The Saga Of Mike The Wigga

[timwakefield 68]

So I've been in AC for 2 days and have not yet hit the tables. I did however meet a guy named Mike, and he is a wigga. I spent a good deal of time with him and his 'bro' Nicky last night and the night before, somewhat against my wishes but it was worth it for the entertainment. Ok so here's the story, which may or may not be over.(please excuse the switches between past and present tense)Got here Sunday night, they didn't have a smoking room for me so I checked in and then headed out to the beach to smoke a joint. On the way back this dude on the boardwalk asks if I have any weed, and he's leaning on one of those carts that the dudes push you around in, so I thought he was like a cool AC guy who lives there, etc and we could smoke another joint out on the beach. Anyways I said maybe, but it turned out he was just talking to the dude driving the cart. But he is like sooooooo excited when I say I have weed and I figure I'll break him off a dime or whatever and help a dude out. We go inside, I go grab a bit and head down to his room, where his bro Nicky was in the shower. Anyways he's like a real Jersey wigga. I'm such a ****in idiot for not getting his myspace for hilarity, cuz he asked me if I had a page (I don't). So he's talking all about his uncle who has the room next door and is a balla, and is up in the penthouse partying, and he can totally get me up there and blah blah blah. Whatever, here's some weed, drink a little whiskey, and then his bro comes out of the shower and I realize that they're younger, 18ish. They both claim to be 20 and "21 in a few months" but I dunno. So they're here, broke as shit (argument over who would pay me the $10 for weed ensued), underage and unable to gamble. Mike The Wigga kept going on about how his uncle dropped 20gs the night before and his uncle's buddy won 13gs, and they had all this money laid out, etc etc. I really did believe that his uncle was hooked up, cuz Mike clearly couldn't afford a hotel, and they were ordering steaks and shit comped. Also his uncle's room next door was empty at like 2 AM. Again, he's really talking a LOT about how he's gonna hook me up with comped food all week (I'm here til Friday), how he could get me a key to the penthouse, all that shit. He really took a liking to me for hooking him up with good weed, and kept telling me I was his nigga. Nicky was pretty quiet, but he had the wigga style down pretty good. He honestly had a fake gold chain with a gun and bullets around his neck, took it off to show me how 'hard' he was, and then mentioned how he wished it was real. Mike and Nicky are from south Jersey, very unemployed, and very on probation (at least Mike, and Nicky had a court date today for underage gambling from a few months ago). Mike was talking about how he was so broke but they were heading back to Jersey the next morning (Monday) and then heading back Tuesday for the court date, and he was gonna get some cash back home. One of the first things he told me after I offered to hit him with a dime, after making sure I wasn't a cop (LOL), was that he sells weed, all kindsa shit. Ok so I figure he has some small-time deal at home, but I say 'what kinda deal you got - I mean you don't gotta tell, whatever,' and he starts talking about puppies. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. He whips out his phone and shows me his dog, who apparently had puppies. Reasonably cute mutt. Now I'm sure none of the stories Mike The Wigga told were entirely accurate, but they were nonetheless entertaining. It should be mentioned that he talked a lot about coke and was drinking plenty of whiskey, and running around the room air-boxing a lot. His best story was of how he went to jail. He left out the juicy details of the crime, but said only that he stole a tricked out Audi from a dude who lived a few blocks away. After laying low in the neighborhood for a few weeks he decided to just say **** it and act like it was his. So he's driving around like a ****up, obviously doing his best to run over little children, speeding around. He comes to a couple trucks and he can't get past, starts honking and just gets fed up and figures he can make it. So he guns it and goes "BAM - BAM" rocked between the two parked trucks on either side. So he figures his best bet is to drive off, which he does, but unfortunately right into a bush. So he hops out of the car, runs into the backyard, mentions something about a 6 foot wooden fence that he could jump if he wanted to, but something something something the whole neighborhood saw it all go down and came and kicked the shit out of him and called the cops. He also went to jail again later for violating his probation by drinking a beer on the top of a building. He thought it was ridiculous for him to be arrested for it, but i mean he was illegally on a roof, underage and drinking a beer. LOL GG. Anyways they're gonna go to the store or something to get a blunt, and even though he offered to smoke me up I got the **** out of there. He wanted to know if I wanted the room comped for a week (when I asked about the Penthouse at this point he acted like I was crazy for saying he suggested he could get me up there - not that I believed him but I was at least expecting an entertaining excuse). Anyways he's saying I can get the room for the week and comped food etc etc but they're leaving at 8 AM and his uncle has to sign some shit, blah blah blah. I tell him I'll call him in the morning if I want the room, just cuz he won't accept my 'no thanks.' He also asked me probably about 10-12 times if I wanted some of his steak, and apparently didn't understand the word no. I go upstairs and crash for about 12 hours. Ok first I played some video poker and hit a straight flush (quarter machine, but still woooooot ). Anyways I'd been real busy all weekend doing shit in the apartment, hadn't slept well, all that. So I wake up and have like 2 missed calls from Mike from the morning. As I'm looking at my phone Mike calls again, and for some ridiculous reason I answer it. He says they ended up staying, but they gotta go in like an hour but will I smoke them up again (their uncle is driving them all back in a limo, he says this many times and claims it to be a real limo and a 2 hour drive....I feel more likely