24 replies to this topic

[hblask]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - T hese men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please leave the building.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[fryer98]

Why does a bride wear white?
















So the dishwasher matches the stove.

[BDPoolie]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following Conversation took place:

First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy:
"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and
said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[Jeepster80125]

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

[breeze81]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants
a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above
the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

[erac22]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?













b/c she's a woman. ok i'll stop now.

[Asimo]

Understanding a Woman


We need REALLY MEANS I want

You want REALLY MEANS You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

Yes REALLY MEANS No

No REALLY MEANS No

Maybe REALLY MEANS No

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

[fryer98]

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

And this is sexist how?

[breeze81]

And this is sexist how?

Only joke I could think of, so I though I would just slide it in and hope everyone laughed and continue on.

[fryer98]

Only joke I could think of, so I though I would just slide it in and hope everyone laughed and continue on.

Nah, I read the first 5 words and said "I've read this 234563463 times before and why is this in here?"

Nice try though.







What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

























Nothing, you already told her twice!

[breeze81]

Ok, heres one:

Why shouldn't woman be allowed to have a driver license?



















































Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.

[Jeepster80125]

Nah, I read the first 5 words and said "I've read this 234563463 times before and why is this in here?"

Nice try though.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice!

I'm not that mean, but if I were, I'd tell the sick thread to FYP.

[navybuttons]

A man's wife is in a car accident.

The man goes down to the hospital. When he gets there the doctor says that he has some bad news.

"She's in a bad way," says the doctor. "Most likely she won't be able to walk again, and won't be able to take care herself. You'll have to push her around. You'll have to do all the cooking and you'll have to feed her. Of course, she'll be unresponsive during sex, but she'll still have her period so you're gonna have to help her with that. She won't be able to control her functions so she's probably gonna shit and piss everywhere and you're gonna have to clean it. She obviously won't be able to clean herself, so you're gonna have to clean her too. She'll probably stink from being so dirty all the time."

"My gosh," says the man, "that's terrible."

"No, I'm just fucking with you," says the doctor, "she's dead."

[LongLiveYorke]

"No, I'm just fucking with you," says the doctor, "she's dead."

Family Guy called, they want their joke back.


Really, Long Live Yorke, a "(blank) called, they want their (blank) back" comment. I must be slipping.

[LongLiveYorke]

I like this one, though you've probably heard it before:

A man's wife was in a car accident and went into a coma. A few weeks went by and the woman was unresponsive. Then one day, when the nurse was giving the woman a sponge bath, she gently rubbed the sponge around her crotch. As the sponge touched her vagina, the woman shivered and moaned a little. The nurse told the doctor what happened, and the doctor quickly called in the husband.

"We think we have an idea that may get your wife to wake up," the doctor said. "Apparently, sexual stimulation evokes a genuine response in her. We called you in because we believe that oral sex could be enough to wake her up."

The man responded, "Oral sex? Okay, I'm willing to do it."

So, the man walked into the room with his wife and closed the door behind him. A few minutes went by when suddenly the nurse and doctor are alerted that the woman's vital signs start to fall quickly. They yelled into the room and the man came running out, obviously terrified by his wife's worsening condition.

"What happened in there?" the doctor asked the man.

He responded, "She choked."

[TheRake_MD23]

Thanks for the Wed. humor

[navybuttons]

Family Guy called, they want their joke back.

i got it from gilbert godfrey or however you spell it.

[Dirtydutch]

i got it from gilbert godfrey or however you spell it.

Yeah, maybe Family Guy did it, but that's an old, old, public domain-type joke. You can't call theft for using a joke like that.

[hblask]

Thought this was funny and appropriate for this thread. NOTE: The picture in this link is Not Safe For Work (NSFW). It has no nudity, just a profane word that starts with F that is quite common on these boards. So, here is a NSFW T-shirt

[Seymour Bluffs]

Wife School