:
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