I Called In Sick Today

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

I like this phrase.

El Guapo finds it alien and confusing.

[Sickinfo2 291]

:club:/DC theme music:"....And now.... a man who believes that trickle down economics means that you missed the bottle while pissing behind the wheel of a Hyundai.....""MR. BEANS ICEWATER!":mouse scurries across empty theater:I have no idea what that means....BeansBombs ya know....I figured Id jump on here for a brief moment to update my many fans on the goings on of late. The Icewater Chronicles if you will. I can almost feel the heat radiating from the scroll wheels nowLets start off by rewinding the tape back to around two thousand four. Maybe three. The exact date makes no difference....just stay focused and we'll all ride this wreck out together. Just dont accuse me of being behind the wheel Shane and I were at one of our favorite haunts in Vegas, the Golden Gate casino at the corner of Fremont and Main. It was this particular evening that we were fortunate enough to meet a new dealer named Sing. At the time of his appearance at the twenty one table, my two eyes and Shanes four could only make out and pronounce the eighth syllable of his name tag, hence the nickname "Sing" for future reference of this story. Anyway, ole Sing didnt care much for Shane and Beans antics. As a matter of fact, it was widely known that he spent a considerable amount of time back in the dealers break room cursing us in Chinese, even on the rare occasions that we werent in the casino. Several minor altercations between us and him occurred over the span of several months, like the vomiting incident, the sour kraut flatulence episode, and last but not least, the episode involving the bare breast of an accompanying stripper and a tape measure. Little did we know at the time that his full force of hatred toward us would surface just a few evenings after the world record areola was documentedThe final straw in Sings thatched hut was during a marathon drinking session early one Tuesday morning around three thirty. I just happened to notice that Shane was a few past his limit by counting the number of lit cigarettes hanging from his lips and in the ashtray. Since I was slightly alcohol impaired at the time, I counted the number of smoke trails levitating toward the ceiling and divided them by three to correct for the booze factor. Thats a very complex calculation that I will cover in a later tutorial, but for now just use the rule of thumb of dividing by the number of cocktail waitress that you placed the last order to. Thats usually close enough"Shane....you have five smokes lit"(thousand yard stare from eyes that look like two piss holes in the snow)"Mebe I do....whats it to ya there Pinto?""I ......I was just making an (hickup) observation...."(Sing waits impatiently for Shanes decision on the terribly difficult nineteen verses his seven)"Ill lite the whoo....whhole goft damned pack ifin I wants.......to""Alrighty then....but fore ya do....better double that deuce and eight there""Just mind yer own dan cards Mr. HORSESHOE UP DA ASS and Ill mind mine"(Sing shakes red faced head as Shane pushes out fifty more dollars beside the face/nine hand)"DEBELINK ON HAARD NIN-TEEEEN!" (Shane pulls a bullet for a twenty and immediately commences the celebration)"BLAFT FUKIN JACK! BEAT THAT THERE SING A LONG A DING DONG!""Uh...you jusft doubled a hard (hickup) ninetwwen there superstar.... I think thats a fukin twenty"(slow motion look from Shane)"I knowed that...just countin the cards....knew it was full a acemes""...did you also know that you knocked the astray off the table and onto that ladies coat?"(smoke rising from feet)While Sing was reluctantly paying off the negative expectation wager, I played firefighter with my Corona and doused the polyester fueled flames with a thumb placed strategically over the bottle while shaking the lime encased container in the general direction of the smoke. Think Sal waking up to an illegitimate baby crying in the trailer an you would be close. In hindsight, I probably shouldnt have shaken it quite as much, as the pressure continued to propel the intoxicants into the air long after it was raised back onto the gaming table. As you may have guessed by now, the yellow stream made a bee line from the bottle directly into our already pissed off dealers face"YOO BUMB-BA-FLING IDEEEEOTS! I HAVE ENOUTH! NO MO DEAL TO YOO!.... (looks at Shane)....."YOO DON NO AZZ FROM HO IN GROUN!" ....(looks at me)...."AN YOO! YOO I SOO TIRED OV!..... MAKE BUMB AZZ JOKE BOUT STUF NOBODE UNDASTANDZ!.... AA YOU DO IZ DINK DINK DINK DINK!....RUN TA PEE THEN.... DINK DINK DINK DINK!....YOU TWO NO HAVE HOME TO GO TO?.....BET WIVZ TROW YOO OUT...DON BLAME DEM A TOLL...POLE SOLZE PROB BE KILL SELVES BI NOW!"(Beans and Shane glance across silent casino)"Uh....Shane....you seen the waitress yet....I lost mosta my beer""Here she comes....TWO MORE BABY! THE HOT STREAKS JUST NOW STARTED!"Needless to say, its a good thing were were so plastered since otherwise it could have been an awkward moment there for a while. We continued gambling under the close eye of the shift supervisor until he offered a diner comp and a wheelchair for Shane around nine that morning. It wasnt until the next evening that we pieced the puzzle together and figured out that Sing was actually upset with us. And since we thrive upon being a thorn in the side of individuals who dare try to damper our fun, we made it a point to sit at his table....sometimes moving to other tables that he moved to during the shift, until he finally couldnt take the abuse anymore and quit the casino trade for good. I still say that my idea of "Hello My Name Is BUMB-BA-FLING IDEEEEOT" name tags was the final straw but Shane still believes that placing tip wagers for him at our seats and then giving them to the dealer on the next table tied the noose. Whatever the reason, we were personally thanked by the pit crew and dealers for ridding the joint of the most unfriendly dealer on the planet. Well, most tales would end right here. I could slug down the rest of the tomato juice and beer right now, hit the reply tab, and pass out with the tingly feeling of sticking a few more bytes of my life story out there for complete strangers to think further ill toward me for. Nope. The actual ending is playing out right now in good ole two thousand eleven. Hard to believe, huh? Im giddy myselfFive days ago, Shane was in the back of the shop showing a potential customer through the showroom when the following announcement hit the PA system..."Shane.....Beans.... call the office please"Turns out that an older Chinese man from the warehouse next door was throwing a fit about our trash being thrown in his dumpster. Shane told Jan that he would go over there after assisting the client and see what all the fuss was about...Yep.... Sing and his brother moved in next door and are firing up a antique furniture business. Shane said the first words out of his mouth when he entered the door was... "OOO NOOO! NO YOU!"I know what youre thinking, but we have matured quite a bit since those dark days at the Gate. Back then, every waking moment would be consumed with ideas and schemes to make the poor guys life a living hell on earth. Not now. Those days are over for goodWe barely even chuckled after welding his dumpster closed later that night...Stay tuned though...we get bored quite easily

