Posted 03 May 2009 - 05:50 PM
My roommate just left down, on an impromptu, open-ended roadtrip with our "friend" Billy. KissyFace is an incredibly skilled card player, so he can do stuff like this. He was broke 6 weeks ago after a long time off, some surprise expenses, and a terrible downswing playing PLO8. I called in some favors, and borrowed some money so I could lend him about 1500 interest free. Last I checked, after paying off the debts and cashing out a few times, he's got about 30K sprinkled across 3 sites. He's a genius, but he's the exact opposite kind of smart as me. He doesn't communicate well, but he might as well be an Empath, he's so good at understanding the subtle dynamics of human actions. He can't tell anybody but me what's going on, but I speak KissyFace, so I can usually figure out what he's saying. Anyway, I haven't been sleeping lately. No more than 2 or 3 hours straight in about a week. I go through phases where I struggle to rest, but this is the worst I can ever remember, except during my junior year of college, when some stuff happened with my then-girlfriend that destroyed me emotionally for at least a year. (No, it wasn't like "she dumped me" or "I got my heartbroken;" even I'm not that big a faggot.)So I can't sleep. My brain works well, most of the time. The process isn't necessarily good, but it's efficient. I struggle to find balance, to keep myself from overheating, but all-in-all: it's a fair price to pay for having the ability to think quickly and well.When Maggie stayed the night, I slept fine. I really did. I was terrified the first time, but when I woke up next to her I wasn't disappointed, or anxious or any of that. When Smash stays over, though, I don't sleep. I don't like waking up next to her, and I'm not totally sure I could explain why. It was like that years ago. I liked her quite a bit, then woke up in the morning, and I wanted her GONE. I thought it was a fluke, but it happened every time. It's happened with other girls, too, and I like to think it's an early-warning mechanism, but I'm not sure if it's not just random. Who knows? Couple a mania borne of down time (school starts again tomorrow, but I haven't been able to recalibrate my brain during my time off) and Ashley's ocassional presence, and I'm not sleeping. At all. Today was one of the worst days in recent memory. I was, for all intents and purposes, wholly non-functional. I delegated all of my authority at work (mostly without anyone knowing), since (and this is unbelievable to me) I trusted the people around me to make decisions more than I trusted myself. Actually, all I wanted to say was my roommate is out of town, so I'm fully nude in my living room, prepared to shake things up by sleeping on the floor near an open door. I am calling in sick to life for the next 14+ hours, and my first order of business? Depantsing and sprawling. Got a class with Magglio tomorrow. It will be horrible, in a decidedly undelicious way. If she asks if I'm seeing anyone, I don't know if I'll be able to lie.
I mean, RAAAAAAWWWR!