it is a town car at best). So again I say yes for entertainment's sake, and also he's still talking about getting my food comped all week. I figure this is extraordinarily unlikely, but I got nothing to lose. They come up bearing chicken wings and fries, we smoke a joint and they leave. Mike again shows me the picture of his dog, and asks me nearly all of the questions he asked the night before because he was too drunk to remember it. Most of those questions were about boston and NY, and where the fine bitches are at, black bitches with big asses (you think I'm joking, I'm not). He was Irish and was so proud when I said he could pass for a Bostonian - I left out the part that he reminded me of the classic uneducated Boston Irish wigga. Him and Nicky were impressed with how smart I was, and I could understand why since they were so epically backwards. They were really impressed by my laptop, and Nicky had trouble understanding that a laptop on it's own can't have wireless internet, it needs to connect to a source and I had to pay for it and had not done it yet. He was all about my computer had wireless so that means it has the internet. OK. Mike The Wigga said he didn't know the rules or anything for poker, but Nicky said he liked poker, and then later got confused about whether or not you play against the house or against other players. The concept that I was planning on making money in AC was difficult for them - how could I plan to win?? What if I got unlucky?? Their games were blackjack and roulette, and Nicky considered roulette one of the more difficult games because the odds are against you. Ok so they take off, but they have to come back the next day (today) for Nicky's court date. They say they will call me to "chill" or whatever, and I lie and say cool. Anyways, I'm about to hit the tables finally but then I see the damn Red Sox game is on ESPN, and since I don't get to see many games I decide to watch it and warm up with online omahahahaha. That goes well - I'm up 400, then down 300 total, then evenish, take a break and check out the Hilton poker room. There's one depressing looking table running, I figure it's too late to go to the Borgata and whatever, I'm having a good time just relaxing in my sweet suite. So I head back up and start crushing more faces, up 5-600 total on the night at 1/2 (extremely long and disguised brag post obv). And then I see that I have like 2 text messages and a missed call from Mike, saying they're back and they want to chill. At this point it's 4 AM, and at this point I am so regretting letting them come up to my room the day before (because now they know where to find me). I in fact told him don't come up here I'll come to your room, but they had checked out and everything. Ok so there it is, just as expected, the entirely unenvited and unwanted knock at my door. Now I am basically nocturnal, but you still don't ****ing knock on some dude's door at 4 am. They let themselves in (what am I gonna do, say no you are not allowed in my room???), and anyways I am feeling good from booking my nice win. So I quit out the tables, and they are really interested in me playing online poker. The first thing Nicky says is "yo lemme play this hand" and I tell him to **** off. I obv close my windows, and Mike asks if he can give me $5 cash and bet $5 for him on a hand. I tell him it doesn't really work like that, and just no. So basically their deal is Nicky has court at 9 AM, and they wanna crash in my room for a few hours. ****. This is where I made a mistake the day before in thinking "what do i have to lose?" I'm totally watching them like every second to see that they're not trying to look for my cash or steal my weed or any shit like that, cuz even though they're friendly and keep telling me how much of their nigga I am, they're low-down, broke-ass thieves when it comes down to it. They've told me as much many times. Mike The Wigga is impressed with himself for having money in his pocket, as he said he would. He takes out a wad and shows it off. Ok, probably not what it looks like. He quickly orders up a double shot of vodka, and when the guy shows up it becomes clear that his "roll" is nearly all 1s. I'm not joking, I swear to you. He told Nicky he had about $70, and seemed proud to have such a heavy pocket. I would estimate it was 40 $1s, a twenty, and maybe a couple 5s. Anyways they're both being kind of assholes, which is ridiculous because they're trying to sleep in some cots in my room or whatever. Nicky (who is short and skinny btw - Mike is medium height, red hair, stocky) starts talking shit about my clothes. I mean I dress like a bum sort of, I just don't give a shit. They're both wearing oversized wigga shirts which they are very proud of. Mike asks me how much I think his shirt cost, and I thought he was trying to say how smooth he was at getting a good deal on such a horrific piece of clothing so I said $20, and he was like 'nah nigga, this shit was $45, this is my favorite shirt yo.' Ok. Mike The Wigga is clearly just wanting weed, so he offers me $5 to smoke him up (whatever, he gave me chicken and whiskey). Nicky is getting tired and orders himself a cot. At some point Mike disappears into the bathroom for awhile, and Nicky later accuses him of taking pictures of his dick to send to the Myspace girl (did I mention about the myspace girl?) and Mike admits yes, and also that he jacked off. Ok.We're watching The Wire on my laptop, and Mike keeps pointing out how fake all the cops and dealers are, and how people in Jersey would never get caught like that cuz they're smart. Ok.A little later Nicky's cot has arrived and he's in bed, but he perks up when Mike starts talking about fighting. They're asking who I've fought, how much I weigh, LOL etc. Mike throws $30 down on the bed and wants to bet me to "wrestle" Nicky, to which I laugh and say **** no are you joking. It was probably 6 AM. Nicky is really excited, in spite of the fact he has court in 3 hours and has not slept and is high. As explained earlier Mike has a problem with 'no' so I say 'why do you wanna wrestle dude? that's some gay greek shit, what is this high school gym?' They make it abundantly clear that they are not gay, but accept my refusal to wrestle. God there's a lot more, I will write more later if people enjoy it.