[LadyGrey 6]

[speedz99 145]

http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/For Speedz

Wow.

I don't know why you think he would have need for such a service.

I could provide it!

argh. 3.73 this semester.

What screwed you up?

It's amazing to me how much a 3.6 in college / XXXX SAT score is currently holding me back...makes me wish I had taken the SATs / freshman year of college more seriously

Really? Your SAT score? There's no way that matters for anything after college.A 3.6 should be fine for anything but the best grad schools as long as you have a good GRE/GMAT/LSAT/whatever score.

[Dawson Leery 12]

I'm confused by this statement. Are you saying you did not take the SAT, or that your SAT was low and it's holding you back?Either one honestly confuses me. You have graduated and have worked for a big firm, why would anyone look at anything except the fact you have your degree at this point?

Really? Your SAT score? There's no way that matters for anything after college.A 3.6 should be fine for anything but the best grad schools as long as you have a good GRE/GMAT/LSAT/whatever score.

PE firms are snobs about that shit. I've gotten turned down for interviews at 2 firms (former clients who asked me to send them a resume) because I didn't have a 3.7 / 1400 on the SATs.

[speedz99 145]

PE firms are snobs about that shit. I've gotten turned down for interviews at 2 firms (former clients who asked me to send them a resume) because I didn't have a 3.7 / 1400 on the SATs.

Haha...that's absolutely ridiculous.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Haha...that's absolutely ridiculous.

I know, can you believe he didn't even get a 1400?

[Quacktastic 106]

Stay tuned though...we get bored quite easily

I love me some Beans stories...Headed to Vegas June 22nd - 24th. Not sure if I will make it to Ellis Island but I may just get drunk enough to try one of those concoctions.

[SBriand 4]

I love me some Beans stories...Headed to Vegas June 22nd - 24th. Not sure if I will make it to Ellis Island but I may just get drunk enough to try one of those concoctions.

Boo, come the week of the 6th.

[El Guapo 8]

PE firms are snobs about that shit. I've gotten turned down for interviews at 2 firms (former clients who asked me to send them a resume) because I didn't have a 3.7 / 1400 on the SATs.

That is just stupid. What about all the really successful guys who either didn't go or dropped out of college than run in those circles?

[speedz99 145]

I know, can you believe he didn't even get a 1400?

RIGHT?!?

[Quacktastic 106]

Boo, come the week of the 6th.

Very expensive flights already booked. You ready for tonight?

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

I couldn't even finish watching the video. I feel sick.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/12/8...l_n_860947.html

[Dawson Leery 12]

I know, can you believe he didn't even get a 1400?

It really says something about the American public school system

That is just stupid. What about all the really successful guys who either didn't go or dropped out of college than run in those circles?

Even worse. Those guys care about what you actually bring to the table, not just how good you look on paper.

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

I couldn't even finish watching the video. I feel sick.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/12/8...l_n_860947.html

I'm going to cry.I hate people.

[SBriand 4]

Very expensive flights already booked. You ready for tonight?

Getting there. Trying to keep the excitement down in case we get annihilated.

[SBriand 4]

I had two fun conversations. Probably had to be there for the 2nd one but I really do wonder how people are able to actually get of bed and do actual things...Had a odd discussion with some dumb lady who called saying she was referred to us by someone I have never heard of. She said she was looking for an apartment for her son and needed information. I asked her what type of apartment he was interested in and she said she didn't know but he was a single man, 45 years old, 6 ft tall...I stopped her and told her the price of all three apartments because I don't know why she thought I needed all that info to figure out which apartment he wanted.After I told her all that I get this...Her: Well it seems in my experience looking for an apartment for my son s that at least in Oakland County they require a job to get an apartment. Is that the same for you. No job, no apartment?Me: Well yes, it helps to have income so that you can pay the rent.Her: oh well he has income, I will be paying for the apartment while he looks for a job.Me: Well that does not fall under income. You would need to be the one who applies since it will be you paying for it.Her: Well he is looking for a job so why should I have to apply.Me: Because at this time he doesn't have a job so it he applies I will not be able to approve him. He needs verifiable income and what you are doing for him doesn't fall into that. Maybe he should wait till he has a job before looking for an apartment.Her: Well...Her: I heard that you only have 32 apartments and you told me you have about 8 one bedrooms available.Me: We have ONE HUNDRED and 32 apartments and yes, off the top of my head I think we probably have 8. Just a guess. We have enough to get us through a month or so at the rate we are going.Her: Well if you have 8 then something must be wrong with your apartments then so maybe it isn't best to have my son live here.Me: ...Me: Well he doesn't have a job and you don't want to apply for him so I guess it's a moot point since he won't be approved.Her: *click*-----------------Him: Do you have any 2 bedrooms available?Me: Yes, when are you looking to move? I ask because we have been swamped lately so at this time to get one ready will take about 30 days after approval.Him: (reads the sheet I handed him) can I see one?Me: Sure, which one?Him: 2bd deluxe.Me: Okay, let's go take a walk.So we walk, we look, I answer 34 questions, some good, some stupid.Come back to the office.Him: How does one apply?Me: (grabs app and hands it to him) Need to have this filled out completely with a copy of your most recent paystub. Application fee is $40 per applicant.Him: what is an applicant. I have a wife and 2 children, are they applicants?Me: An applicant is who you want to be financially and legally responsible for the lease on the apartment.If you want to have your wife on the lease it is $60, just you, $40.Him:ohMe: Once you fill out the app and hand it in it takes 24-48 hours to get it approved. After that it will be 30 days to get the apartment ready.Him: (confused face) 30 days?!?!?! I need it by June 1st.Me:...Me: I told you before we left that it would take 30 days.Him: you did? When?Me: Yup, when I handed you that sheet and I asked you point blank when you were looking to move because we were swamped with new rentals and can't get an apartment done as quick as usual.Him: ...

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

CHIPS!

[Roll the Bones 74]

Her: Well if you have 8 then something must be wrong with your apartments then so maybe it isn't best to have my son live here.

What is it about people that when they find out they have been ignorant or unreasonable they feel the need to act like it is your fault/incompetence/unreasonableness etc..Lady on the lot a little while ago looking at 07 Audi Conv. She was trying to point out very minute marks on the car like grease on the hinges of the door jambs or dirt in the ridges of the tire tread as a bargaining tool on price. (I mean C'mon you don't think I know what you are doing? ahh, I play along) When I would try to address the issues she would quickly change the subject and say, "well, I am not going to argue with you, it just appears that it was in a terrible accident" and then babble on to something else. She finally says she saw the internet price of $23,995 and wanted to know our best price. I told her that that was an advertised sale price, our best price. She told me she could get one for $21,000 at another local unamed dealer. I told her that that sounded like a great deal but I couldn't speak for them since I didin't know anything about there car- could be nice, might be junk, don't know. I also told her that I did an internet search on similar 07 Audi Convs to check my price and of the 9 within 100 miles of the dealer , mine was the cheapest by $4000 and was actually going to raise the price back up- but for her, I would honor the sale price. (sorry, bored and rambling here)So she informs me that she can only afford $21K and I should lower the price because of that. I told her that we base our prices on the market, not what people can afford. I did suggest that if she couldn't afford it to definately not purchase it. Then I throw in, "maybe you should step back to an older one or a hardtop?" So what does she say?"You obviously don't want to sell a car to me". Excuse me that's not true, I'll do the paperwork right now."You think you can screw me because I'm a single woman""No, I assure you our prices have nothing to do with marital status, again, if it's too much, don't buy it""...And your cars are all a bunch of junky wrecks, I'll just take my business elsewhere" Blah, people suck.

[Theraflu 1,035]

It's gotta be easier to screw single women than married women, right?

[El Guapo 8]

It's gotta be easier to screw single women than married women, right?

Especially if you are the one married to them.

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

I asked her what type of apartment he was interested in and she said she didn't know but he was a single man, 45 years old, 6 ft tall...I stopped her and told her the price of all three apartments because I don't know why she thought I needed all that info to figure out which apartment he wanted.

This part was really funny to me.

[ShakeZuma 585]

I'm so glad we have some people in customer service in here. pretty sure if I had to go back to that I'd end up like the dude in falling down within a month.

[hank213 1,823]

I'd like to order breakfast please.Here's one of my favorites from dealing with a wunderkind college student.My company processes tuition payments and I was explaining to him that he had a returned payment fee because the payment request was returned as insufficient funds. So he comes back with the brilliant response "So my payment won't go through unless there's money in my account?"

[speedz99 145]

I bet he got under a 1400.