[dna4ever 2]

read every word cause im that bored at work, nice read. curious how this all ends by friday, keep us posted.

[No_Neck 0]

Despite the disgusting length of this read... would read again.

[ShakeZuma 585]

dude, get another room. screw that, get another hotel. I'm uncomfortable just reading that.

[dna4ever 2]

and Mike asks if he can give me $5 cash and bet $5 for him on a hand. I tell him it doesn't really work like that, and just no

this was one of my fav parts btw

[LJB723 0]

<---- Keenly awaiting part II

[simo_8ball 0]

<---- Keenly awaiting part II

[GWCGWC 83]

If Mike says, "yo nigga take a look at this popper," while trying to hand you a hand gun, DON'T DO IT. It's all about the prints yo.

[troyomac 0]

Good read, keep it coming!

[krup24 0]

<---- Keenly awaiting part II

and i hope u don't get jacked

[Naismith 0]

He was Irish and was so proud when I said he could pass for a Bostonian - I left out the part that he reminded me of the classic uneducated Boston Irish wigga.

Is there any other kind of Bostonian?EDIT: Also, sign on AIM so I can try to convince you to go to a different hotel and change your number.

[No_Neck 0]

Is there any other kind of Bostonian?EDIT: Also, sign on AIM so I can try to convince you to go to a different hotel and change your number.

There are uneducated French guys in Boston too... eat it jackass

[timwakefield 68]

Is there any other kind of Bostonian?EDIT: Also, sign on AIM so I can try to convince you to go to a different hotel and change your number.

No way I am gonna sleep now! I'll be on later though .Spoiler: Mike The Wigga and his bro Nicky are gone on fine terms and I highly doubt they'll be back. There's still more hilarity though.

[jeff_536 3]

I have a question. Do these 'wigga's' realize who/what they are? Is there any level of self-realization that they're white guys trying too hard? Or do they honestly believe they're being taken seriously?I ask because I've never met one.

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

[Suited_Up 2]

This whole situation is beyond words.How do you even let yourself get into that situation. If I heard someone saying "You got any weed?" on the beach. (Which I wouldn't have, but if I did...)My first thought wouldn't be to say, maybe... it would be to keep my mouth shut and think to myself... "HAHA... Yes, I do, and you can't have it." and keep walking.No idea how it got this far.Can't wait to see what else happens. Please get a myspace addy.

[cwik 0]

weeeeeeeeeee, this is great stuff.

[Jordan 1]

lol

[Temporary Nuts 1]

I'll bet $100 that Mike and Nicky are rabid ICP fans

[onlyme386 0]

lmao, keep it going timmy

[Cappy37 0]

I'll bet $100 that Mike and Nicky are rabid ICP fans

Awesome read. Strangely compelling. ICP Fans & NWP posters..

[No_Neck 0]

AC it is shank or be shanked tell me you didn't get shanked!!!

[Mercury69 3]

Very funny...people like that make me larf.

[timwakefield 68]

Part 2 (A)So back to poker. At some point when they were accusing me of using play money and asking to play a hand it came up that I play poker for a living. They both found this totally unbelievable. Not that I personally couldn't do it; they were very opposed to the idea of a professional online poker player. Nicky: Bro, bro, yo bro you're telling me you make a living with that?? Nawww. You ain't got a job? How else you get money for rent and shit? How much money you got online?Me: [says less than I have] Nicky: Yeah but how do you live on some $2 bet shit? [referring to the fact i had been playing 1/2 - not that he determined it, he'd asked me what the minimum bet was]Me: [explaining that it's not $2 poker, I can bet $200 or more, etc]Nicky: Yo, bro, bro, come on bro. What if you lose that shit? What're you gonna do? How bout if you just get unlucky and lose that?Mike: [on the room phone] Yo, how much is a bottle of vodka? $50 damn, ok you got any bottles for like $30? Ok lemme get a doubleshot of grey goose, wait how much is that? Ok lemme get a double shot of Jack Daniels. Yeah, alright baby, thanks [he was doing this entire discussion in faux-sexy voice that him and Nicky thought was hysterical, and he kept us updated on how sexy the operator's voice was ]Nicky: [Talking some other shit] Mike: Yo you caught him in a lie bro! Yo we caught you in a lie bro!Nicky: Yeah bro, what you gonna do if you lose that shit? You can't make a living off that. We fucking caught you yo. Me: You wanna see my bankroll? Mike: Nah bro, you're cool bro, You my nigga! [slaps me five]So I still need to finish the story, but I also need to go to the Borgata and crush some donkeys.

[onlyme386 0]

lmao gl